I have completed my first week at DayBridge - the partial hospitalization program. It is intense and I am learning a lot of coping mechanisms. My mood has really been fluctuating a lot. It appears to change several times a day. I can wake up in a good mood but then just goes right into the shitter in the afternoon. I feel like my meds are adjusting and regulating in my body. My head is starting to clear up a bit.
It was a long and draining weekend. We had a wedding for my wife's cousin on Friday night. No kids were allowed so it was just me and my wife which was nice. Although, I knew a few people there, it was for the most part awful. It was in a really nice barn but there was a lot of people there, and lots of drinking. That just made me feel uncomfortable and my anxiety started to rise. I started to feel some depersonalization come on during the night. I got hot and the more I thought about it the worse it got. I tried to employ some of the relaxation methods I have been taught and they worked temporarily but not that great. It is really hard to get out of your own head sometimes. It is hard to not think about something. I still need to figure out how to distract my brain and move it to something else when I get in deep in my head.
The next day we had a funeral for my Aunt who died of a massive stroke. It was great to see my family from out of town. They are some of my favorite people. I confided in a few of them about my treatment and recovery. They were very supportive. It felt good to tell them. Sometimes I feel like I am keeping a huge secret from people. I am very open and would probably tell anyone my current situation if they asked but it is good to get a positive and affirmative response. The funeral itself was good. (as good as it can be I guess) My wife was super great and kept control of the kids so I could focus on family and being in the moment. Surprisingly, my anxiety and depression were in check that day. We even invited everyone over off the cuff after the burial to hang. It was a good night! I was very worried about the weekend but it ended up being good. The next day I played drums at church and my family came. It was pretty awesome to be walking off stage after playing and hearing my daughter yell "daddy!" and come running to me. Those kids make me so happy and smile. I wish I could just harness the feelings and emotions that they give me and bottle them for the times when I feel like shit and just drink it in, but unfortunately, depression doesn't work that way.
Overall my mood is getting better. I have had some suicidal thoughts over the last few days. I've thought about what my note would say... and I have had some urges to write one just for the hell of it. But that gets me too close to a place I don't want to be so I avoid it. I started writing some lyrics the other day. It was about a man who couldn't take anymore of his life and decides to commit suicide. As he is walking through the process and as the end approaches, he realizes that he wants to live but it is too late to do anything about it. Putting it into that perspective has been good because I truly believe that I would regret it and decide I wanted to live if I ever got to that point. But when your brain has been thinking these negative thoughts for years, it is hard to just turn them off. Nearly every day I think about dying or killing myself. It is hard to admit that and believe that but it is true. To me it seems normal and what a normal person thinks. I read a post on a message board the other night that really made me think - The ultimate mission of your brain is to keep you and the 30 trillion or so cells in your body alive. Those 30,000,000,000,000 or so cells are innocent little beings. Innocent little beings depending on your brain for survival. When your brain believes its mission is to destroy those 30,000,000,000,000 or so little innocent cells, it is malfunctioning, it is ill, it is in need of immediate help which only an intensive care setting like a hospital can provide in such a crisis. Ideals exist to promote survival. When the brain is telling you to destroy the 30 trillion or so cells in your body in the name of some ideal, it is malfunctioning. It is the illness of depression talking. It is the pain of depression overwhelming the brain. When the brain is telling you to leave your wife a widow and your child without a father, it is malfunctioning.
That was really powerful to read and digest but also helped me put depression into perspective. My head is fucked up. I need to fix it. It is broken and malfunctioning. Just like anything else, I need to fix it.
Song of the day - Prodigal - Face to Face
"Need a little time so I can get my head around my mind. "
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