With one day under my belt, I am feeling more confident and relaxed. I think I know what to expect and how to act. The day starts off pretty much the same as day 1 - group therapy. It was a smaller group today as 2 people were absent. They take absences very serious in the program. Turns out if you don't tell them you are going to be gone, they will call you, then if you don't answer, they will call your emergency contact and if THEY don't answer they will call 911 to check on you. Like I said, very serious. I am forming a friendship with one of the other guys there. He is 29 and just got out of NE8 for the past 30 days. NE8 for those not in the know is Northeast 8 with is the 8th floor of the inpatient facility. Basically he was on lock down for the past month and this is part of his transition process back into real life. He is a really nice guy, successful and high functioning just fell off the tracks and needed help. We had a relaxation class today outside which was kind of nice but you are in the middle of the courtyard in the hospital on yoga mats. It is a little intimidating but it was nice to get outside so fuck it. I am starting to realize that part of the stigma attached to mental illness is the perceived stigma that I believe is being attached to me. Weird right? I assume that everyone sees me coming out of the NE building (which is all mental health) and they are thinking I am crazy or psychotic or whatever. I need to get past that and understand that I am not my disease and it doesn't define me. But this is hard.
I met with my Psychologist and Psychiatrist today and we reviewed medications. We just upped my dose a week ago and added another medication so we don't believe there is any reason to change or modify at this point. I am feeling more comfortable here. Although at times I feel I am too high functioning to be there. In group sessions, my personality still comes out and I am the most vocal and still joke around a lot which might not be the most appropriate.... I don't know. But I feel if I don't it will be an awfully boring session and I want it to be engaging for myself and hoping that if I can make it engaging for myself it will be engaging for others as well and they will feel comfortable to join in. So far though, that really isn't working. I am still going to be who I am and get what I can out of this.
So to get back to the crux of this - my mood lately has been pretty good. The dark thoughts have dissipated for now. But to be honest, lately I haven't felt ANYTHING. I go to my program, come home, do my parental/husbandly duties then go to bed. I have no feelings for anything else. This is the first time I have had ZERO interest in much... that includes sex. It is really weird. Walking around the hospital I will see what I typically would consider a really attractive nurse or Dr. etc and yet I will have no reaction in my brain (or elsewhere). I want nothing to do with sex. I don't know if it is a reaction to the medication increase, the over stimulation of other emotions that my brain shuts down? I don't know. It is a little concerning but it actually has been nice to not be distracted by anything like that. Although I don't know how long my wife could handle me being completely void of all sexual desire and emotion. I guess we will deal with it as it progresses.
The day continued with communication therapy and getting an understanding of proper communicating techniques. That was interesting The social worker that lead that session reminded me of one of my cousins that I love dearly and made it extra fun. The day and week ended with a class on brain anatomy and biology. Learning the different parts of the brain and what they are responsible for. It was not the ideal way of ending the week but it felt good to have the week done with. I am incredible tired. Both mentally and physically. Just drained. I am trying to give everything I can at home but it has been really really difficult. My wife has been understanding but I can't her being this understanding for the full 3 weeks. Hopefully I get used to all this brain activity and can function better at home because right now I feel I am useless at home.
We have an incredibly busy weekend and I am trying to figure out how to get some self-care time but it sounds like it will be hard to come by. I tried to get up early and just journal and listen to music but my son and daughter both decided it was a good day to get up early today as well. Oh well. This is life and I have to learn how to cope, manage and deal. I guess that is what the program is for.
Song of the day - Artist in the Ambulance - Thrice
"Look around and you'll see that at times it feels like no one really cares. It gets me down but I am still going to try to do what's right. "
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