I know how you feel.....

So i figured I was probably due for an update here. I know I have been radio silent on here for awhile. Truth is, things are going pretty well right now and the last thing I think of is to journal when things are going well. However, one thing I wanted to mention that has been bothering me. I really appreciate those people that check in with me, talk about it, and try to relate. We as humans have a need to relate and sometimes the best we can say is "I know how you feel" in hopes of bridging the gap between us and them and let them know they arent alone and we understand. We say this mostly in times of hardships (deaths, illnesses, depression etc). I hear it a lot. "I know how you feel" or "I know what it is like." In actuality, you probably don't.  I appreciate the sentiment and the attempt to help me minimize my feelings and appear relate-able, (I really do) but depression is not the average bad-day blues... far from actually. I am looking at my life, re-evaluating it and contemplating ending it. I see everyday objects as a potential way out. I can't get out of myself and my head. We all process feelings and emotions differently. No one likes being told "I know how it feels" when they lose someone they love. We all hate that because they don't. They don't understand the relationship we had, they don't understand me and what they meant to me and how I process grief. You don't know, you probably think you know but those are your feelings, not mine and how I manage them is not how you would.

Please don't take this as me being an inconsiderate asshole or whatever. I mean this as genuinely as you mean your statement. Just listen. No need to relate it to yourself or your life, that wont do anything for me. If you dont know what to say or do, just listen and be there. Ask simple questions. Offer to go out for coffee. Simple things like that. I will open up to you when I am ready. Just listen and be there.

The 5 things I lost from surviving a suicide attempt

I have had major depression for the majority of my life. I am now on the verge of 38, married for over a dozen years, two awesome kids, been hospitalized for my depression and have attempted to take my own life. I thought that after my attempt I would have a revitalized spirit for life and being alive, but that wasn't the case. I thought I would gain some sense of purpose or have some wild existential beliefs.. but alas... here I am... still depressed. Even though I didn't lose my life, I still lost numerous things as a result of my attempt.

1) I lost the trust of my family. I can no longer have a bad day without getting a leering eye that there is something more to it. They don't trust me with pills. They don't trust me to be alone for extended amounts of time. They don't trust me when I tell them I am going to be ok. They don't trust me when I say "I won't do it again." I have lost their trust.

2) I lost faith in myself - I never thought I would go to that extreme. I always thought I was stronger than that. Suicide has always been a solution in my mind but it was a line that I never thought that I would cross. I always thought I had enough coping skills to manage it on my own. I thought they were just intrusive thoughts that I would NEVER act on. I feel in a sense, I let myself down. I don't trust myself anymore now

3) I lost time - when you attempt to take your life and you survive, life doesn't just go on when you wake up. There is a lot of work on the backend of an attempt. Time, in essence, freezes for you and you try and determine how you got there, you take time to develop how you are going to move forward. The world continues to spin. But now things are different for me and I need to rearrange accordingly. I lost precious time with my kids. I missed shopping for kindergarten supplies with my son for his first day of school because I was in treatment. I missed important family time when my aunt passed away because I was trying to put the pieces back together. I missed mornings with my family. I missed meetings at work because I was at dr. appointments. Some are more mundane and some are important, but there still is time that I lost that I will never get back. 

4) I lost friends - Everyone appears to try and be supportive and for that I am very grateful. However, and understandably so, it was too much for some people to digest and accept. While some were concerned and leaning in to help and be there for me, others, were walking away, seemingly too much for them to internalize or accept. I don't know how they perceive me now and I wish I could tell them that I am still me but I can't expect everyone to understand. They have since moved on but I still think about them 

5) I lost perspective - I used to have a good idea on what was important in life and have priorities and perspective. All of that has changed. I used to prioritize family, work, music, my dogs etc. Now... I don't know what is important. The focus is day-to-day. None of the big stuff carries the same weight as it used to. Work has become a necessary evil that I struggle to find motivation and energy to put  any considerable effort into. Family has become a repetitious chore that I mindlessly go through the motions to get the kids off to school and in bed. My dogs have been neglected - don't remember the last time they got a good walk out of me. Everyday I have imagine how what I am currently doing would be different had I completed suicide. How would things be different?  Life feels like it is a blur and I don't know how to get back to life before.


I am very grateful that my attempt was not successful. I truly did gain an appreciation for little things in life and I can honestly say I am happy to be here. I hope to never be in that dark place again and since my attempt I have been seeing a therapist 2x a month,  my psychiatrist monthly and attending a support group every week - this keeps me focused on my recovery and my own mental wellness.

I may have lost a lot from my attempt, but I didn't lose what was most important.