I am not worthy

This is going to be a different blog entry than normal. I am going to just journal my feelings about something that happened in group today. We were discussing Automatic Negative Thoughts and what are the common ones we experience. The one that came to my mind was "I don't deserve this." We started to discuss the potential roots of that thought and why I have it. As I dug, and kept thinking - I started to realize that it is based on the fact that I have a very low self esteem. I guess I always have. I don't feel like I deserve any of the good things that I have worked for.

Growing up, I was always the dumb one in my family, among my friends etc. I sucked at school, even when I did try I fucked up and failed. I just couldn't get the information to stick. I always had this feeling about myself that I really wasn't that smart or intelligent. I went to college after a few years of music college and trying to figure out what to do. I ended up succeeding pretty well in college. I graduated with honors with two majors. I have built a successful career for myself. I have worked for some of the biggest companies in the country (Best Buy, Gander Mountain, US Bank) all of these have been in good roles in their corporate office. I have built my career where I have a more than comfortable living making well into 6 figures. I have a beautiful house which includes my personal drum studio. I drive the car I have always wanted, an Acura TL. I have 2 kids who adore the shit out of me and my wife is the love of my life. I should be happy that I have worked and succeeded and got to this point. HOWEVER - I can make excuses and reasons for all this that deflect any acceptance of success.

First off - getting a college degree was fairly easy - it was sociology and Criminal Justice. Very soft sciences and they intertwine so much that I had to take 2 extra classes to get the double major. I enjoyed the subjects and they are so soft that it is extremely easy to get a degree in them. So there is that. As for my jobs - I had worked at Best Buy for 8 years in the store so I knew some key people who got me into the roles at the corporate office. I don't feel it was ever merit based but just based off who I knew. The same played out for Gander and US Bank - they were so impressed with the Best Buy experience that that was all that mattered. So in my eyes, it wasn't me or my abilities but instead it is my resume and history that got my hired.

So I sat in treatment today trying to figure out why I cant accept success. I always brush it off. In college I remember the first time I had people asking ME what I put for answers on homework etc and changing theirs to match mine since they thought I was smart. It freaked me the fuck out. Seriously do these people know that I am not really that bright? Where did they get that notion? Somebody in treatment the other day called me intelligent - I cannot accept that label and I dont know why. I guess I still see myself as the stoned out, asshole teenager who didnt give a fuck and was taking Freshmen classes as a Senior and never getting past Algebra in college. Graduating with a 1.8 GPA and having my mom basically beg the principal to let me graduate.  I think at some point it was ingrained into my head that I was dumb and just roll with it. Maybe that is why I use humor to deflect that? I am very insecure about my intelligence and play it down.

I feel like I am just one step away from losing it all. Like I am just on the edge of a precipice and at any moment my luck is going to run out and lose it all. I guess I feel like that is what is going to happen at some point. I look at everything I have and don't see it as things or stuff I have worked hard for, it feels like I am just fooling people into thinking I am relatively smart and they are buying it. I guess if I want to consider myself successful at something, it is that I can fool people in thinking I am intelligent and successful....

Song of the day - Miracle - Rise Against

"Every road to recovery starts at the breakdown. "

If it takes a lifetime....

Life has been very hectic lately. I am in my last 3 days of my 3 week treatment program. It has gone by so fast. I come home exhausted (mentally and physically sometimes) and by the time we get dinner and get the kids to bed, I go to bed. I have put myself on a strict bedtime of 9:30. It has helped me decompress and get some decent sleep. I am missing out on spending time with my wife at night but I gotta focus on myself right now. I am finally getting time to sit down and write about my experience so far. It was rough at first - I didn't think I would fit it as there was a lot of low-functioning people that I could not relate to. But over the past week or so more higher functioning people have joined that I am becoming friends with and it is really helpful. I think I am really going to miss this place. It is such a safe environment. I enjoy learning about the brain, mental illness, the body etc.

We had a family therapy session with the psychologist last week. It involved my wife and my parents. It went pretty well. We just discussed my discharge and how to move forward from the program. I am a little apprehensive as I think my parents assume that after I finish the program, I will be healed. I am trying to make sure they understand that this is a lifelong battle and it will be something I wrestle on and off. Hopefully it never gets as bad as the last relapse. But I feel I have the tools (and drugs) to keep it at bay. After the session, I think they are starting to learn that I won't be healed completely but just have more in my arsenal to combat with this disease. My wife gets it which is great and she can help try to help them understand.

I get discharged in 3 days. I am nervous as fuck. I have a week off before I go back to work. I am really anxious about going back to work. Can I handle the stress? Will my mind wander? Is my depression work based? Should I leave? My boss has been really supportive up until this point and I feel it is authentic. I hope it is a genuine support. We will see as I go back what happens. After I get discharged, I am going to see my psychologist every 2 weeks and my psychiatrist once a month to regulate medications. I also am going to start attending a mens support group for Depression. It is called the Faceit Foundation. I am looking forward to that. I think it will be good for me to be around other men/dads/professionals who are in the same boat as me. I think that is a solid plan for discharge. I am going to try and implement some elements of Yoga and deep breathing into my daily routine along with self care elements like playing guitar or piano and walking the dogs. It is going to be a long road but I am feeling confident for the first time in a while that I can get through this.

Song of the day - Smoke - Ben Folds Five

"No one will ever know the reasons for the tears. They are smoke."

Ups and downs and all arounds

I have completed my first week at DayBridge - the partial hospitalization program. It is intense and I am learning a lot of coping mechanisms. My mood has really been fluctuating a lot. It appears to change several times a day. I can wake up in a good mood but then just goes right into the shitter in the afternoon. I feel like my meds are adjusting and regulating in my body. My head is starting to clear up a bit.


It was a long and draining weekend. We had a wedding for my wife's cousin on Friday night. No kids were allowed so it was just me and my wife which was nice. Although, I knew a few people there, it was for the most part awful. It was in a really nice barn but there was a lot of people there, and lots of drinking. That just made me feel uncomfortable and my anxiety started to rise. I started to feel some depersonalization come on during the night. I got hot and the more I thought about it the worse it got. I tried to employ some of the relaxation methods I have been taught and they worked temporarily but not that great. It is really hard to get out of your own head sometimes. It is hard to not think about something. I still need to figure out how to distract my brain and move it to something else when I get in deep in my head.

The next day we had a funeral for my Aunt who died of a massive stroke. It was great to see my family from out of town. They are some of my favorite people. I confided in a few of them about my treatment and recovery. They were very supportive. It felt good to tell them. Sometimes I feel like I am keeping a huge secret from people. I am very open and would probably tell anyone my current situation if they asked but it is good to get a positive and affirmative response. The funeral itself was good. (as good as it can be I guess) My wife was super great and kept control of the kids so I could focus on family and being in the moment. Surprisingly, my anxiety and depression were in check that day. We even invited everyone over off the cuff after the burial to hang. It was a good night! I was very worried about the weekend but it ended up being good. The next day I played drums at church and my family came. It was pretty awesome to be walking off stage after playing and hearing my daughter yell "daddy!" and come running to me. Those kids make me so happy and smile. I wish I could just harness the feelings and emotions that they give me and bottle them for the times when I feel like shit and just drink it in, but unfortunately, depression doesn't work that way.


Overall my mood is getting better. I have had some suicidal thoughts over the last few days. I've thought about what my note would say... and I have had some urges to write one just for the hell of it. But that gets me too close to a place I don't want to be so I avoid it. I started writing some lyrics the other day. It was about a man who couldn't take anymore of his life and decides to commit suicide. As he is walking through the process and as the end approaches, he realizes that he wants to live but it is too late to do anything about it. Putting it into that perspective has been good because I truly believe that I would regret it and decide I wanted to live if I ever got to that point. But when your brain has been thinking these negative thoughts for years, it is hard to just turn them off. Nearly every day I think about dying or killing myself. It is hard to admit that and believe that but it is true. To me it seems normal and what a normal person thinks. I read a post on a message board the other night that really made me think -  The ultimate mission of your brain is to keep you and the 30 trillion or so cells in your body alive.  Those 30,000,000,000,000 or so cells are innocent little beings.  Innocent little beings depending on your brain for survival.  When your brain believes its mission is to destroy those 30,000,000,000,000 or so little innocent cells, it is malfunctioning, it is ill, it is in need of immediate help which only an intensive care setting like a hospital can provide in such a crisis.  Ideals exist to promote survival.  When the brain is telling you to destroy the 30 trillion or so cells in your body in the name of some ideal, it is malfunctioning.  It is the illness of depression talking.  It is the pain of depression overwhelming the brain.  When the brain is telling you to leave your wife a widow and your child without a father, it is malfunctioning.

That was really powerful to read and digest but also helped me put depression into perspective. My head is fucked up. I need to fix it. It is broken and malfunctioning. Just like anything else, I need to fix it. 

Song of the day - Prodigal - Face to Face

"Need a little time so I can get my head around my mind. "

Mondays, mortality and mindspin

After a long and busy weekend, I had my first Monday at DayBridge. It felt good to be back there. The weekend was unscheduled and open which for some reason I didn't like. I have gotten used to the structure at the program. It was a little hard to get back into it but my mind was focused. I keep telling myself that I only have 3 weeks and I need to make the most of it and get everything out of it that I can. I did Yoga for the first time today and I kind of liked it. I felt relaxed after it. One of the older dudes farted in the middle of it - that was hilarious - yes I am 5 years old.

I am getting really tired and worn out at therapy every day. Even on the days where we don't do a lot of heavy subjects or deep diving, it is still a lot of mind work and by the end of the day I am exhausted. I come home and need a good 30 minute to decompress before I can even think about functioning with the family. This really scares the shit out of me for when I return to work. I am super anxious about that. I still got over 2 weeks left so I am going to keep digging in, leaning in and learning more. The increase in my meds are starting to have a very slight affect on me but nothing too noticeable. I am still having the side effects from the Prozac and it is getting worse. Fortunately, I meet with a Psychiatrist every couple days at recovery so I can address it and see what the options are. Along with Prozac, I am on Wellbutrin which is an Anti-depressant, which is a different class of drug than Prozac. I haven't noticed anything with that either. I am sleeping really well at night which has been great.

After class today, I got a text from my mom that my Aunt Carol had passed away. She was 78. She had a stroke about 2 months ago and was recovering from that. I guess she had a pretty major stroke last night and they rushed her to the hospital. She never recovered. They pulled the ventilator and she died 2 hours after that. She was my moms oldest sister. Carol was an incredibly nice person. She was always happy to see me and my kids. She always was interested in my life and what I had going on. She had a great soul and holidays definitely will not be the same without her. I am not too sure how to process this. My brain is currently filled with all this emotional work and self-care stuff I am doing that when I found out I didnt know what to do. I had a bunch of texts from family telling me she had passed and what was going on and I had a text from another friend who just wanted to talk...instead of calling my mom to see how she was doing and give condolences etc, I called my friend instead to see what she needed. I think it was my way of shielding my emotions and letting myself decompress from therapy before diving into this issue. Self preservation I guess. I ended up spending most of the night with my parents at their house. I dont know why but it just feels right to spend time with family during those times... even though you cant really do anything, I just like being around family. I had a really good talk with my dad and then got to see my mom after she got home. I got home later and didnt get to see my daughter at all before she went to bed - which sucked but I wanted to be there for my mom. I really want to open my calendar for my family this week and do whatever I can to help out but they have a really strict attendance policy at the hospital. They said they can work around a few things but my mom and wife told me I wasn't allowed to miss any days and they would take care of things. I feel helpless but I guess getting better is what is important.

I am still having some pretty depressing days and thoughts. I am really trying to figure out what my triggers are and what gets me out of it. I am noticing that playing guitar is really calming and soothing and gets me out of my funk. I just need to figure out what gets me into them now. The suicidal thoughts are gone for the most part which is good. I hate having those thoughts. It brings tears to my eyes but also a sense of potential relief in my brain when I think about it. The depressed mind is pretty fucked up. I really wish this would go away. I want to get back to living my life. I want to find a new normal and get back to functioning. I am thinking about getting my church involved but I am not too sure. I haven't really gone down the spiritual path yet on this and maybe I should. The church I am involved in is very small and word travels fast and I don't really want the attention for my mental illness. I have asked a few of my religious friends to pray for me to help me through this and they have and I appreciate that.

So where do I go from here? Keep chugging along at therapy, taking my meds and do whatever I can to move forward. My theme for recovery is Letting Go. I need to let go of control on some aspects in my life, I need to let go of negative thoughts and let go of the things that are negative influences and impacts on my life. This may include friends and habits but I need to do it to get better.

Song of the day - Focus on your own family - Off With Their Heads

"It's going to be a rough road, it's going to take some time. But it is all there waiting for you, once you get to the opposite side "

Fitting in, figuring out and fading away....

With one day under my belt, I am feeling more confident and relaxed. I think I know what to expect and how to act. The day starts off pretty much the same as day 1 - group therapy. It was a smaller group today as 2 people were absent. They take absences very serious in the program. Turns out if you don't tell them you are going to be gone, they will call you, then if you don't answer, they will call your emergency contact and if THEY don't answer they will call 911 to check on you. Like I said, very serious. I am forming a friendship with one of the other guys there. He is 29 and just got out of NE8 for the past 30 days. NE8 for those not in the know is Northeast 8 with is the 8th floor of the inpatient facility. Basically he was on lock down for the past month and this is part of his transition process back into real life. He is a really nice guy, successful and high functioning just fell off the tracks and needed help. We had a relaxation class today outside which was kind of nice but you are in the middle of the courtyard in the hospital on yoga mats. It is a little intimidating but it was nice to get outside so fuck it. I am starting to realize that part of the stigma attached to mental illness is the perceived stigma that I believe is being attached to me. Weird right? I assume that everyone sees me coming out of the NE building (which is all mental health) and they are thinking I am crazy or psychotic or whatever. I need to get past that and understand that I am not my disease and it doesn't define me. But this is hard.

I met with my Psychologist and Psychiatrist today and we reviewed medications. We just upped my dose a week ago and added another medication so we don't believe there is any reason to change or modify at this point. I am feeling more comfortable here. Although at times I feel I am too high functioning to be there. In group sessions, my personality still comes out and I am the most vocal and still joke around a lot which might not be the most appropriate.... I don't know. But I feel if I don't it will be an awfully boring session and I want it to be engaging for myself and hoping that if I can make it engaging for myself it will be engaging for others as well and they will feel comfortable to join in. So far though, that really isn't working. I am still going to be who I am and get what I can out of this.

So to get back to the crux of this - my mood lately has been pretty good. The dark thoughts have dissipated for now. But to be honest, lately I haven't felt ANYTHING. I go to my program, come home, do my parental/husbandly duties then go to bed. I have no feelings for anything else. This is the first time I have had ZERO interest in much... that includes sex. It is really weird. Walking around the hospital I will see what I typically would consider a really attractive nurse or Dr. etc and yet I will have no reaction in my brain (or elsewhere). I want nothing to do with sex. I don't know if it is a reaction to the medication increase, the over stimulation of other emotions that my brain shuts down? I don't know. It is a little concerning but it actually has been nice to not be distracted by anything like that. Although I don't know how long my wife could handle me being completely void of all sexual desire and emotion. I guess we will deal with it as it progresses.

The day continued with communication therapy and getting an understanding of proper communicating techniques. That was interesting The social worker that lead that session reminded me of one of my cousins that I love dearly and made it extra fun. The day and week ended with a class on brain anatomy and biology. Learning the different parts of the brain and what they are responsible for. It was not the ideal way of ending the week but it felt good to have the week done with. I am incredible tired. Both mentally and physically. Just drained. I am trying to give everything I can at home but it has been really really difficult. My wife has been understanding but I can't her being this understanding for the full 3 weeks. Hopefully I get used to all this brain activity and can function better at home because right now I feel I am useless at home.


We have an incredibly busy weekend and I am trying to figure out how to get some self-care time but it sounds like it will be hard to come by. I tried to get up early and just journal and listen to music but my son and daughter both decided it was a good day to get up early today as well. Oh well. This is life and I have to learn how to cope, manage and deal. I guess that is what the program is for.

Song of the day - Artist in the Ambulance - Thrice

"Look around and you'll see that at times it feels like no one really cares. It gets me down but I am still going to try to do what's right. "

Consent to Treatment....

It has been an interesting couple of days. I started the day program on Thursday this week - 2 days ago. I was nervous as hell. Not knowing what to expect and the unknown. The program is at Regions Hospital in downtown St. Paul. It is about 30 minutes from my house. They have a wonderful mental health facility there. I parked my car and sat there for a few minutes gathering my thoughts and getting the courage to go and reminding myself that I needed this and this is what was best for me. I worked my way through the maze at the hospital and as I am walking down a hall I look up and see a sign on the building in front of me that says Welcome to Mental Health Services. *gulp* shit just got real. The program is on floor 2. The rest of the floors (3-8) are inpatient rooms. I can already feel the stigma as I stood there with others walking around. I felt like people were judging me but I was ok with that. I sat down for a few minutes and texted a few people in my support system. Then it was time.... I made my way up to floor 2. I walk around the corner and and greeted by a sign that says DayBridge as I see 4 people sitting around talking - no one acknowledges me. I walk into the office.....

I am greeted by the receptionist. She is very friendly and welcoming. She gives me a lunch voucher and a form to fill out which will be needed every morning. I take the form and go fill it out. It is not like the typical PHQ-9 - it is a little more in detail. How was the night before? What did you do? What are your Anxiety and Depression levels today etc. I sit in the hall on a cushioned bench. The halls are painted with neutral colors with peaceful paintings on the wall. There is a distinct smell but I can't put my finger on what it is. More people start showing up. No of them even acknowledging my existence. One guy in his late 40's who is very shaggy with unkempt hair and beard that looks like it last saw a trimmer in the Obama administration says in a very stuttered voice "well... it will be nice to have another male perspective." I laughed and agreed that it appeared to be a lot of females in the program. He looked at me for a few more seconds with a broken smile - this felt like an eternity. The clock hits 9am and the door to group session opens. We all make our way to our respective rooms. I should clarify that there are 2 groups (Green and Purple) there are about 8 people in each group. I am in the purple group. I walk into the group room and there is two very large tables together - feels very similar to any conference room in any business building but this is different... it is dimly lit and there is that fucking smell again! I grab a chair and watch as  people fill in. It is a mixed bag of people. Mostly females. Some with visible scars on their arms from self harm, some with visible emotional scars as they just look down as they walk in. It appears that mental illness spans across all races and ethnic backgrounds. There is an Asian, Native American, Indian and African American.   Their age ranges from around 20 - 50. A few minutes later a lady comes in. She is a Dr. A psychologist. She is the leader of the group. She greets everyone and acknowledges myself and another new guy. She welcomes us and gives us a very brief rundown of what ti expect in the session. This is group. Where everyone has a chance to talk about whatever is on their mind and how they are feeling. Most people talk about the night before and how their levels are at that morning. This is when I start to feel like I don't belong. The stories of these people are incredible - they truly need this help. The disheveled man that spoke to me earlier is in my group and he spoke for 5+ minutes on how the night before he accomplished getting 1/2 of his dishes done then had to take a break - but then thought of how nice it would be to have a clean sink when he got his water in the morning. This was applause worthy apparently. Holy shit I thought. I do NOT belong here. I made dinner for my family last night, did dishes, cleaned the house, got myself up, dressed, my kids up, fed, dressed, dropped off at day care , got gas etc and these people can't do a few dishes? What the fuck did I get myself into? Maybe I am not as fucked up as I thought.

As it comes my turn -  I am invited to just give a little info about myself. So I rattle off all the basics, name, status, what brought me there etc. I don't know how deep I should get on my first go-round. I keep it pretty basic. I have always been pretty social able and outgoing so this wasn't very difficult to do but I felt myself starting to choke up a little when I started talking about my feelings and depression. I don't know these people and I am about to tell them my feelings that I haven't even told my family? I guess this is the leap of faith I need to take. I open up a little but kept it pretty mundane... for now. Group lasts for an hour and then we take a 10 minute break then on to the next session. It is a pretty intense schedule, although not all the sessions are mentally intense. We have Occupational Therapy, then a session where we watched a video on how the brain works - it was really interesting to get into the biology of the brain and how it is wired and fires or misfires to create things like depression, PTSD etc. We then have lunch. We have a voucher for the cafeteria. The food is.... eh... it is hospital food. Nothing special. We all have lunch as a group. This is where I really feel the eyes are on us. We are walking from the Mental health building into the cafeteria. It is obvious by they way we look and dress that we don't work at the hospital and we aren't in gowns or anything so I am sure a lot of people at the hospital know where we are coming from. Lunch was pretty quiet. I talked to a lady who also works at the same place I do just in a different building. It was nice to make that connection as she has helped me orientate myself with the program. After lunch we had music therapy where we played hand drums. This was a lot of fun. I tried to reign in my desire to show off my skills. I ended up telling the group that I was a music major and a professional Drummer. The music therapist was cool and let me lead if I wanted to. I didn't want to take over and overshadow the purpose of the class but I felt in my element. It felt good to experience drumming in a different light - a therapeutic light. I mean it always has been some form of therapy for me but this was on a different level. A basic level. Playing a simple rhythm and feeling it internally. I really enjoyed that class. Then after that, we had pet therapy. This was by far the best. They bring in a therapy dog, Jackson, a 12 year old Golden Retriever and literally, for an hour, you just sit around, petting him, and being in his presence. It was the best way to end the day. I love dogs. I have 2 of my own so I totally get the idea of dogs providing a calming environment and the healing power. Me and Jackson hit it off. He was such a good boy and great to have around. We shared dog stories. It was great. Then after that it the day was over. It went by fast as I was constantly busy but my head was spinning. It was a lot. A lot of thinking, a lot of concentration, a lot of focus, a lot of stress and anxiety, a lot of uncomfortableness, a lot of meeting new people, a lot of new stuff. I was exhausted mentally and physically. Time to head home and prepare for day #2.

Song of the day - Fear - Blue October

"The beauty is, I am learning how to face my beast. Starting now to find some peace and set myself free."

Here's where we begin

A lot has happened the last few days. First off - I got a tattoo. My first one. I felt it was time. I wanted something that was meaningful and significant but also inspiring. I decided to get a line from a Rise Against tune, Survive. I feel this is something I can look at in the good times and bad times and draw inspiration from it. I always want to remember this journey I am on - use it as motivation to keep going and I can look back and tell myself - I survived that - I can fucking do this! In the bad times - it can keep me motivated to keep pushing. I am really happy with it - in fact really proud of it. To me - the meaning is this: we all go through shit in our lives and hit roadblocks and detours. Sometimes these things in life can threaten you and question your ability to move forward - but if we do push forward, it is those victories that mold us into the people we are. I will always be known as a depression survivor because I refuse to let this darkness overcome me and win.

I also had my first appointment with my psychiatrist. That went really well. I really liked her. Very down to earth and easy to talk to. We talked about my history and what we thought brought this on. We also discussed my current treatment strategy in terms of medication. We both decided to stick with Prozac but up the dose (From 30mg to 60mg) and we also added Wellbutrin to help offset some of the negative side effects I am experiencing from the Prozac. The tough thing about mental medication is that you don't notice the effects immediately - it can take up to 3-4 weeks to start to feel them start working. That can be disheartening as it can be a lot of trial and error until you find one that works. That is why I stuck with Prozac. It has worked up until this point so maybe just an increased dose is what I need. I guess time will tell.

Today I had my first appointment with my psychologist. (Yes a different one). She is really nice but I am getting really fucking tired of telling my story over and over and over again. Plus it is really hard to talk about this deep emotional shit with someone that you met 45 seconds ago. There is a lot of things I am telling these people that I have only told my wife to this point. It is deeply emotional, personal and sensitive. But I promised I would be 100% honest and transparent going though this. It is a lot but I know that it is for good reasons.

After my appointment today - I got a call from the Outpatient program I have been wanting to get into. They did an initial screening of a plethora of questions about my symptoms and why I thought the program was good. Honestly - it felt like a job interview. I got a call back later saying they want to bring me in for intake so I I have an appointment tomorrow morning at 9am with a social worker and a psychiatrist to go over probably the same questions and determine if the program is right. It sounds like this program is pretty intense but I think that is what I need. I nervous as hell. But I need to do this. The program is 3 weeks. M-F 9-3:30. It is pretty intense. I am only allowed to miss 2 sessions then I am kicked out. Sometimes I feel this level of treatment might be too much but when I am in the shit and darkness - I know this is what I need. I guess we will see tomorrow what happens.

Song of the day - Time Will Tell - Dave Hause

"Is it that early 30's thing, where some guys just go insane. The doctors give us lithium and we are never quite the same. Do we retreat to younger years to stop the pain?"

The path I carve from here on out....

Today is the day. I am meeting with my psychiatrist and starting the recovery process. Adjusting medications and starting the admittance work on the day program. I am meeting with HR this afternoon to talk through leave options. Shit is getting real. I also decided to get a tattoo today. I wanted something to remind me of this time in my life as well as something to keep me positive and moving forward - a daily reminder that I can move past this and survive. I am nervous as shit. Scared as fuck but ready as I will ever be. This is a big step and I am ready for it. 

I had a really good day yesterday. I was productive, got a lot of work done. Made dinner for the family, cleaned the house, drove my son around to his various activities. It was good..... then the night came. My daughter was crying, my son was being needy - I could just feel the stress level inside me rise. I started to get really short and agitated. As I went to put my daughter to bed, I thought that would help as she usually likes to cuddle and, lets be honest, who doesn't like cuddles? Well I got her all ready and she just wanted to play. Running around her room, pulling books and shit off the shelves... basically being a 1 year old. I just wanted her to go to sleep. I got super frustrated and just put her in her bed, shut her door, and went and laid in my bed as she cried. I needed time alone. The stress of thinking about tomorrow and everything going on came to a head. My anxiety was at about a 8/10. I told my wife I needed some time. She took care of things around the house. I napped for an hour. After I woke up, it was about 9:30pm. I went down to talk to my wife about what happened and my feelings. It was good. I think that will be a big part of my recovery is just being open and honest about what I am feeling and why I think it is happening. 

I woke up extra early this morning.. not by choice. The nerves of today woke  me. I just laid with my dog Cody and thought about life. Got ready and after I dropped of the kids at day care, this song came on that really hit me. Give it All by Rise Against. The line "It's time to come to our senses, and from the dark." Really got my ass in gear. I need to fucking do this. Enough of this shit. I am better than this. I am stronger than this. I can fucking overcome this! Let's fucking do this! So here we go. For better or worse, I gotta give this a shot and get back to a life I want and love. My family, my kids, my wife, my friends... they are my reason to give it all. 

Song of the day - Give it All - Rise Against

"There's a reason, to give it all"

Somewhere between happy and total fucking wreck...

So somewhere between happy and a total fucking wreck is where my mood currently resides. I feel stable though. It isn't getting worse, yet not getting any better. I made the decision yesterday that I can no longer do this alone without immediate professional help. After discussions with my wife, I have decided to go into a Day Program (AKA partial hospitalization). It is a full day at the Mental Health hospital in St. Paul. It is an intensive Outpatient program. It will be anywhere from 1-3 weeks. I am ready to fight this and take back my life. I need the help. I need to learn coping mechanisms and how to handle things better. I told my boss today about (mostly) everything since this will greatly impact my time at work. I will be fully disengaged from work while in this program. It is kind of funny as I know my work is important and it provides an income etc for me and my family but at this point, I am so focused on myself and getting better, if they fired me, I would be ok with it. My boss was very supportive and understanding. Honestly, the conversation couldn't have gone any better. It was a weight off my shoulders.  

Part of my trepidation for telling my employer was the stigma that surrounds mental illness. It is totally acceptable to take time off to deal with a physical illness but someone you are perceived as weak if you have a mental illness. I know that there is this stigma and people are bound to find out why I have been out of the office for an extended period of time and that is something that I am willing to endure. I hope that maybe I can get people to understand that it is ok and in fact, strong, to ask for help. We only have this one life and I need to take care of it. So fuck it if someone thinks I am crazy right? As long as I can come out of this strong(er) and healthier. 

The last couple of days, the suicidal thoughts haven't been as present which has been a welcomed relief. My brain just won't shut off though. I am constantly thinking and getting into my head and can't get my head around my mind....then I am filled with anxiety. I have a lot of trouble getting to sleep and getting out of bed. In the morning, I am filled with fear about the day and just getting up and out the door. Once I get moving and into my rhythm, I usually do OK. Seeing the kids and playing with them in the morning helps a lot. They make me so happy and make me smile. Also, I have 2 dogs; Sadie (11) and Cody (8). I am such a dog lover. They are wonderful dogs. They stay in our yard and are well behaved and protect the kids. I couldn't ask for better dogs. Our oldest dog, Sadie, is such a special and sweet girl. She knows anytime something isn't right and will not leave your side. She is such a mom. Always comforting and nurturing. When my wife was pregnant, Sadie would just lay in her lap with her head on my wife's stomach. There have been many times where Sadie has kissed away our tears. Lately, she can tell something isn't right with me and has been very cuddly with me. Not super obtrusive but just enough to let you know she is there. There is something super powerful and heart warming about dogs. She gives me comfort unlike any human can do. Her presence, her smell, her breathing... everything just calms me down. She will be instrumental to my recovery I can already tell that.

I am trying to keep myself busy and doing productive things. I have started to really take on guitar. I have played it for about 15 years but never took formal training. Just dabbled into it. I am trying to put creative focus into it and redirect my thoughts to it and learn something out of it. It feels good to just sit there with a guitar in my hands. Just strumming chords, playing riffs or songs. Music has always made me happy and it helps divert a lot of my mental state to something positive. I am sure it drives my wife crazy but I guess it could be worse.

T minus 2 days until my Psychiatric appointment. I am nervous but also kind of excited to kick my recovery into gear.

Song of the day - Survive - Rise Against
"Life for you has been less than kind so take a number, stand in line. 
We've all been sorry, we've been hurt. But how we survive, is what makes us who we are!"