I guess I have had depression ever since I was in my teens.
The thing is, I was raised in a very stable family. They were and are still
very supportive and I have no history of trauma or abuse. I remember being 15 and
just being sad for no reason and having a really low self-esteem then 16 came
along and so did the suicidal thoughts. I tried to mask my depression with
drugs and alcohol. It worked for a little bit but my grades suffered severely.
When I was 16 I had a suicide pact with my best friend. We had planned to kill
ourselves together. You see there was this big hill by my house that you could
oversee the city and into Minneapolis from it. It was my favorite place to
bring girls…. We both decided that was the place we wanted to die. We both scrounged
up all the pain killers we could find in our house and each had a bottle of
sleeping pills. We waited for a night when our parents were gone to do it. As
he was leaving his house to meet me at the hill, his mom came home
unexpectedly. So that put a halt on our plans. We decided it was probably best
if we did it on our own. So one night, I took all the pain medication I could
find and the last of the sleeping pills (13 sleeping pills I recall) I wrote a
note to my family, placed it under my pillow and laid down for a final sleep.
Well obviously I woke up. I was pissed… and felt like crap It was a gut rot I
cannot explain. It was miserable. I couldn’t really do anything for a few days.
I didn’t tell my parents what I had done. They still don’t know to this day. After
a few days the pain went away. I was still depressed and even more depressed
now that I was still alive. Being depressed sucks. You are constantly tired and
even on the days you want to feel happy and good, you can’t force yourself to.
I realized that I had enough feeling like crap I asked my parents for help and
they got me to a psychologist and a psychiatrist. From there I was prescribed
Prozac. After a few weeks, things got much better. I still struggled in school
but I was staying away from drugs and alcohol and wasn’t depressed.
I graduated high school and that following year, I wanted to
move off of Prozac. I did fairly well off of it. At that time I thought my
depression was just a part of the tumultuous teenage years and hormones etc. I
was living a decent life off of it. I was going to college and excelling – for
once in my life! However, I hit 26 and all of a sudden I started to get very
anxious about social settings. I became very recluse and avoided people at all
costs. I just wanted to be by myself. It didn’t feel like depression but it had
some similarities. After my wife mentioned something to me and encouraged me to
get help, I went and saw my Dr and they put me back on Prozac. After a few
weeks, I started to feel normal again. Becoming more social, going to concerts
etc. That depression can be tricky… this time it manifested itself as anxiety.
Fast forward to 2017. I have been married now for 11 years,
have 2 kids, have a good paying job, I have a great house in the suburbs, 2 incredible
dogs. Life. Is. Good. But little did I know… the bottom was about the drop out….
I start to become dissatisfied with elements of life. The old thoughts start
slowly creeping back into my head. I
can’t put my finger on it, but something isn’t right. It can’t be my depression
coming back as I take my meds religiously! It must be my job…. Or my marriage…
or my kids. Whatever it is, I don’t want any of it anymore. I just want out. I
start having crying bouts in the bathroom at work. I lack all motivation – I
want to sleep all day. I call in sick just to sleep. I have suicidal thoughts
constantly. Looking out the windows of my office building thinking of jumping,
going to buy a gun, running my car into a bridge, take an OD on pills. Whatever
it takes to leave this world. I try and change my mindset and think my way out
of this…. So I thought about my kids and wife. Eff it… my kids are better off
without me. They will get a nice life insurance policy from my employer, our
house and debt will be paid off and have a nice savings nugget for college.
They will all be better off. I remember
my daughter running up to me when I came home one day with her arms open
yelling “DADDY!” This should have had an effect on me but I didn’t feel
anything. Nothing.
I have anger and resentment this time. It isn’t just
sadness. Where is this coming from? What is the catalyst to this? I take aim at my wife. It has to be her. I am
convinced that things have changed. I actually tell her that I don’t love her
anymore. This crushes her heart and to this day, I would give anything to have
those words back. She storms out of the room and we separate for the night. I
remember crying on the couch thinking this is as good as time as any to die.
The next morning she can tell something is wrong with me she comes to me and
says “whatever you are going though, I am here to support you.” At that moment
I realized, it isn’t her… it is ME. That depression demon is back! God how
could I be so oblivious to it! We talk and I tell her that I have been having major
suicidal thoughts and plans and that my depression is back. The guilt we both
feel about not recognizing it is massive. We both have experienced depression
in the past, how did we both miss this? Leading up to this, there was irregular
behavior on my part – extravagant spending, confusing and weird speak from me,
being distant to her and the kids… things that she wish she had picked up on.
From there, life went on pause. I got an urgent appointment
with a psychiatrist and a therapist. They started the intake process of getting
me into the hospitalization program at Regions. I honestly don’t remember a
whole lot from those days. It all blurs together and it is hard to think about.
Turns out after about 10-12 years, Prozac can just stop working. I was in my 11th
year on it.
It has been almost a year since my discharge from Regions. I
am in a much better place now. After a lot of emotional and mental work I feel
stable. I learned a lot there that I
still employ to battle my depression. They give you an entire arsenal of tools
and you just find the ones that work best for you. Getting back to reality was
more difficult than I had anticipated. I still face the battles but try not to
let it lead me down the dark abyss of depression
Throughout this ordeal – I have learned 3 major things about
recovery –
1)
Recovery is not linear – it goes up,
down, sideways, backwards etc. and that is OK. It may seem like 2 steps forward
and 3 steps back but you are learning how to make steps forward and soon those
steps forward will become more permanent.
2)
Recovery is Multifaceted – Recovery (to
me) isn’t just about popping pills and hoping for the best. It is staying
vigilant on my recovery. Even on the nights that I feel really good and don’t
think I need to go to Faceit and deal with Dan again, I do it. I do it because
it keeps recovery at the forefront of my mind and focused on it. It reminds me
that I still do have this disease and I need to work on it, every day. So
medication, support groups, talk therapy and music are the four legs of my
recovery foundation. I want to attack this from multiple levels and find new
ways and methods of coping. I don’t know if I will ever be cured from this but
I have a good support system and structure to help me lead a semi-normal life.
3)
Patience and Persistence – Recovery isn’t
possible without being patient and persistent. Unfortunately, recovery from a
severe mental health crisis doesn’t happen overnight. It can take time for our
body and mind to adjust and heal. I have to constantly remind myself of this.
My mind is relearning how to work and I am teaching myself how to cope. It
takes time. Being patient with mental illness is a major struggle. When in the
darkness, you never can imagine life outside of it and can’t imagine things
getting better, but it can get better. It just takes time. I know not everyone is a proponent of
medication. It has worked wonders for me but I know it is not for everybody.
Those 3 months of waiting to see if a medication is going to work is awful and
can increase the anxiety. Playing craps with different meds is frustrating and
irritating but I am at a point now where I feel stable with the meds I am on
and I am thankful that I was persistent in finding a combination that worked for
me and didn’t give up after one didn’t work.
