After a long and busy weekend, I had my first Monday at DayBridge. It felt good to be back there. The weekend was unscheduled and open which for some reason I didn't like. I have gotten used to the structure at the program. It was a little hard to get back into it but my mind was focused. I keep telling myself that I only have 3 weeks and I need to make the most of it and get everything out of it that I can. I did Yoga for the first time today and I kind of liked it. I felt relaxed after it. One of the older dudes farted in the middle of it - that was hilarious - yes I am 5 years old.
I am getting really tired and worn out at therapy every day. Even on the days where we don't do a lot of heavy subjects or deep diving, it is still a lot of mind work and by the end of the day I am exhausted. I come home and need a good 30 minute to decompress before I can even think about functioning with the family. This really scares the shit out of me for when I return to work. I am super anxious about that. I still got over 2 weeks left so I am going to keep digging in, leaning in and learning more. The increase in my meds are starting to have a very slight affect on me but nothing too noticeable. I am still having the side effects from the Prozac and it is getting worse. Fortunately, I meet with a Psychiatrist every couple days at recovery so I can address it and see what the options are. Along with Prozac, I am on Wellbutrin which is an Anti-depressant, which is a different class of drug than Prozac. I haven't noticed anything with that either. I am sleeping really well at night which has been great.
After class today, I got a text from my mom that my Aunt Carol had passed away. She was 78. She had a stroke about 2 months ago and was recovering from that. I guess she had a pretty major stroke last night and they rushed her to the hospital. She never recovered. They pulled the ventilator and she died 2 hours after that. She was my moms oldest sister. Carol was an incredibly nice person. She was always happy to see me and my kids. She always was interested in my life and what I had going on. She had a great soul and holidays definitely will not be the same without her. I am not too sure how to process this. My brain is currently filled with all this emotional work and self-care stuff I am doing that when I found out I didnt know what to do. I had a bunch of texts from family telling me she had passed and what was going on and I had a text from another friend who just wanted to talk...instead of calling my mom to see how she was doing and give condolences etc, I called my friend instead to see what she needed. I think it was my way of shielding my emotions and letting myself decompress from therapy before diving into this issue. Self preservation I guess. I ended up spending most of the night with my parents at their house. I dont know why but it just feels right to spend time with family during those times... even though you cant really do anything, I just like being around family. I had a really good talk with my dad and then got to see my mom after she got home. I got home later and didnt get to see my daughter at all before she went to bed - which sucked but I wanted to be there for my mom. I really want to open my calendar for my family this week and do whatever I can to help out but they have a really strict attendance policy at the hospital. They said they can work around a few things but my mom and wife told me I wasn't allowed to miss any days and they would take care of things. I feel helpless but I guess getting better is what is important.
I am still having some pretty depressing days and thoughts. I am really trying to figure out what my triggers are and what gets me out of it. I am noticing that playing guitar is really calming and soothing and gets me out of my funk. I just need to figure out what gets me into them now. The suicidal thoughts are gone for the most part which is good. I hate having those thoughts. It brings tears to my eyes but also a sense of potential relief in my brain when I think about it. The depressed mind is pretty fucked up. I really wish this would go away. I want to get back to living my life. I want to find a new normal and get back to functioning. I am thinking about getting my church involved but I am not too sure. I haven't really gone down the spiritual path yet on this and maybe I should. The church I am involved in is very small and word travels fast and I don't really want the attention for my mental illness. I have asked a few of my religious friends to pray for me to help me through this and they have and I appreciate that.
So where do I go from here? Keep chugging along at therapy, taking my meds and do whatever I can to move forward. My theme for recovery is Letting Go. I need to let go of control on some aspects in my life, I need to let go of negative thoughts and let go of the things that are negative influences and impacts on my life. This may include friends and habits but I need to do it to get better.
Song of the day - Focus on your own family - Off With Their Heads
"It's going to be a rough road, it's going to take some time. But it is all there waiting for you, once you get to the opposite side "
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