So... a lot has transpired over the last few days. I was honest with my wife about not taking my pills all the time and that opened up a huge can of worms. I haven't really told anyone this but I have been stock piling the pills I don't take and keep them as a sort of "safety net".... meaning that if push comes to shove, I have an out in overdosing and dying. I have a good month worth of pills. Who knows if that is even enough to get the job done but to me it was comforting knowing there was something there if I needed a way out. After I told my wife that, she insisted I tell my therapist. Fortunately, I had an appointment with her today and so I told her and that opened up more questions and concerns. Why didn't I tell anyone? Why did I feel the need to do this? There are more (and easier/better) ways to kill oneself so what is it about this way that is attractive? I wish I had answers to this. The only answer I have is that suicide has always been a solution to me. It has always been in my head as a way out. Sometimes it is the first response, sometimes it is a last resort. But for as long as I can remember, it has been in my brain as an option. So I don't know. I guess I didn't want to tell anyone as it was just my little secret not that I was ever planning on doing it. It was just my little safety net. Why should I tell people... just so they can be more worried about me? I know I am not a threat to myself and wasn't in danger so I didn't feel it was necessary to tell anyone.It didn't feel like a genuine threat to my well-being. I guess I was wrong. Now I am siting her trying to debrief all these feelings and questions. I think I have broken some trust with my wife. I can understand why too. I don't blame her. I cant imagine what it is like hearing your partner keep talking about suicide and wanting to die. I just wish she could be in my mind to know how it feels and get a better understanding of how my mind works. I think that is what everyone wants because it is something we will never understand or be able to do.
Along with that, I actually changed all my meds. I finally got off Prozac and Abilify. I am now on Lexapro and Wellbutrin. It was about time to get off of Prozac. That and Abilify both have weight gaining properties to it so maybe I will lose some of this weight too not that I am really concerned about it. I will deal with that when the time is right. I have been on Prozac for 12 + years. It was time to try something new I am a little nervous to see how it goes but excited to see if it does work. I want to be good/happy again. I miss it. I miss having energy and being able to sleep and smile. I will keep the blog updated as I start this new medication adventure!
Song of the day - Hurricane - Emerson Hart
"I've learned not to touch what I love Everything that I touch will get burned. "
No comments:
Post a Comment