Tapering and moving forward

I have been tapering off my Prozac and taking Lexapro instead. My appetite is decreasing and I have lost 5 pounds since I dropped the Prozac. I am feeling more active and maybe a little more happy but it is was too soon to call this the right mix.I guess only time will tell.
The fallout from my drug-stashing-confession has died a little. My wife is holding on to my meds and regularly checking that I am taking them and amounts are there. I don't anticipate this going on for a long time but it feels good to know she cares and is checking on it.  It does kind of feel like she is being my keeper but I think on some level I need that and appreciate it. I have my next appointment with my therapist in a week and she invited Jessica to come with so we can talk about what has transpired and how do we move forward, how should Jessica deal with this and possibly dig deeper into the significance and meaning of it. I am not too sure what to make of it and what to expect but I really like my therapist and think it can only be for the best.

Speaking of therapy, Jessica and I are starting back at marriage counseling in a few weeks. We are going back to address what has all transpired between us and really focus on how we move forward. We have made some significant progress in our relationship but there are some wounds that need to be addressed and other. Since my breakdown was most likely the catalyst for the marriage discontentment - I have moved past that for the most part with some wafting here and there and the feelings I was having before are no longer there. Looking  back, I didn't want anything back then. I have since realized the strength of our relationship and all the sacrifices and effort my wife put into my recovery and it helped tremendously. I will never understand the level of love and care she has for me in order to do everything she did and still does to aid in my recovery. I am truly lucky and blessed to have her. I know her well enough to expect nothing less but my therapist keeps reminding me of how good I have got it. I just wish there was a way that I could adequately and appropriately thank her. I guess focusing on recovery and pushing forward is probably the best thing. 

I had the opportunity to run my men's support group this week. I have been going to this Depressed Men's support group for about 6 months now. I really like it. It gives me a chance to hear how other guys in the same situation deal with their depression but also share my experiences and what I have learned. The leader of the group was out of town and instead of cancelling it, he asked me to lead it. I was a little shocked, a little scared, a little flattered and a little excited. I have wanted to be more active in helping others with their struggles and use my story to potentially help others with theirs. Only about half the group showed up so it was a good starting point for me - took some of the pressure off. It came pretty easy for me to lead the group and just keep the conversation going and getting others to participate. I think I did a fairly decent job. Next time I will probably bring a list of topics to talk about just in case of the dreaded silence. I am happy they gave me the opportunity and I enjoyed it. I could see myself getting more involved with the foundation. 

Well..... I think that is all for now. I know it is a lot and more to come. I am trying to blog more often so we will see how this goes. I am in my living room right now and the kids are playing and I am just sitting here typing away. Sometimes life can be ok, we just need to stop and embrace it and remember that. 

Song of the day - The Best that I Can - Emerson Hart

"If you're reading this then I am long gone. Wish I had the strength to prove you wrong."

Staring at the face of a faceless thing

So... a lot has transpired over the last few days. I was honest with my wife about not taking my pills all the time and that opened up a huge can of worms. I haven't really told anyone this but I have been stock piling the pills I don't take and keep them as a sort of "safety net".... meaning that if push comes to shove, I have an out in overdosing and dying. I have a good month worth of pills. Who knows if that is even enough to get the job done but to me it was comforting knowing there was something there if I needed a way out. After I told my wife that, she insisted I tell my therapist. Fortunately, I had an appointment with her today and so I told her and that opened up more questions and concerns. Why didn't I tell anyone? Why did I feel the need to do this? There are more (and easier/better) ways to kill oneself so what is it about this way that is attractive? I wish I had answers to this. The only answer I have is that suicide has always been a solution to me. It has always been in my head as a way out. Sometimes it is the first response, sometimes it is a last resort. But for as long as I can remember, it has been in my brain as an option. So I don't know. I guess I didn't want to tell anyone as it was just my little secret not that I was ever planning on doing it. It was just my little safety net. Why should I tell people... just so they can be more worried about me? I know I am not a threat to myself and wasn't in danger so I didn't feel it was necessary to tell anyone.It didn't feel like a genuine threat to my well-being. I guess I was wrong. Now I am siting her trying to debrief all these feelings and questions. I think I have broken some trust with my wife. I can understand why too. I don't blame her. I cant imagine what it is like hearing your partner keep talking about suicide and wanting to die. I just wish she could be in my mind to know how it feels and get a better understanding of how my mind works. I think that is what everyone wants because it is something we will never understand or be able to do.

Along with that, I actually changed all my meds. I finally got off Prozac and Abilify. I am now on Lexapro and Wellbutrin. It was about time to get off of Prozac. That and Abilify both have weight gaining properties to it so maybe I will lose some of this weight too not that I am really concerned about it. I will deal with that when the time is right. I have been on Prozac for 12 + years. It was time to try something new I am a little nervous to see how it goes but excited to see if it does work. I want to be good/happy again. I miss it. I miss having energy and being able to sleep and smile. I will keep the blog updated as I start this new medication adventure!

Song of the day - Hurricane - Emerson Hart

"I've learned not to touch what I love Everything that I touch will get burned. "

March Snowstorm post

I am sitting here in my living room, watching the snow bury us outside, my kids and wife in the other room playing, Rise Against playing and just sitting here thinking. It has been a long time since I sat down and journaled and right now felt just right. I come to this post with a guilty conscience. I have to let it out somewhere so here is where it is going to live. Over the past 2 months, I have NOT been as regular on my meds as I should be. I have been going off of them for a week or so on purpose to see what effect it has on me. Basically I feel like I am testing my recovery.... are the meds really working or is a placebo? Also, I wanted to see the effect it had on my appetite (both for food and sex....not together). My desire for sex shot up when I was off my meds and I slept better, I wasn't waking up in the middle of the night either. It was really nice. But I did find myself getting in a funk easily and having a short fuse. My energy level was ok. Since I was sleeping better, I wasn't as tired. It was an interesting thing to do but way to risky I know and I need to just get back on being regular on the meds. I think I will bring it up to my Psychiatrist the next appointment I have with her.

Last week I had a friend from treatment reach out to me and tell me she was in a bad spot. Very suicidal and felt alone and scared. We ended up talking until about 3 am that night just texting through things like her feelings and how to cope with them. One thing you should know about me is that if I won the lottery and didn't have to work, I would dedicate all my time to helping people with suicide prevention and talking them through their crisis. So I felt, here is my chance to jump right in and give it a go. She is a good friend who has always been there for me. We usually check in with each other regularly and make sure we are good. MAN was this draining. Everything I told her to try and do was falling short and not working. I felt compelled to help her. So I dug deep. I felt like an actor... I got myself into character and tried to get into the depressed mindset to remember what it is like so I could think of what else would work to get her out of it. It only took a few minutes for me to sink in to the abyss. I got in deep. I put myself in the mindset and could feel myself mentally digging into the darkness.  I started to feel depressed and desperate again and it didnt feel good but I kept going. I remember hitting it and amazed at how fast I could get there. My mentality changed quickly. I was alone, it was dark - it was perfect to drag myself into the abyss. As quickly as it took for me to get into it - It took a good 2 days to get up out of it. It hasn't deterred me away from doing what I want to do, I just need more training on how to deal with it and not "swim too far without a line" as my psychologist said. At the end, my friend was ok. She is getting the help she needs and adjusting meds and working through things which is good. It was a scary time for me. Moreso that I allowed myself to get dragged into the dark depression that quickly. I thought I kept it more guarded but apparently not. It was a good representation of how far I have come though too. It took some time for me to get to that place that I used to be at daily - so that is a good thing and a good show of progress. I still want to help people so this was a good test and a Good lesson to be learned.

2 days ago I got my second tattoo. This one is on my right forearm and says In Hope with the kids birthdates in Roman Numerals below it. It is based off a Boysetsfire song about hoping the best for your kids and doing everything to guard them from experiencing what you yourself have gone through. Mine is very depression based. Knowing that my wife and I both have depression, our kids are fucked so I want to make sure I remind myself to teach them and guide them how to deal with feelings of despair and depression in their life. I am really happy with the way it turned out.  I have a few more tattoos planned but I think I am going to wait awhile now. Having both my forearms with tattoos, I think is quite the change for one year. Although they are addicting. I have the next 4 planned out in my mind already.

Song of the day - If It Takes a Lifetime - Jason Isbell

"I thought that I was running to but I was running from. "