A lot has happened the last few days. First off - I got a tattoo. My first one. I felt it was time. I wanted something that was meaningful and significant but also inspiring. I decided to get a line from a Rise Against tune, Survive. I feel this is something I can look at in the good times and bad times and draw inspiration from it. I always want to remember this journey I am on - use it as motivation to keep going and I can look back and tell myself - I survived that - I can fucking do this! In the bad times - it can keep me motivated to keep pushing. I am really happy with it - in fact really proud of it. To me - the meaning is this: we all go through shit in our lives and hit roadblocks and detours. Sometimes these things in life can threaten you and question your ability to move forward - but if we do push forward, it is those victories that mold us into the people we are. I will always be known as a depression survivor because I refuse to let this darkness overcome me and win.
I also had my first appointment with my psychiatrist. That went really well. I really liked her. Very down to earth and easy to talk to. We talked about my history and what we thought brought this on. We also discussed my current treatment strategy in terms of medication. We both decided to stick with Prozac but up the dose (From 30mg to 60mg) and we also added Wellbutrin to help offset some of the negative side effects I am experiencing from the Prozac. The tough thing about mental medication is that you don't notice the effects immediately - it can take up to 3-4 weeks to start to feel them start working. That can be disheartening as it can be a lot of trial and error until you find one that works. That is why I stuck with Prozac. It has worked up until this point so maybe just an increased dose is what I need. I guess time will tell.
Today I had my first appointment with my psychologist. (Yes a different one). She is really nice but I am getting really fucking tired of telling my story over and over and over again. Plus it is really hard to talk about this deep emotional shit with someone that you met 45 seconds ago. There is a lot of things I am telling these people that I have only told my wife to this point. It is deeply emotional, personal and sensitive. But I promised I would be 100% honest and transparent going though this. It is a lot but I know that it is for good reasons.
After my appointment today - I got a call from the Outpatient program I have been wanting to get into. They did an initial screening of a plethora of questions about my symptoms and why I thought the program was good. Honestly - it felt like a job interview. I got a call back later saying they want to bring me in for intake so I I have an appointment tomorrow morning at 9am with a social worker and a psychiatrist to go over probably the same questions and determine if the program is right. It sounds like this program is pretty intense but I think that is what I need. I nervous as hell. But I need to do this. The program is 3 weeks. M-F 9-3:30. It is pretty intense. I am only allowed to miss 2 sessions then I am kicked out. Sometimes I feel this level of treatment might be too much but when I am in the shit and darkness - I know this is what I need. I guess we will see tomorrow what happens.
Song of the day - Time Will Tell - Dave Hause
"Is it that early 30's thing, where some guys just go insane. The doctors give us lithium and we are never quite the same. Do we retreat to younger years to stop the pain?"
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