Patience and Persistence

Patience and persistence  - that is what I have been told gets one through depression... that and good meds I think. I feel that I have been patient but I am having trouble being persistent in my recovery efforts. As things get a little better, I tend to let recovery slide. So in order to overcome that, I finished my Relapse and Recovery prevention plan. It is about 8 pages of my plan to get through recovery and what to do in case of relapse. I laid out the terms of my recovery including eating better, exercising, meditating and journaling at least once a week, regardless of how I am feeling. I figured I could write happy shit too. I am going to have my wife hold me accountable for all that. I also inluded my support team into my plan and I think I need to give them a copy of the plan so they know but I am nervous to do that. I am feeling pretty good right now -  I am laying here in bed, next to my favorite dog Sadie, listening to her snore and Classical MPR. I am feeling in a zone tonight. A little tired, groggy, hungry but clear headed.

I missed my support group this week as I had a work trip to San Francisco and Silicon Valley. I get anxious about missing appointments and groups. I need the structure and support. The trip itself went fairly well. No major episodes or issues. I was actually more social than normal and went out with my boss and coworker to a jazz club after I saw Dave Hause. I kind of forced myself to go out but sometimes you need to do that. It felt good. I finished my Relapse plan on the plane. I am sure the woman next to me was wondering what the hell I was doing but I really dont care what people think anymore. I would be happy to talk about it to anyone. Nothing crazy happened on the work trip. I was gone for 3 days and that seemed like an eternity to my family I think. I missed the kids quite a bit. There was a couple who had a baby on the flight. The baby was probably 9 months old and they were doing everything to keep her calm and quiet. Hearing the baby cry made me really miss Cailin.... yet I get so frustrated and irritated when she is crying in front of me. I guess it is just one of those parent things that can't be explained.

I have come to the conclusion that I need a new job. My current one is fine but it is just killing my soul. It is such a cold culture, no personality and I am not gaining anything from it. I brought it up with my Therapist and she agreed. I want to get back int.o retail in some sort. I miss it. Yes the money etc is good at US Bank but I don't think it is worth it. We are living comfortably enough that I can find something more fitting and satisfying personally. I am learning that I need to take this life I have and live the best of it. I refuse to sit around doing a job that is not satisfying or stimulating. So now that I feel that I am in a better place mentally and feeling stable, I think it is time to that I  start the job search. I appreciate everything that the Bank has done for me and supporting me through everything and I hate to walk away but I truly feel they and I will both be better off . I can tell my boss is getting frustrated with me and my awkward schedules due to Dr appointments etc. I would probably be doing him a favor if I were to walk away. I really like the vendors I work with. They are super good people and I get along with them great - I will miss them the most.

Song of the day - Long Walk Home - Bruce Springsteen

"Hey Pretty darlin don't wait up for me, going to be a long walk home."