If not now....when?

Here I am a couple weeks into 2018. Things are going ok. Not great and not horrible. Like I told my Psychiatrist, I feel just content. Content with life. The thing is, I dont know if that is acceptable or not. I guess I need to figure out what is acceptable and what isnt. What level do I want to be at? I am pretty sure I don't want to be buried in just content. I can do better. I have been on both sides of contentment and I miss the positive side. That being said, we adjusted my medications again. We doubled my Abilify dosage. We will see what that does. I am really concerned because since I started Abilify I have gained almost 45 pounds. It is just so uncomfortable and irritating. I did some research and found out that this is a major side effect that people complain about. People usually gain 50 lbs on it. Ugg... this is not what I needed. I have been trying to exercise more and eat less/more healthy but it is hard when you are constantly hungry. Waking up in the middle of the night starving has probably been a huge contributor to the weight gain. I just keep telling myself that this is only temporary and I can get the weight to go away later.... I think my weight gain also serves as a discouragement for others who want to get help. I have a friend who probably should go on medication for her anxiety and depression but she is so scared of gaining weight that she refuses. I will say that yes gaining the weight sucks but not feeling like I want to die everyday is a fair trade off I feel!

I had a therapy appointment the other day with my psychologist Emily. I really like her. She is very direct and makes me really think about my recovery and life in different ways. We started talking about going back to couples therapy. Here is the deal - I know that there is a lot of stuff Jessica and I still need to work through but I just don't know if I am ready. I look back at those moments and that time in my life and I am embarrassed for what I said, what I did etc. That wasn't me. I didn't want to be with my wife, I didn't want my kids, I didn't want my job and I didn't want to be alive so I feel like a lot of that cannot be held against me and is very difficult and embarrassing to go back and face. I look at that time as a dark time and I don't want to go back, My whole goal in recovery is to continually move forward and I am frightened of going back into those times so soon and trying to make sense of them. I know it is only fair and I owe it to my wife but I just don't feel like know is the right time. But when is the right time? Next month? Next year? 5 years from now? If not now... when?

Song of the day - Burn Away - Nathan Gray

"After all the death I have dodged to get to where I am, I've come out smiling in the end. "

This will be my year

By all accounts - 2017 was not my best year.... ok so it fucking sucked. It was one of my worst years. I almost lost my marriage, I lost my sanity, I almost lost my life, I lost some family and friends, I lost my faith, I lost my wife's trust, I ended up taking a leave from work to overcome my depression. I really don't know how the year could have gone worse. But, here I am, on New Years Eve, alive and writing this blog entry. I didn't think I would be here but I am.... and I am happy about it.... I think. It has been such a roller coaster. I honestly don't know what to think. It has been 3 months since I got out of my hospitalization program. I feel I have made some good progress but still a lot to go. Not only for my own recovery but there are a lot of wounds that need to be healed for both me and my wife. I am not 100% sure I am ready to take that on right now. I am not saying it isn't important or a priority, I just don't know if I have the emotional bandwidth and capacity to pile that on but it needs to happen sooner or later. Maybe it is like the concept of having kids, you never feel you are ready until you are in it... so maybe I won't ever be ready to delve into the abyss of healing until I get there. To be honest, I haven't been so great with my recovery. I have been doing a little meditation but that is about it. I am trying to get back into the gym and get an exercise program going. I am starting to read more about mindfulness and how to incorporate it into my life, but right now I am just at the input stage and not actually implementing it into my life - that is next.

I have been trying to think of what I can do in 2018 to better my life, my marriage and my kids' lives. I am not entirely sure how I am going to do it but I need to. First off, for myself, I am going to continue with my plan of therapy e/o week, group on the off weeks and meeting with my P-Doc once a month. That really seems to keep me focused and give the proper attention to recovery. But after that.. what else can I do? I need to really find time to digest and invest. Digest the info that I am getting from support group, my therapist and my Psychiatrist. Really take the time to think it through and attempt to understand and then invest in myself and those parts. Take what they are saying to heart and put them to practice in my life. Easier said than done. I think I need to start taking notes at my therapy sessions so I can remember what all we talked about and things I can work on and do.

I think a big thing I can do is keep working out and eating better. Sure everyone says that but I think it could have a very big impact on me. It is just hard when my medication makes me incredibly hungry all the time, it is hard to eat right and sensibly. Part of me just wants to say "fuck it" Lets get this depression shit under control and then we will worry about physical exercise and losing weight but I am afraid they probably go hand in hand. I don't  know how to jump start it. I can't seem to jump right in. I am trying to just ease in and do the gym 3x a week and do basic cardio shit. That seems to be ok but I need to get it on the calendar or have set nights that I do it so there is no question what I am doing and it is already set aside. Or maybe i just continue to write about it and don't do a fucking thing about it.... I guess the choice is mine at the end of the day.

So here is to 2018. The year of figuring shit out. Figuring out my recovery, figuring out finances, figuring out my job, figuring out life in general. 2017, I am done with you. I am looking back at you with a few lessons that were learned but for the most part, I look at you with disdain. I dont think I could handle another 2017 so 2018 has to be relatively good considering. I have to think of what I am going to call my breakdown.... maybe that is it. Just a major fucking breakdown into the abyss of deep depression. God it fuckin sucks there and it feels good to be out of it so why do I miss it a little bit?

Today has been a good day. I am feeling good and hope to stay this way.

Song of the day - This Will be My Year - Semisonic

"Then you tell yourself, what you want to hear, because you have to believe, this will be my year."