Patience and Persistence

Patience and persistence  - that is what I have been told gets one through depression... that and good meds I think. I feel that I have been patient but I am having trouble being persistent in my recovery efforts. As things get a little better, I tend to let recovery slide. So in order to overcome that, I finished my Relapse and Recovery prevention plan. It is about 8 pages of my plan to get through recovery and what to do in case of relapse. I laid out the terms of my recovery including eating better, exercising, meditating and journaling at least once a week, regardless of how I am feeling. I figured I could write happy shit too. I am going to have my wife hold me accountable for all that. I also inluded my support team into my plan and I think I need to give them a copy of the plan so they know but I am nervous to do that. I am feeling pretty good right now -  I am laying here in bed, next to my favorite dog Sadie, listening to her snore and Classical MPR. I am feeling in a zone tonight. A little tired, groggy, hungry but clear headed.

I missed my support group this week as I had a work trip to San Francisco and Silicon Valley. I get anxious about missing appointments and groups. I need the structure and support. The trip itself went fairly well. No major episodes or issues. I was actually more social than normal and went out with my boss and coworker to a jazz club after I saw Dave Hause. I kind of forced myself to go out but sometimes you need to do that. It felt good. I finished my Relapse plan on the plane. I am sure the woman next to me was wondering what the hell I was doing but I really dont care what people think anymore. I would be happy to talk about it to anyone. Nothing crazy happened on the work trip. I was gone for 3 days and that seemed like an eternity to my family I think. I missed the kids quite a bit. There was a couple who had a baby on the flight. The baby was probably 9 months old and they were doing everything to keep her calm and quiet. Hearing the baby cry made me really miss Cailin.... yet I get so frustrated and irritated when she is crying in front of me. I guess it is just one of those parent things that can't be explained.

I have come to the conclusion that I need a new job. My current one is fine but it is just killing my soul. It is such a cold culture, no personality and I am not gaining anything from it. I brought it up with my Therapist and she agreed. I want to get back int.o retail in some sort. I miss it. Yes the money etc is good at US Bank but I don't think it is worth it. We are living comfortably enough that I can find something more fitting and satisfying personally. I am learning that I need to take this life I have and live the best of it. I refuse to sit around doing a job that is not satisfying or stimulating. So now that I feel that I am in a better place mentally and feeling stable, I think it is time to that I  start the job search. I appreciate everything that the Bank has done for me and supporting me through everything and I hate to walk away but I truly feel they and I will both be better off . I can tell my boss is getting frustrated with me and my awkward schedules due to Dr appointments etc. I would probably be doing him a favor if I were to walk away. I really like the vendors I work with. They are super good people and I get along with them great - I will miss them the most.

Song of the day - Long Walk Home - Bruce Springsteen

"Hey Pretty darlin don't wait up for me, going to be a long walk home."

It's always darkest before the dawn

{Breathe in}.............{Breathe Out}...........

It has been just over a week since my last relapse. That pushed me to an edge I haven't seen in a while. Being in a position where you know that if you had the resources (gun etc) You would have probably taken your own life is scary to look back on. I am glad I didnt and that is the exact reason I don't own any guns. I don't trust myself enough. But I am here... and I am feeling good.... well pretty good for the most part. They changed my medication. Took me off of Wellbutrin and replaced it with Abilify. Abilify is an anti-psychotic used in patients with schizophrenia and some bi-polar but in small doses it appears to be very effective as a supplement to anti-depressants. I have been on it for just over a week and it appears to be helping a lot. I haven't had a suicidal thought in almost a week. It is a more potent drug so they do a lot of check ups on it having to check for negative side effects etc. Its some real shit but it appears to work. I have been sleeping better - not great by any means but enough to get through the day.

I am still having trouble finding a person to confide in and talk to. I thought my friend FJ would be good but he is battling his own demons and I can't put faith in him that he will be there when I need him, but he understands the disease, pain and what recovery is all about. But this is getting frustrating as I just keep facing this shit alone. The resistance to burden others is what is preventing me from reaching out. Although I have been having some really good conversation with my friend DE. She is awesome. We have been friends for almost 20 years and she can tell my mood just by texts. I think I am going to add her into my WRAP plan as my support system. I feel really fucking pathetic that I jut have her and my wife but it is what it is and I can't change it. Sometimes I just wish someone would ask how things are going more than just a general niceties. I think everyone assumes I am ok which is fine. I don't know if I want to talk to more people about this and feel even more judged but I wished it felt like someone cared so I just keep telling myself that I am in this by myself with some outside support but in the end, I need to find what works for me and hold myself accountable. That is what is going to make me succeed through this more than anything else.

They say it is always darkest just before the dawn which I tend to believe. I am starting to really believe that I am on a good road forward. It was dark there for a while and now I am not feeling that darkness. Instead of suicidal thoughts instead I am thinking that I am glad I am there and picturing how miserable and sad my family would be if I wasn't there. For instance, tonight - as a family we went to see Charlie Brown Christmas. It was ok but as we were leaving I had this thought of "Would they have still gone if I had killed myself when I wanted to a few weeks ago? They had the tickets bought?" And then I just pictured my wife looking at the empty seat where I was supposed to be and crying. That gave me a feeling of happiness that I am still alive and here for my family. So maybe this is the dawn, or perhaps it is just a fleeting bright asteroid in my sky but either way there is light I am seeing and it feels pretty good.

Song of the day - Grey - Ani DiFranco

"The sky is grey. The sand is grey. The ocean is grey. I feel right at home, in this stunning monochrome, alone in my way."