Fighting it off

So it has been a while since I have sat down to blog or just to even think. In the middle of the holidays, I am finding it really hard to take time for self-care and just relax and focus on recovery. So far though... things have been going fairly well. I have been attending all my support groups, all my therapy sessions, regularly taking my medications and all-in-all feeling pretty ok. I know I should be happy about this and for the most part I am. It is just easy to forget about self care and a focus on recovery when you aren't feeling it. It is kind of like when you are feeling sick - you just take the meds until you feel better... not the whole time the doctor tells you to. I feel I am going down the road to recovery smoothly - every so often there is a bump or pothole, but I am at a nice cruising speed... but I still know that the ditch is just to the side of the road and is easy to fall into.

My motivation has been shit lately. It comes and goes. I used to be all about winter and keeping the driveway clean when it snowed but I just don't care anymore. It's not like I have too much other stuff going on.... maybe I am just prioritizing in my head? This morning though, I was on fire. I got the kitchen cleaned, dogs fed, dishes done, got my son up and dressed, showered and all ready to go by 6:45 am. That felt really good. But as I was driving into work I started to get tired and know that around 2 pm I am going to be exhausted. I have to find a way to balance. I also have been really shitty at being physical and exercising. I have the means to but I just cant ever seem to find the motivation or time.

I just spent way too much money on 2 guitars. I bought a 2015 Gold Top Duesenberg from Germany. It is so gorgeous and plays like butter. It is amazing. Then for some reason I bought a 2014 Fender American Special Telecaster. It is awesome. Sunburst with black pick guard. So bad ass. I am not a very good guitar player. I can noodle and get by on a few chords but I am by no means proficient. It has been very helpful to sit and play. Come up with little diddys and riffs or melodies. It sparks the creative part of my brain which I have found to help stave off the negative and dark thoughts. It redirects the thoughts and I find that when I have a guitar in my hand I am more comfortable and relaxed. I know it really bothered my wife that I bought them and she refuses to talk about them. I feel bad about it but going through this year I learned a few things - I have to do what I need to do to build a life worth living and it is ok to sometimes splurge on things that help with recovery. I think my wife knows that but just isnt excited about the fact that I dropped the money on it when we are trying to get out of debt. I want to get something engraved on the guitar... something to remind me of this time in my life and something about letting go and moving forward. I am still trying to figure that out - it is a really sweet and awesome guitar and I want to make sure I am putting the perfect quote on there.

Song of the day - The Last Song I will Write - Jason Isbell

"This is the end of everything - I'm crawling away to the sea."

Patience and Persistence

Patience and persistence  - that is what I have been told gets one through depression... that and good meds I think. I feel that I have been patient but I am having trouble being persistent in my recovery efforts. As things get a little better, I tend to let recovery slide. So in order to overcome that, I finished my Relapse and Recovery prevention plan. It is about 8 pages of my plan to get through recovery and what to do in case of relapse. I laid out the terms of my recovery including eating better, exercising, meditating and journaling at least once a week, regardless of how I am feeling. I figured I could write happy shit too. I am going to have my wife hold me accountable for all that. I also inluded my support team into my plan and I think I need to give them a copy of the plan so they know but I am nervous to do that. I am feeling pretty good right now -  I am laying here in bed, next to my favorite dog Sadie, listening to her snore and Classical MPR. I am feeling in a zone tonight. A little tired, groggy, hungry but clear headed.

I missed my support group this week as I had a work trip to San Francisco and Silicon Valley. I get anxious about missing appointments and groups. I need the structure and support. The trip itself went fairly well. No major episodes or issues. I was actually more social than normal and went out with my boss and coworker to a jazz club after I saw Dave Hause. I kind of forced myself to go out but sometimes you need to do that. It felt good. I finished my Relapse plan on the plane. I am sure the woman next to me was wondering what the hell I was doing but I really dont care what people think anymore. I would be happy to talk about it to anyone. Nothing crazy happened on the work trip. I was gone for 3 days and that seemed like an eternity to my family I think. I missed the kids quite a bit. There was a couple who had a baby on the flight. The baby was probably 9 months old and they were doing everything to keep her calm and quiet. Hearing the baby cry made me really miss Cailin.... yet I get so frustrated and irritated when she is crying in front of me. I guess it is just one of those parent things that can't be explained.

I have come to the conclusion that I need a new job. My current one is fine but it is just killing my soul. It is such a cold culture, no personality and I am not gaining anything from it. I brought it up with my Therapist and she agreed. I want to get back int.o retail in some sort. I miss it. Yes the money etc is good at US Bank but I don't think it is worth it. We are living comfortably enough that I can find something more fitting and satisfying personally. I am learning that I need to take this life I have and live the best of it. I refuse to sit around doing a job that is not satisfying or stimulating. So now that I feel that I am in a better place mentally and feeling stable, I think it is time to that I  start the job search. I appreciate everything that the Bank has done for me and supporting me through everything and I hate to walk away but I truly feel they and I will both be better off . I can tell my boss is getting frustrated with me and my awkward schedules due to Dr appointments etc. I would probably be doing him a favor if I were to walk away. I really like the vendors I work with. They are super good people and I get along with them great - I will miss them the most.

Song of the day - Long Walk Home - Bruce Springsteen

"Hey Pretty darlin don't wait up for me, going to be a long walk home."

It's always darkest before the dawn

{Breathe in}.............{Breathe Out}...........

It has been just over a week since my last relapse. That pushed me to an edge I haven't seen in a while. Being in a position where you know that if you had the resources (gun etc) You would have probably taken your own life is scary to look back on. I am glad I didnt and that is the exact reason I don't own any guns. I don't trust myself enough. But I am here... and I am feeling good.... well pretty good for the most part. They changed my medication. Took me off of Wellbutrin and replaced it with Abilify. Abilify is an anti-psychotic used in patients with schizophrenia and some bi-polar but in small doses it appears to be very effective as a supplement to anti-depressants. I have been on it for just over a week and it appears to be helping a lot. I haven't had a suicidal thought in almost a week. It is a more potent drug so they do a lot of check ups on it having to check for negative side effects etc. Its some real shit but it appears to work. I have been sleeping better - not great by any means but enough to get through the day.

I am still having trouble finding a person to confide in and talk to. I thought my friend FJ would be good but he is battling his own demons and I can't put faith in him that he will be there when I need him, but he understands the disease, pain and what recovery is all about. But this is getting frustrating as I just keep facing this shit alone. The resistance to burden others is what is preventing me from reaching out. Although I have been having some really good conversation with my friend DE. She is awesome. We have been friends for almost 20 years and she can tell my mood just by texts. I think I am going to add her into my WRAP plan as my support system. I feel really fucking pathetic that I jut have her and my wife but it is what it is and I can't change it. Sometimes I just wish someone would ask how things are going more than just a general niceties. I think everyone assumes I am ok which is fine. I don't know if I want to talk to more people about this and feel even more judged but I wished it felt like someone cared so I just keep telling myself that I am in this by myself with some outside support but in the end, I need to find what works for me and hold myself accountable. That is what is going to make me succeed through this more than anything else.

They say it is always darkest just before the dawn which I tend to believe. I am starting to really believe that I am on a good road forward. It was dark there for a while and now I am not feeling that darkness. Instead of suicidal thoughts instead I am thinking that I am glad I am there and picturing how miserable and sad my family would be if I wasn't there. For instance, tonight - as a family we went to see Charlie Brown Christmas. It was ok but as we were leaving I had this thought of "Would they have still gone if I had killed myself when I wanted to a few weeks ago? They had the tickets bought?" And then I just pictured my wife looking at the empty seat where I was supposed to be and crying. That gave me a feeling of happiness that I am still alive and here for my family. So maybe this is the dawn, or perhaps it is just a fleeting bright asteroid in my sky but either way there is light I am seeing and it feels pretty good.

Song of the day - Grey - Ani DiFranco

"The sky is grey. The sand is grey. The ocean is grey. I feel right at home, in this stunning monochrome, alone in my way."

Birthday bust

Yesterday was my birthday. As you get older, birthdays become less and less exciting and fun. This year was no exception. I started my day at my psychologists office. It was a routine visit. We talked in depth about my recent increase in suicidal ideation and fascination. The suicidal ruminations have been pretty intense lately. I have been having around 5-10 instances of ideation throughout the day.  I walked in to the appointment sitting around a 5 in terms of my overall depression rating. I walked out around an 8 and that stayed with me most of the day. It was a really stressful and emotional meeting. Talking in detail about the suicidal thoughts, and what to think of when they hit and trying to understand where they are coming from.  I never really got out of the hole that day. My day ended with me crying in bed on the phone with the suicide prevention hotline. It got bad that I just needed to walk away and I broke down. If I had the means at the time, I am scared to think that I might have attempted. I don't recall actually making the decision to call but I just remember seeing myself pick up the phone and dialing. I had no idea what I was going to say or what I my intentions were. I just knew that I needed someone to talk to. Someone who won't judge, someone who has professional experience. I know a lot of people have told me "you can reach out whenever!" But I feel a lot of that is just empty words and wouldn't know what to say if I told them I was on the brink. I thought about calling A.M. from Daybridge. She works with me and going through her own shit but she is a really good person and would understand. I was going to reach out to her if I wasn't happy with what the NSPH offered. After a few minutes of talking I felt myself relax and step away from danger. After I hung up the phone, I meditated, turned on some music and just did some breathing and texted my wife that I was OK. She came up later and we talked about it. So needless to say, it wasn't my best birthday ever.

In trying to figure out what was the catalyst for this, I did some soul searching. The day started off a little rough at my therapists and that was right away in the morning. Tough to really rebound from an emotional beginning like that. I continued to get more agitated and irritable as the day went on. I was feeling depressed and just wanted to be alone. Having the feelings of depression and getting constant messages from friends and family saying things like "have a wonderful amazing day." Just felt empty and almost made it worse. Typical depression - when you are in the darkness and someone tells you to snap out of it or cheer up, it typically will make you even more depressed so I think that is what happened. I just lost it later that night. I had had enough and needed to get out. Fortunately, I was able to address it and adjust it and ask for help which is key. I can only hope that this will continue in the future and I will seek out help in those dark times rather than letting it take over me.

Song of the day - Pain - War on Drugs

"I resist what I cannot change. Own it in your own way."

Growin old but none the wiser

Shit. Tomorrow I turn 37. That is 37 spins on this planet. That is 13,514 days - 324,336 hours. Doesn't seem like that long. To be honest, I am surprised I am going to be celebrating it. Earlier this year, I had no intentions of making it to 37. It has been quite a year.. but I am here and I will be here for 37 and I hope for at least another 37+.  I try and tell myself that everyday but it is hard. VERY hard. Every day it seems I am having suicidal thoughts and ideations. The thought of leaving my kids doesn't scare me off, which in turn, scares the shit out of me. I am learning to live with these thoughts and ideations as they don't just go away. A lot of times I wonder what it is like to live without suicidal ruminations in your head.

I feel that I am on a downward drop in my recovery. I know that there will be peaks and valleys and recovery is not a straight line so I am trying to stay positive and just weather the storm and hopefully make it to the other side. One of the ways I am doing so is looking at the positives and negatives:

The Negatives: 

• Suicidal thoughts occurring more often (4-10 times a day) 
• Inability to sleep well - I am sleeping about 5-7 hours a night. Waking up at around 2-4 am and not able to go back to sleep. 
• Really poor eating. I am hungry all the time and mostly for all the wrong foods. I am trying to embrace it and just know that it will pass but this can't be good for me. 
• Getting more distant with my wife - our relationship has been rocky but I feel it is slipping even further into trouble
• Anhedonia - This took me by surprise but I am losing interest in a lot of the things I used to love - playing music, playing drums, sex. I feel myself wanting to be isolated again and only wanting to sleep

The Positives

• The suicidal thoughts are just that - thoughts. I haven't ventured into planning or even thinking of HOW or WHEN - so far it is just ideation and thoughts. 
• I am able to feel this come on and acknowledge it. I can confront it in my mind and just know that my brain is in a crisis right now and I can't trust everything it is telling me
• I have a very good support system. Friends, family, therapist, psychiatrist, support group. I have never had this much support before that I know I can rely on to get me though this. 
• I feel I have been more attentive to my kids and appreciating them more. Maybe it is for dark reasons that I am not conscious of but I like the way I feel around them and the way they make me feel. 

Song of the day - Miracle - Rise Against

"Are you going to finally grip the wheel I think you know how. This is more than you expected it to be."

Hay más tiempo que vida

I had my first group tonight in over a month. There were some things with the group facilitator that he had to cancel in the past. It was so refreshing to be there. Being there made me realize that I have put my recovery on the back burner and haven't been focusing on it as much as I should and if I don't I could end up right where I was. I need to make a firmer commitment to myself. I am thinking about going into a DBT program part time to help me. I hear DBT is great if you can implement it into your daily life. I am trying to do more meditation but I am maybe only doing it 1-2x a week. I really need to do it daily. I need to schedule out my recovery activities. I want to start going to the gym a few times a week, meditate every night before bed, walk the dogs daily, practice greatfulness every morning and do yoga a few times. That is a lot but I can not risk another relapse.

I feel that this image truly represents depression and the depressed mind. We feel that we are on the edge of the building, we could fall at any time. Our daily mission is to keep from falling and find solid ground where we wont feel as vulnerable. Then depression (or the guy in the blue shirt in this pic) comes along and can kick you right off where you were. You try to grasp on but there is nothing to hold on to. I know life doesn't have to be this way but when it is all you know, you don't know how to navigate around it or move past it.

Hay mas tiempo que vida - a friend of mine posted this on FB the other day and it really stopped me in my tracks and made me think. The translation for this is "There is more time than life" maybe that is the Spanish version of YOLO but I really like it and it puts things into perspective. Time keeps rolling on, with or without us. Time will continue even after we check out. Time doesn't really care about life. Time is a cruel, ever-pressing, steamroller. Time controls our lives. Time doesn't run out, life does. So how do we make the most of our lives? Making as much money as we can at the expense of our happiness? Staying in relationships that don't make sense just due to obligation? Drinking and getting high to experience a higher life and better state of mind? Taking chances? NOT taking chances and live safe? I think we each define that for ourselves. I am just trying to determine what that means for me. There are a few things I want to accomplish, achieve/experience in my life before I check out. I want to record music. I will be honest, I am not that great at piano but I really like tinkering with melodies and chord progressions. I have about 25 partially completed songs that I want to record and just have for my kids someday to listen to and perhaps be inspired. I want to travel more: I want to see Australia. I want to pet a Koala bear. I want to be a part owner in a music store. I want to tell my story of depression and suicide in hopes that I can inspire others. I want to have one night of pure unadulterated, lustful fucking. I want to be in shape someday and have someone turn their head when I walk past. I want to teach my kids how to be a good person - how to help others.  These are the things that I want to accomplish in life. I don't know how much time I have left to accomplish them but I know that I only have this one life to complete them.

Song of the day - The Last Song I Will Write - Jason Isbell

"Come run away with me. This ain't the world we signed up for."

Intrusive Thoughts

I had a really good conversation with my therapist last week. We talked at length about my repetitive and common suicidal thoughts. I have been associating these with my depression but she mentioned intrusive thoughts. These are essentially an unwelcome and involuntary thought, image or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession and can be difficult to manage or eliminate. I have to say - I think she is spot on. These suicidal intrusive thoughts make me depressed but maybe aren't a symptom OF my depression. It is hard to wrap my head around but it kind of makes sense. I have noticed that if I address the intrusive thought and basically show it the door and don't action it by either distracting myself or pushing forward, I can remain feeling relatively OK. If I don't let it affect me, my mood isn't affected. (Seems simple I know)

I had a stretch of good days. Minimal depression, decent sleep, little agitation and irritability. I am still feeling the sexual side effects and my motivation has been shit. Tired a lot and just want to do really nothing, I don't want to kill myself so that is a positive and I will take that. To work on the motivation etc, I went back on Wellbutrin. It is a stimulant so it has helped me get my ass in gear and keep up with my responsibilities which has been a good effect. I still fear relapse. Read yet another story of a person who was getting treatment, had a good support system but still lost the battle to depression. I would like to think I am strong enough to keep moving forward and hope that I am. All i can do is keep my plan in place and focus on today.

There has been a lot of things happening outside of the depression scope, my wife has been having some health problems. Semi-serious ones so we are addressing those. Hopefully things turn out to be nothing but the anticipation and anxiety of it is almost as bad as the diagnosis itself. My mental health is no longer in the forefront and I am OK with that. I just cant lose sight of my recovery. I really don't like this getting older shit. I got a wart on the heel of my foot from taking my daughter to swimming lessons I guess, so it has hampered my ability to move a lot. I can't walk to well and it is extremely painful. So I have been quite the lazy ass. Haven't taken dogs for a walk, haven't mowed the lawn. Shit - even getting the mail is a painful chore. I have been pretty immobile and my waistline is reflecting that. I went to a foot dr and he froze the bitch off. It is going to take a few days to fully get better but it is progress. I am supposed to go get a physical in a few weeks but I am not sure I want to do it. I am in horrible shape and in the middle of recovery where I ate nothing but oreos and gained weight, I haven't been able to exercise etc. So my numbers are going to be off the charts and they will probably want to put me on more meds but I feel I am not at a normal place right now to be given medication. I need things to level out first..... hopefully they will.

Song of the day - Highway Kings - Bouncing Souls

"What are dreams for anyway without the guts to live your life that way?"

Random ramblings on recovery

Today marks a month since I was discharged from Regions. Time has flown by. But it also feels like the last 6 months of my life was 6 years ago. The start of my relapse feels like ages ago. It almost feels like a different time and a different person.  I decided to do a little introspection on my recovery thus far. It has been going fairly well - better than I thought that is for sure. Life is in full force now. My son is in Kindergarten, I am in my rigorous schedule of weekly therapy, my drumming schedule is back to being full, my support group is in full swing, my kids are in weekly swimming lessons, my daughter has weekly music classes with me, my wife is fully focused on her job etc. As the classic jam goes - back to life - back to reality. Still trying to carve out time for self care and ensuring I don't fall off. That is harder than I thought it would be. I am sticking to my strict bedtime of 9:30 while doing 30 minutes of meditation prior. After all that, there is hardly anytime to go outside and play. I have learned a lot over the past year. A lot about myself, my brain, people, priorities, life and recovery.  There have been 3 reoccurring lessons that I keep learning;

1) It takes a lifetime - No doubt about this. It isn't a quick fix or an easy battle - it is a lifelong war against depression. I feel it everyday. Some days are better than others. Some weeks are better than others.... some minutes are better than others. I just keep telling myself to keep fighting and it is worth it. I knew going into treatment that it was going to be a lifelong disease but coming to terms with it on the other side of treatment and not feeling 100% better is a real kick to the stones and a clash with reality. I thought my brain would be in a better place where I would be more accepting of the fact that I will struggle with this day in and day out but nope.... still my same brain that I have always had. I thought that I would be on the outside looking in and be prepared and on the lookout for a relapse when in reality - I feel that I am still in it. Granted I feel I am on the edges of it and not so much in the deep shit of it but still, regardless, I am still very much in it. I just don't know if I will ever be on the outside of it again...

2) DIY-  As much as it is hard to admit and come to terms with, I am in this alone and have to beat it myself. When I was going through it, there were a lot of people there to offer support and a hand but now, they have resumed their lives - which I do not blame them for and completely understand. I just have to understand that this is a part of MY life and I have to manage it. Yes I have a few friends who are close enough that I can confide in and have emotional conversations with but for the most part - that is on myself. I do have a very healthy and strong support system but that can only take you so far. I have noticed that my wife is getting a lot of support too. A lot of her friends are reaching out to her asking her how she is doing and how I am doing. I think that is good but in a way it feels weird that they aren't asking me themselves, it feels a little isolating. I am friends with them too. Are they too scared to ask? Do they think I have too many people asking me? It is just weird. A lot of people offering to be there if you need them but no one really just checking in which I think it an important part of recovery.  I appreciate people offering support and an ear. It is hard though to discern the difference between those who actually care or those who are just curious. But having regular check ins with myself and writing in this blog has been critical to getting my thoughts out there and acknowledging them.

3) You must look back to see forward - As much as I want to avoid looking back at the emotions I experienced, the feelings I had and the actions I did, it is vital to growing and overcoming and recovering. It feels like looking back is going back and not moving forward, but I am realizing just how important it is to understand those feelings and become familiar with them and try to understand the genesis of them. When I was 29 I was in a car accident. A Ford F350 read ended me going 30 MPH on 694. To that point I hardly ever looked in my rear view mirror when I was stopping. I was just assuming the vehicle behind me was stopping as well. Well on that day of the accident, I caught a glimpse of the truck barreling right into my back end and found myself bracing for impact. For a few months after the accident, I was scared shitless at every stop light. Every time I stopped, I was staring in my rear-view mirror to make sure the car behind me was stopping. To this day, I still consciously look back as a check to make sure they are stopping. I think that is very similar to this. I need to always look back to ensure that what is happening now, is not what happened then - that there isn't a truck about to barrel right at me.


I have my appointment with my psychologist in a few hours. I am strangely looking forward to it. I really like her. She is down to earth and real. I think it is pretty obvious I like talking about this stuff and I don't know why but I think it is probably good right? Maybe I talk too much about it but I haven't learned to shut up yet so why start.

Song of the day - Until We Surrender - Heartsounds

"Sometimes I wonder if things really get better or does the hand of time just beat us down until we surrender?"

Is recovery even possible?

So here I am, approaching 4 weeks out of treatment and into my recovery. Things are going better than I thought they would be. I am having some short relapse moments every now and then. I guess that is to be expected. I knew it would happen but it still scares the shit of out me when it does and I let it bring me down and I start to feel like recovery isn't possible so then why even fucking try? Then I think about my progress - I was having suicidal thoughts daily if not hourly and now they are maybe 1-2 times a week so that is progress but I still feel it is a setback. I picture it like an alcoholic. I feel like having a suicidal thought is equivalent to falling off the wagon and having a drink. My wife helped me readjust my thinking regarding that but I can't help but feel like I am not making progress. You also hear about so many people that are in recovery for a long time and then just fall off and end their life after years of recovery. Is that going to be me? That scares the piss out of me! Is all this recovery work for nothing but just delaying death?

To put it into some perspective I see it this way - the only way this disease will end is by death. Either by my own hands or by natures way. So we are delaying the inevitable to try and live a positive life for what? To try and forget about the fact that I am depressed and to force myself to go on living a life that for the majority of the time I don't want to be in? It feels very counter-intuitive. I know suicide would be an easy way out and basically giving up and letting depression win, I get that and I know I don't want it to win BUT I will never ever be cured. Ever. So it is either learn to live with it or let it kill me. These are the thoughts that ruminate in my head. Even when I am not in a depressed state. Like right now - I am feeling just fine, actually kind of happy today. I guess you have to find your reasons for living on and fighting through another day. Of course the easy answer to that is my kids. Yes I don't want them to grow up without a father figure or resent me or have a lifetime of depression. It is my hope and my promise to them that I will do whatever I can to prevent them from having the same pain and issues I have/had and I know that if I were to kill myself that it would guarantee a lifetime of pain and depression for them as well as my wife. But that doesn't make my life happy? It is kind of like that line in Office Space "work hard enough so you don't get fired." So I live just enough to keep my promise to my kids but that surely doesn't bring me happiness. So in essence I am telling myself to live a depressed life for someone else? Live for someone else? That is antithetical to everything I believe. Live for yourself. But I guess a suicidal person can't afford to have morals and strong held beliefs when their mind doesn't function correctly. 

I plan to go on living and doing everything I can to beat this disease but that is easy to say when my mind isn't filled with darkness and distortions. The best I can do is prepare myself for those relapses and ensure that I feel I am equipped enough to weather the storm. Here is to hoping I have packed enough!

Song of the day - Change - Blind Melon

"When your deepest thoughts are broken, you keep on dreamin' boy 'cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die."

Hi! I am Justin

Hi! My name is Justin. I am just an average guy. Mid 30's. I have been married for 11 years, I have 2 kids, I have a good job at a bank, I am a avid dog lover and have 2 of the best dogs in the world, I enjoy playing music in my spare time. I can sorta play the drums, I am even worse on piano and shouldn't even be allowed to play the guitar but yet I still try. I have a pretty good life. Own a house in suburban Minnesota. I really can't or shouldn't complain about much....Here is the deal though - I have a disease. I am sick. Don't worry it is not contagious. You can't catch it from me if I sneeze on you. You won't get it if you touch me or get too close. It isn't sexually transmitted either. You probably can't even notice it by looking at me. If I went to my family physician, they could run a million tests on my blood, check every part of my body and they wouldn't be able to find it either. So... what the hell is it? Is it some invisible made up illness? Does it even exist? How the hell do I know I even have it? My disease affects pretty much the central command center of my body. My brain. I have a mental illness. Well what the fuck is that right? I wish I could tell you. My brain doesn't fire correctly and something in there is not wired correctly. How do I know I have it? I live in a depressed state of mind along with 7+ million other Americans.  Now - you need to understand that there is a difference between sadness and depression. Sadness is an emotion that comes and goes. Depression is a state of mind that does not move forward. I lack motivation to live life. I feel like I am constantly looking up from a hole and can't see any light. It isn't the inability of feeling happiness, I can be happy and from the outside, I probably appear happy most days. I try to live a positive life. This depression in my brain makes me think very inappropriate things. Sure I can have good and bad days but when depression hits, I find myself secluded and isolated and only wanting one thing and that is to remove myself from this world. When I am at my worst, I can't think of others and the impact that I have on them. They are irrelevant. All I can see or feel is my own desire to not exist anymore. That smile my daughter shot me, my son telling me he loves me, that amazing sex I had last night, none of it matters and none of it proves to work as a reason to stay. Most people cannot comprehend that and I really wish that they could. It is super important for others to realize that it isn't just a mood thing that can just be changed. It is a medical condition that requires medication and therapy to fix. Suicide accounts for 35,000 deaths a year (homicides account for around 16K a year). Think about that for a moment. We hear about murders and homicides on a daily basis yet they refuse to ever mention someone dying of suicide unless it is a famous person. They do this to prevent copy cats and giving people the idea of suicide. Well I will tell you this - if a person is contemplating suicide, it isnt because they heard someone did it on the news. They have been thinking about it before. And MAYBE just maybe we want to use that same tactic for homicides? Do you think if we didn't mention them on the news they just magically wouldn't happen? Of course not. Depression and suicide are such taboo subjects. No one wants to talk about them or acknowledge them. We just hide it in the headlines under the guise of "died unexpectedly" Fuck that. They died of suicide. They had a disease/illness. If you want to compare it to cancer, we can say that they lost their long courageous battle with depression. Let's get people to talk about this openly and honestly.  I think we need to be real about this if we ever expect to see change.

Dark Side of Me

Today was a bad day and a good day all in one. Maybe I am bipolar.... who knows. I have been having these awful headaches lately and neck pain that wont go away with pain killers. It has been 3 weeks and it s becoming debilitating. I am starting Physical Therapy in a few weeks to help so we will see how that goes. As I was driving home, I was overcome with darkness. It just hit me like a fucking brick. Driving, listening to Rise Against and BAM. I could just feel it overcome my body and felt my mood completely shift. It was like a warm feeling that just pours over my body from head to toe. Hard to describe but it is a real physical feeling that overcomes me mentally. I was in the car and   I was approaching a big dump truck and for a moment I had the vision of flooring the gas pedal and rear ending right into him and my car would be under the truck and the potential for killing me would be high as I would probably get decapitated and it would most likely be instantaneous.Fortunately I wasn't fully in the shit and I snapped out of it and started to cry a little bit. Why the fuck is this happening? Why can't I get this to stop? Where did this come from? I thought things were getting better! Why? It just keeps coming back. I keep telling myself that it is never going to go away and I just have to continue to battle it. But god dammit - I can't keep doing this. I can't keep having this. It scares the shit out of me that these are going to keep coming at me. I don't know how long I can keep fending these off....

Milestones, MIA, and Mindfulness

Living with depression is a very quirky and interesting thing. No one knows your sick. The majority of people would probably freak out if they knew what you were thinking. It comes and goes as quickly as the breeze blows some days. There are days you can't imagine going on living and there are days you can't remember why you need help - at least for me. But I would say about 5/7 days a week I feel myself slip into the darkness at some point. It is hard to get around your head at times. However, the other day I reached a milestone. I have gone 5 days without suicidal thoughts. It was pretty awesome to know that things are improving. I remember just thinking "huh... I haven't thought about anything like that in a long time! Whats going on?" Usually thinking about suicide is a sign that something is wrong, but for me, NOT thinking about it made me think something is wrong. I guess that is just a part of this recovery thing I am doing. It isn't a bad thing by any means. It does feel strange. I am starting to feel better and happier.

After I posted my Depression story on Facebook, the response was pretty overwhelming. A lot of people messaged, texted, posted their support and accolades for saying something. That all felt incredible! It was great to get the word out and maybe, just maybe, get one person to realize it is OK to have a mental illness and that it is ok to ask for help. This blog is mine to just let my thoughts and feelings out so thats what I am going to do. It really confuses me on who the people that reached out and offered support vs. those that didn't. I am very involved in a few churches and have a lot of church connections on Facebook. Hardly ANY of them said anything or even acknowledged it when I saw them Not that I was expecting them to but you would just think that they would be the first to mention something. It was a little weird. They talk about being a community and praying for people but not a word was mentioned.... and maybe it didnt need to be - maybe they are doing it silently who knows. But it was just odd. Also - I had a re-connection with my best friend from High School who is going through some of the same things. We hadn't talked face to face in probably 5 years. I was scared and nervous but it was wonderful to see him and catch up and hear that he is going though a lot of the same struggle. Throughout everyone there were those that were inconspicuously missing..... my brother. We haven't ever really been that close but ever since I told him what I was going though, he hasn't reached out once to see how I am doing or anything. Not that I was really expecting him to but, Jesus man, I am your brother. As much as I wish it didn't it does kind of hurt. I wish he gave a shit enough to call, or text. Something. You always kind of hope people are going to come through when you need them, but not a fucking thing from him. I really wish it didn't hurt like it did. I only have 1 brother - I guess I can't force him to care. Does he not know how to talk about it? Does he not care? Does he not have any interest? Does he only give a shit about hockey? It is the response I was expecting but somehow, somewhere, I thought this might be different. Probably too busy with work and the kids and whatever the fuck else he does which I don't know since we don't talk.

Along with journaling my journey through this, I have took on meditation. I only do it for a few minutes a day. Just to help me center and ground myself. There are a lot of cool apps out there that help. I am really trying to focus on mindfulness. Being mindful of myself, surroundings, feelings, emotions and being. It may sound cheesy but I have noticed it helping. Getting a better understanding of oneself can only benefit you. I feel more in touch with myself (insert masturbation joke) and I feel I am understanding myself more - what my triggers are etc. I feel that I am able to create a blocking mechanism for my negative thoughts. Sometimes it feels like I am waging a war inside my head. I have these negative thoughts that appear and I am trying to build an army to attack them and prevent them from taking control... but this is all in MY head. It kind of feels like a multiple personality/split universe type scenario. I control my negative thoughts but yet I also control the means to destroy them? Does that make sense? It isI just weird to have to build up something to combat yourself. I guess that is what makes this disease all the more interesting and difficult to fix. You are the enemy but you are also the hero.

Song of the day - Begin Again - Ignite

"This is your chance to being again. A brand new start to a different end. This is your life to look forward to, and now it's all on you!"

Oreos and Isbell

I am a few weeks into my recovery and so far things are going ok. I am slowly integrating myself back into life and bringing things back into my life. I feel I might be losing a little touch with what I got from the PHP program but I think it is bound to happen when you integrate back with life. I am thinking I am going to go through all my stuff again this weekend just to keep it top of mind. I have been completely astounded by the reactions and messages of support I have received from others since I outted my depression on Facebook. A lot of people have the same issue and I really feel that in a small way I helped the cause of depression and Stigma fighting. I fear that a lot of people misinterpreted my intentions as looking for attention and sympathy but that was not it at all. I was reluctant to do so just because of that reason. But after knowing that recovery is possible and that there is such good help available, I wanted to get a face to the disease and perhaps encourage others to think differently about it.

Throughout my recovery there has been 2 constants that have aided me and been instrumental to my recovery.... Oreo's and Jason Isbell. I am consuming more Oreo's than I ever have in my life. I could put down an entire bag of them a day and still want more. It has become almost an addiction. I can't describe the draw to them but Jesus - Oreos fucking rock my world right now. For the record - just the regular OG Oreos. None of that newfangled Thins or double stuff or different flavors. The intentions behind those are good and I am sure they are just as delicious, if not more, but right now - just a sleeve of regular Oreo's and a glass of milk and I am a happy man.

Another thing that has been hugely instrumental is the music of Jason Isbell. I have always been familiar with him and his music but never really took the time to dive into it and appreciate it. I took a liking to a few of his new tunes and started to dig in. The more I listened, the more I fell in love. Every album has a different feel, vibe and sound. His songwriting is matchless. His way with words is simply a gift from God. He sings so passionately and heartfelt that when I was in my shit, it just resonated so well with me. Or as my wife put it "his music spoke to you when you needed to be spoken to." Ain't that the truth. I seriously haven't gone a day in the past 3 months without listening to him in some way. Be in the shower, doing dishes, driving, walking the dogs etc. It is constant. I have a DVD of him at Austin City Limits and I swear I have played it 100 times so far. I am surprised my wife hasn't gone insane yet. But it is giving me something to relate to and makes me happy. I have seen him live twice in the past 3 months and both shows I was giddy and smiling the entire time. I haven't felt this way for a band since.... I dont know... maybe the first Coheed and Cambria album? Either way - his music, voice, songs and lyrics are speaking to my soul and when I meet him someday, I will tell him the profound impact that he had on my life and my recovery. 

Song of the day - Across Five Years - Boysetsfire

"I lose my life and take it back. Crashed this side of happiness."

Suicide Prevention Day

This is the post that I just posted on Facebook. Pretty much outing myself and disease. 

Today is Suicide Prevention day. As much as I want to keep this to myself - I think it is important to come out and let my story be heard. I have battled major depression for the past 20 years. Last month, I had a very difficult and serious relapse that ended with me being admitted into a Partial Hospitalization Recovery Program for 3 weeks. I am not posting this for sympathy or attention as that is NOT my intent. I am posting this to help bring awareness that depression crosses all races, ages, income brackets and generations. Depression is a very real disease. It completely messes up your mind making you feel a darkness that is incredibly difficult to describe. It is nearly impossible to try and explain it to someone who never has experienced it. It is more than just sadness. It is something wrong with your brain. Either a chemical imbalances or a misfiring in your brain. You can get past the darkness. You are NOT alone and there are people who DO understand and can help. Just like any other illness or disease, it can be treated.

There are a lot of messages out there to reach out to someone when you are suicidal and depressed which is one of the best pieces of advice that can be given. However, when I was at my lowest, I found out that some of the friends I reached out to didn't know how to respond or react and, honestly, I felt like I scared them off. This feeling of rejection and alienation breeds a deeper level of depression. I know it isn't feasible for everyone to have a PsyD and be professionally trained BUT I think it is realistic to believe that everyone would have a basic understanding of what to say, and more importantly, what NOT to say. Thankfully there is a plethora of informative sites that can help with that part. I implore you to take 2 minutes and check out this site. You never know when someone you love will reach out to you needing to talk.https://makeitok.org

I have found myself at the edge of the darkness before and it is not pleasant. You can't see any light or feel any hope and can't fathom yet another day or let alone hour. You aren't thinking of others and the impact on them, you can only feel your own darkness and have a desire to end the pain. So please, don't call them cowards or selfish. It is the devastating ending of trying to fight the disease. Personally - I have gotten help and through medication, therapy and support groups - I am able to maintain a pretty functional and normal life. It still is a daily struggle and it comes and goes but I am in a better place than I have been. I know that it will be a lifetime battle but I am armed to the teeth with an arsenal of tools to combat the darkness. There is a reason to have hope.

If you need help or need to talk - make the call - 1-800-273-8255 or call/text me - 612-386-3578. Don't let the disease win. You can survive this.
"How we survive is what makes us who we are."

I wish

I wish I liked my job 1/2 as much as my wife does. I wish I still drank. I wish pot didn't fuck with my mind so much so I could do it once in a while. I wish I had more confidence. I wish I was willing to take chances. I wish these peanut butter M&Ms I am eating were limitless. I wish my headache would go away. I wish I could have more sex. I wish I would have pursued music harder. I wish I wouldn't be such a pushover. I wish I had the balls to carve out my own path. I wish that depression didn't exist. I wish I didn't have to take anti-depressants. I wish I had style. I wish these pants didn't have a hole in the pocket. I wish I had more patience with my kids. I wish I wasn't as irritable. I wish I could just walk away. I wish I could say No. I wish I could be a better husband. I wish I was a better friend. I wish I could finish writing a damn song. I wish some of my friends were more supportive. I wish I had a 1957 Fender Telecaster (Butterscotch Blonde), I wish my dogs would live forever. I wish I knew exactly how you think of me. I wish more people could understand the depressed mind. I wish I could understand the depressed mind. I wish I read more. I wish I could be honest. I wish I knew how to fish. I wish I could help more people. I wish I would have gotten a cookie at Potbellys today. I wish Donald Trump wasn't our fucking president. I wish I had more tattoos. I wish my parents would just listen sometimes. I wish I didn't always overshare everything. I wish you were here. I wish I could just shut up sometimes. I wish my kids knew just how much I love them. I wish I could say everything that is in my head and not be judged. I wish someone could tell me where the hurt comes from. I wish I knew the meaning of life. I wish I was better looking. I wish I had answers. I wish I had more questions. I wish I was really good at one thing. I wish that I never have another relapse. I wish the work days were shorter. I wish I had a bigger penis. I wish I could grow a mustache. I wish I would have schoooled it up when I was younger. I wish I never touched drugs. I wish I never smoked. I wish I didn't live 10 miles from my hometown. I wish people spoke how they truly felt. I wish I could have it both ways. I wish I knew when these feelings would end. I wish she felt the same. I wish my dad could live longer. I wish I am as good as grandparents as my parents are. I wish I knew what I wanted. I wish I could be satisfied. I wish could lose 50 pounds. I wish I didn't always want more. I wish I knew how others perceived me. I wish I could take those words back. I wish I never made her cry. I wish I never wanted to die. I wish things would go back to normal. I wish I knew what normal was. I wish I didn't feel alone. I wish I could cry more. I wish I knew why.I wish life made sense. I wish I had it together like that guy does. I wish he didn't wish the same thing.

The New Normal

I guess you could say that today is the start of my new life. I started back up at work. I was nervous. After being gone for so long... what do I tell people? What if they ask? Will I be able to do the work? Will they look/treat me different? So many things to think about and worry about. The night before my illustrious return to work - I drove 4 hours to Fargo North Dakota by myself to see Jason Isbell in concert. It was exactly what I needed. His music has been instrumental so far in my recovery and seeing him live really resonates with me. I just feel connected to him and the music. Nothing matters when the music is on. It was a little weird to be at a show by myself but it was also kind of nice. I ran into some friends from college as well. I stayed at a shitty hotel in Fargo. It was lonely but still kind of nice. I drove straight from Fargo to work this morning. Not many people said really anything about my return. My boss just asked how I was doing and told me we would catch up tomorrow. I basically went through emails today.  Honestly - it feels good to be back. I feel better - mentally and physically. I have confidence that I didn't have before. We will see how long this lasts.....

A part of this new normal for me is new medication. The Wellbutrin I am on is giving me awful headaches every day and OTC pain meds don't do anything. I see my Psychiatrist on Friday so maybe we will adjust. But I am feeling better so maybe it is a small price to pay.... I haven't had any relapse of negative or suicidal thoughts in almost a week now. It may sound dumb but that is huge considering I was on the verge of actually doing it just over a month ago. Hopefully it continues to get better. I am looking into taking Yoga. I really liked it while in treatment. It was relaxing and I think I can get something out of it. I really want to implement some of the tools I learned in treatment to my life and not lose sight of it. It would be really easy to slide right back into same patterns and same routines and unfortunately, that will lead to the same results and I refuse to go back down that road. I have to commit to myself and family that I am making myself a priority. I have to get over the thought that that is selfish. I mean, it is in a way, but ultimately I am focusing on ME to be a better person for THEM. If I keep looking at it that way, that should help motivate me.



I really think I need to get back into music - playing. Sure I play at churches etc but I want to create. I think that will help a lot. I think this might be a calling or beckoning to me to get back into it. I have written about 30 songs/riffs/ideas that are all saved on my phone. I think I could put together something pretty cool and special. I asked a friend of mine to help me build the songs so we will see how that goes. If I can put a record together for my kids to listen to when I am long gone and maybe just for a second, inspire them or have a positive effect on them - that is all I want. I just need to get my ass in gear and start the process. My confidence level on the piano and guitar are very low so it is hard for me to play with others around, which is kind of weird. I just need to get over it and play expressively  - just like I play drums and forget what others might think.

As far as life post-treatment, I am feeling rather good. I miss treatment and miss the people there. I miss being open and honest. I used to be able to have those conversations with my wife but now with my son starting Kindergarten, her work stresses, my work, her Dr. appts, mine, etc there is little to no time for us to talk about that stuff anymore and that bothers me. I don't want to just jump in one night and say "hey let's talk about my fucked up head!" But maybe I need to . I know she cares and loves me dearly. I just need to keep trudging along and continue to build a life worth living. However, I am not too sure exactly how I am going to do that. I don't even know what that entails? I thought I had that before - but clearly I didn't. So what do I need to add to create this mysterious 'life worth living?' I have a good job, an awesome wife, 2 (relatively) good kids, supportive parents etc. WTF am I missing? I think it is an outlet for my passion. Working for a fucking bank is not a passion of mine nor will it ever be.... but providing a comfortable life for my family IS. So I don't know what to do. I guess I will keep looking and trying to find that passion somewhere. I see musicians and drummers that are half as talented as I am making a career out of it so maybe I should. (That is the most arrogant I will ever be... just trying to be honest) Fuck I don't know.

Song of the day - Prey - Boysetsfire

"Bring down the lights and just go home. I have nothing left and I want to be alone."

An open letter to an old friend....

Dear Depression,

It has been a long time since I have seen you. I have to say - it was a little surprising to see you. I honestly didn't think I would see you again. Like an old friend, it was nostalgic to see you and be in your presence. A lot of memories of us together in the past came rushing back. You have changed a lot since I last saw you, it took me a while to recognize you. My life has been pretty good since I last saw you. I still think about you sometimes but honestly, not a lot. After our last breakup, I have made a conscious effort to keep you out of my mind and just try to move forward without you. It was a little comforting to see you again as well as discomforting. I feel that I have changed a lot since we last saw each other as well. I have grown up. I have a family now, I have a different job, I have moved - in fact I am surprised you were able to track me down. I am in a completely different place than I was last time we were together. But I guess that just speaks to your perseverance and commitment. I have used many methods to leave you behind but it appears you don't wont disappear that easily..... or maybe I like having you around?

It was nice to catch up but it just isn't the same. The way you make me feel isn't the same as it was before. I am not comfortable with it. I honestly don't feel like I can maintain this friendship going forward. I know there will be an urge for you to pop in and catch up but I just don't think that is something I would enjoy. We both have changed - we both have better things to do. I feel I have given you everything I can - I have nothing left to give to you. This is personal. I personally don't want you or need you in my life. it frustrates me to think you can waltz into my life whenever you want to and think you can jump in and fuck up my life. I can't allow that to happen anymore. I will not allow that. You did make me feel something that I have never felt before. But you also made me do things that I am no longer comfortable with. I no longer want to have those feelings. So i am writing you this letter to tell you I am done. This is the end of the line for us. No more will I listen to your dark thoughts and attempts at control. I will no longer be susceptible to your seductive and mysterious nature and presence. I know you will try because that is just who you are but I have all my senses on alert for you. I will NOT allow you back into my life, regardless of how you try to manifest or disguise yourself. This is me telling you - Fuck off. You are not welcome here. This is goodbye. Forever.

Your old friend ,
Justin

I am not worthy

This is going to be a different blog entry than normal. I am going to just journal my feelings about something that happened in group today. We were discussing Automatic Negative Thoughts and what are the common ones we experience. The one that came to my mind was "I don't deserve this." We started to discuss the potential roots of that thought and why I have it. As I dug, and kept thinking - I started to realize that it is based on the fact that I have a very low self esteem. I guess I always have. I don't feel like I deserve any of the good things that I have worked for.

Growing up, I was always the dumb one in my family, among my friends etc. I sucked at school, even when I did try I fucked up and failed. I just couldn't get the information to stick. I always had this feeling about myself that I really wasn't that smart or intelligent. I went to college after a few years of music college and trying to figure out what to do. I ended up succeeding pretty well in college. I graduated with honors with two majors. I have built a successful career for myself. I have worked for some of the biggest companies in the country (Best Buy, Gander Mountain, US Bank) all of these have been in good roles in their corporate office. I have built my career where I have a more than comfortable living making well into 6 figures. I have a beautiful house which includes my personal drum studio. I drive the car I have always wanted, an Acura TL. I have 2 kids who adore the shit out of me and my wife is the love of my life. I should be happy that I have worked and succeeded and got to this point. HOWEVER - I can make excuses and reasons for all this that deflect any acceptance of success.

First off - getting a college degree was fairly easy - it was sociology and Criminal Justice. Very soft sciences and they intertwine so much that I had to take 2 extra classes to get the double major. I enjoyed the subjects and they are so soft that it is extremely easy to get a degree in them. So there is that. As for my jobs - I had worked at Best Buy for 8 years in the store so I knew some key people who got me into the roles at the corporate office. I don't feel it was ever merit based but just based off who I knew. The same played out for Gander and US Bank - they were so impressed with the Best Buy experience that that was all that mattered. So in my eyes, it wasn't me or my abilities but instead it is my resume and history that got my hired.

So I sat in treatment today trying to figure out why I cant accept success. I always brush it off. In college I remember the first time I had people asking ME what I put for answers on homework etc and changing theirs to match mine since they thought I was smart. It freaked me the fuck out. Seriously do these people know that I am not really that bright? Where did they get that notion? Somebody in treatment the other day called me intelligent - I cannot accept that label and I dont know why. I guess I still see myself as the stoned out, asshole teenager who didnt give a fuck and was taking Freshmen classes as a Senior and never getting past Algebra in college. Graduating with a 1.8 GPA and having my mom basically beg the principal to let me graduate.  I think at some point it was ingrained into my head that I was dumb and just roll with it. Maybe that is why I use humor to deflect that? I am very insecure about my intelligence and play it down.

I feel like I am just one step away from losing it all. Like I am just on the edge of a precipice and at any moment my luck is going to run out and lose it all. I guess I feel like that is what is going to happen at some point. I look at everything I have and don't see it as things or stuff I have worked hard for, it feels like I am just fooling people into thinking I am relatively smart and they are buying it. I guess if I want to consider myself successful at something, it is that I can fool people in thinking I am intelligent and successful....

Song of the day - Miracle - Rise Against

"Every road to recovery starts at the breakdown. "

If it takes a lifetime....

Life has been very hectic lately. I am in my last 3 days of my 3 week treatment program. It has gone by so fast. I come home exhausted (mentally and physically sometimes) and by the time we get dinner and get the kids to bed, I go to bed. I have put myself on a strict bedtime of 9:30. It has helped me decompress and get some decent sleep. I am missing out on spending time with my wife at night but I gotta focus on myself right now. I am finally getting time to sit down and write about my experience so far. It was rough at first - I didn't think I would fit it as there was a lot of low-functioning people that I could not relate to. But over the past week or so more higher functioning people have joined that I am becoming friends with and it is really helpful. I think I am really going to miss this place. It is such a safe environment. I enjoy learning about the brain, mental illness, the body etc.

We had a family therapy session with the psychologist last week. It involved my wife and my parents. It went pretty well. We just discussed my discharge and how to move forward from the program. I am a little apprehensive as I think my parents assume that after I finish the program, I will be healed. I am trying to make sure they understand that this is a lifelong battle and it will be something I wrestle on and off. Hopefully it never gets as bad as the last relapse. But I feel I have the tools (and drugs) to keep it at bay. After the session, I think they are starting to learn that I won't be healed completely but just have more in my arsenal to combat with this disease. My wife gets it which is great and she can help try to help them understand.

I get discharged in 3 days. I am nervous as fuck. I have a week off before I go back to work. I am really anxious about going back to work. Can I handle the stress? Will my mind wander? Is my depression work based? Should I leave? My boss has been really supportive up until this point and I feel it is authentic. I hope it is a genuine support. We will see as I go back what happens. After I get discharged, I am going to see my psychologist every 2 weeks and my psychiatrist once a month to regulate medications. I also am going to start attending a mens support group for Depression. It is called the Faceit Foundation. I am looking forward to that. I think it will be good for me to be around other men/dads/professionals who are in the same boat as me. I think that is a solid plan for discharge. I am going to try and implement some elements of Yoga and deep breathing into my daily routine along with self care elements like playing guitar or piano and walking the dogs. It is going to be a long road but I am feeling confident for the first time in a while that I can get through this.

Song of the day - Smoke - Ben Folds Five

"No one will ever know the reasons for the tears. They are smoke."

Ups and downs and all arounds

I have completed my first week at DayBridge - the partial hospitalization program. It is intense and I am learning a lot of coping mechanisms. My mood has really been fluctuating a lot. It appears to change several times a day. I can wake up in a good mood but then just goes right into the shitter in the afternoon. I feel like my meds are adjusting and regulating in my body. My head is starting to clear up a bit.


It was a long and draining weekend. We had a wedding for my wife's cousin on Friday night. No kids were allowed so it was just me and my wife which was nice. Although, I knew a few people there, it was for the most part awful. It was in a really nice barn but there was a lot of people there, and lots of drinking. That just made me feel uncomfortable and my anxiety started to rise. I started to feel some depersonalization come on during the night. I got hot and the more I thought about it the worse it got. I tried to employ some of the relaxation methods I have been taught and they worked temporarily but not that great. It is really hard to get out of your own head sometimes. It is hard to not think about something. I still need to figure out how to distract my brain and move it to something else when I get in deep in my head.

The next day we had a funeral for my Aunt who died of a massive stroke. It was great to see my family from out of town. They are some of my favorite people. I confided in a few of them about my treatment and recovery. They were very supportive. It felt good to tell them. Sometimes I feel like I am keeping a huge secret from people. I am very open and would probably tell anyone my current situation if they asked but it is good to get a positive and affirmative response. The funeral itself was good. (as good as it can be I guess) My wife was super great and kept control of the kids so I could focus on family and being in the moment. Surprisingly, my anxiety and depression were in check that day. We even invited everyone over off the cuff after the burial to hang. It was a good night! I was very worried about the weekend but it ended up being good. The next day I played drums at church and my family came. It was pretty awesome to be walking off stage after playing and hearing my daughter yell "daddy!" and come running to me. Those kids make me so happy and smile. I wish I could just harness the feelings and emotions that they give me and bottle them for the times when I feel like shit and just drink it in, but unfortunately, depression doesn't work that way.


Overall my mood is getting better. I have had some suicidal thoughts over the last few days. I've thought about what my note would say... and I have had some urges to write one just for the hell of it. But that gets me too close to a place I don't want to be so I avoid it. I started writing some lyrics the other day. It was about a man who couldn't take anymore of his life and decides to commit suicide. As he is walking through the process and as the end approaches, he realizes that he wants to live but it is too late to do anything about it. Putting it into that perspective has been good because I truly believe that I would regret it and decide I wanted to live if I ever got to that point. But when your brain has been thinking these negative thoughts for years, it is hard to just turn them off. Nearly every day I think about dying or killing myself. It is hard to admit that and believe that but it is true. To me it seems normal and what a normal person thinks. I read a post on a message board the other night that really made me think -  The ultimate mission of your brain is to keep you and the 30 trillion or so cells in your body alive.  Those 30,000,000,000,000 or so cells are innocent little beings.  Innocent little beings depending on your brain for survival.  When your brain believes its mission is to destroy those 30,000,000,000,000 or so little innocent cells, it is malfunctioning, it is ill, it is in need of immediate help which only an intensive care setting like a hospital can provide in such a crisis.  Ideals exist to promote survival.  When the brain is telling you to destroy the 30 trillion or so cells in your body in the name of some ideal, it is malfunctioning.  It is the illness of depression talking.  It is the pain of depression overwhelming the brain.  When the brain is telling you to leave your wife a widow and your child without a father, it is malfunctioning.

That was really powerful to read and digest but also helped me put depression into perspective. My head is fucked up. I need to fix it. It is broken and malfunctioning. Just like anything else, I need to fix it. 

Song of the day - Prodigal - Face to Face

"Need a little time so I can get my head around my mind. "