Today is the day. I am meeting with my psychiatrist and starting the recovery process. Adjusting medications and starting the admittance work on the day program. I am meeting with HR this afternoon to talk through leave options. Shit is getting real. I also decided to get a tattoo today. I wanted something to remind me of this time in my life as well as something to keep me positive and moving forward - a daily reminder that I can move past this and survive. I am nervous as shit. Scared as fuck but ready as I will ever be. This is a big step and I am ready for it.
I had a really good day yesterday. I was productive, got a lot of work done. Made dinner for the family, cleaned the house, drove my son around to his various activities. It was good..... then the night came. My daughter was crying, my son was being needy - I could just feel the stress level inside me rise. I started to get really short and agitated. As I went to put my daughter to bed, I thought that would help as she usually likes to cuddle and, lets be honest, who doesn't like cuddles? Well I got her all ready and she just wanted to play. Running around her room, pulling books and shit off the shelves... basically being a 1 year old. I just wanted her to go to sleep. I got super frustrated and just put her in her bed, shut her door, and went and laid in my bed as she cried. I needed time alone. The stress of thinking about tomorrow and everything going on came to a head. My anxiety was at about a 8/10. I told my wife I needed some time. She took care of things around the house. I napped for an hour. After I woke up, it was about 9:30pm. I went down to talk to my wife about what happened and my feelings. It was good. I think that will be a big part of my recovery is just being open and honest about what I am feeling and why I think it is happening.
I woke up extra early this morning.. not by choice. The nerves of today woke me. I just laid with my dog Cody and thought about life. Got ready and after I dropped of the kids at day care, this song came on that really hit me. Give it All by Rise Against. The line "It's time to come to our senses, and from the dark." Really got my ass in gear. I need to fucking do this. Enough of this shit. I am better than this. I am stronger than this. I can fucking overcome this! Let's fucking do this! So here we go. For better or worse, I gotta give this a shot and get back to a life I want and love. My family, my kids, my wife, my friends... they are my reason to give it all.
Song of the day - Give it All - Rise Against
"There's a reason, to give it all"
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