{Breathe in}.............{Breathe Out}...........
It has been just over a week since my last relapse. That pushed me to an edge I haven't seen in a while. Being in a position where you know that if you had the resources (gun etc) You would have probably taken your own life is scary to look back on. I am glad I didnt and that is the exact reason I don't own any guns. I don't trust myself enough. But I am here... and I am feeling good.... well pretty good for the most part. They changed my medication. Took me off of Wellbutrin and replaced it with Abilify. Abilify is an anti-psychotic used in patients with schizophrenia and some bi-polar but in small doses it appears to be very effective as a supplement to anti-depressants. I have been on it for just over a week and it appears to be helping a lot. I haven't had a suicidal thought in almost a week. It is a more potent drug so they do a lot of check ups on it having to check for negative side effects etc. Its some real shit but it appears to work. I have been sleeping better - not great by any means but enough to get through the day.
I am still having trouble finding a person to confide in and talk to. I thought my friend FJ would be good but he is battling his own demons and I can't put faith in him that he will be there when I need him, but he understands the disease, pain and what recovery is all about. But this is getting frustrating as I just keep facing this shit alone. The resistance to burden others is what is preventing me from reaching out. Although I have been having some really good conversation with my friend DE. She is awesome. We have been friends for almost 20 years and she can tell my mood just by texts. I think I am going to add her into my WRAP plan as my support system. I feel really fucking pathetic that I jut have her and my wife but it is what it is and I can't change it. Sometimes I just wish someone would ask how things are going more than just a general niceties. I think everyone assumes I am ok which is fine. I don't know if I want to talk to more people about this and feel even more judged but I wished it felt like someone cared so I just keep telling myself that I am in this by myself with some outside support but in the end, I need to find what works for me and hold myself accountable. That is what is going to make me succeed through this more than anything else.
They say it is always darkest just before the dawn which I tend to believe. I am starting to really believe that I am on a good road forward. It was dark there for a while and now I am not feeling that darkness. Instead of suicidal thoughts instead I am thinking that I am glad I am there and picturing how miserable and sad my family would be if I wasn't there. For instance, tonight - as a family we went to see Charlie Brown Christmas. It was ok but as we were leaving I had this thought of "Would they have still gone if I had killed myself when I wanted to a few weeks ago? They had the tickets bought?" And then I just pictured my wife looking at the empty seat where I was supposed to be and crying. That gave me a feeling of happiness that I am still alive and here for my family. So maybe this is the dawn, or perhaps it is just a fleeting bright asteroid in my sky but either way there is light I am seeing and it feels pretty good.
Song of the day - Grey - Ani DiFranco
"The sky is grey. The sand is grey. The ocean is grey. I feel right at home, in this stunning monochrome, alone in my way."
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