Life has been very hectic lately. I am in my last 3 days of my 3 week treatment program. It has gone by so fast. I come home exhausted (mentally and physically sometimes) and by the time we get dinner and get the kids to bed, I go to bed. I have put myself on a strict bedtime of 9:30. It has helped me decompress and get some decent sleep. I am missing out on spending time with my wife at night but I gotta focus on myself right now. I am finally getting time to sit down and write about my experience so far. It was rough at first - I didn't think I would fit it as there was a lot of low-functioning people that I could not relate to. But over the past week or so more higher functioning people have joined that I am becoming friends with and it is really helpful. I think I am really going to miss this place. It is such a safe environment. I enjoy learning about the brain, mental illness, the body etc.
We had a family therapy session with the psychologist last week. It involved my wife and my parents. It went pretty well. We just discussed my discharge and how to move forward from the program. I am a little apprehensive as I think my parents assume that after I finish the program, I will be healed. I am trying to make sure they understand that this is a lifelong battle and it will be something I wrestle on and off. Hopefully it never gets as bad as the last relapse. But I feel I have the tools (and drugs) to keep it at bay. After the session, I think they are starting to learn that I won't be healed completely but just have more in my arsenal to combat with this disease. My wife gets it which is great and she can help try to help them understand.
I get discharged in 3 days. I am nervous as fuck. I have a week off before I go back to work. I am really anxious about going back to work. Can I handle the stress? Will my mind wander? Is my depression work based? Should I leave? My boss has been really supportive up until this point and I feel it is authentic. I hope it is a genuine support. We will see as I go back what happens. After I get discharged, I am going to see my psychologist every 2 weeks and my psychiatrist once a month to regulate medications. I also am going to start attending a mens support group for Depression. It is called the Faceit Foundation. I am looking forward to that. I think it will be good for me to be around other men/dads/professionals who are in the same boat as me. I think that is a solid plan for discharge. I am going to try and implement some elements of Yoga and deep breathing into my daily routine along with self care elements like playing guitar or piano and walking the dogs. It is going to be a long road but I am feeling confident for the first time in a while that I can get through this.
Song of the day - Smoke - Ben Folds Five
"No one will ever know the reasons for the tears. They are smoke."
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