I am not worthy

This is going to be a different blog entry than normal. I am going to just journal my feelings about something that happened in group today. We were discussing Automatic Negative Thoughts and what are the common ones we experience. The one that came to my mind was "I don't deserve this." We started to discuss the potential roots of that thought and why I have it. As I dug, and kept thinking - I started to realize that it is based on the fact that I have a very low self esteem. I guess I always have. I don't feel like I deserve any of the good things that I have worked for.

Growing up, I was always the dumb one in my family, among my friends etc. I sucked at school, even when I did try I fucked up and failed. I just couldn't get the information to stick. I always had this feeling about myself that I really wasn't that smart or intelligent. I went to college after a few years of music college and trying to figure out what to do. I ended up succeeding pretty well in college. I graduated with honors with two majors. I have built a successful career for myself. I have worked for some of the biggest companies in the country (Best Buy, Gander Mountain, US Bank) all of these have been in good roles in their corporate office. I have built my career where I have a more than comfortable living making well into 6 figures. I have a beautiful house which includes my personal drum studio. I drive the car I have always wanted, an Acura TL. I have 2 kids who adore the shit out of me and my wife is the love of my life. I should be happy that I have worked and succeeded and got to this point. HOWEVER - I can make excuses and reasons for all this that deflect any acceptance of success.

First off - getting a college degree was fairly easy - it was sociology and Criminal Justice. Very soft sciences and they intertwine so much that I had to take 2 extra classes to get the double major. I enjoyed the subjects and they are so soft that it is extremely easy to get a degree in them. So there is that. As for my jobs - I had worked at Best Buy for 8 years in the store so I knew some key people who got me into the roles at the corporate office. I don't feel it was ever merit based but just based off who I knew. The same played out for Gander and US Bank - they were so impressed with the Best Buy experience that that was all that mattered. So in my eyes, it wasn't me or my abilities but instead it is my resume and history that got my hired.

So I sat in treatment today trying to figure out why I cant accept success. I always brush it off. In college I remember the first time I had people asking ME what I put for answers on homework etc and changing theirs to match mine since they thought I was smart. It freaked me the fuck out. Seriously do these people know that I am not really that bright? Where did they get that notion? Somebody in treatment the other day called me intelligent - I cannot accept that label and I dont know why. I guess I still see myself as the stoned out, asshole teenager who didnt give a fuck and was taking Freshmen classes as a Senior and never getting past Algebra in college. Graduating with a 1.8 GPA and having my mom basically beg the principal to let me graduate.  I think at some point it was ingrained into my head that I was dumb and just roll with it. Maybe that is why I use humor to deflect that? I am very insecure about my intelligence and play it down.

I feel like I am just one step away from losing it all. Like I am just on the edge of a precipice and at any moment my luck is going to run out and lose it all. I guess I feel like that is what is going to happen at some point. I look at everything I have and don't see it as things or stuff I have worked hard for, it feels like I am just fooling people into thinking I am relatively smart and they are buying it. I guess if I want to consider myself successful at something, it is that I can fool people in thinking I am intelligent and successful....

Song of the day - Miracle - Rise Against

"Every road to recovery starts at the breakdown. "