Somewhere between happy and total fucking wreck...

So somewhere between happy and a total fucking wreck is where my mood currently resides. I feel stable though. It isn't getting worse, yet not getting any better. I made the decision yesterday that I can no longer do this alone without immediate professional help. After discussions with my wife, I have decided to go into a Day Program (AKA partial hospitalization). It is a full day at the Mental Health hospital in St. Paul. It is an intensive Outpatient program. It will be anywhere from 1-3 weeks. I am ready to fight this and take back my life. I need the help. I need to learn coping mechanisms and how to handle things better. I told my boss today about (mostly) everything since this will greatly impact my time at work. I will be fully disengaged from work while in this program. It is kind of funny as I know my work is important and it provides an income etc for me and my family but at this point, I am so focused on myself and getting better, if they fired me, I would be ok with it. My boss was very supportive and understanding. Honestly, the conversation couldn't have gone any better. It was a weight off my shoulders.  

Part of my trepidation for telling my employer was the stigma that surrounds mental illness. It is totally acceptable to take time off to deal with a physical illness but someone you are perceived as weak if you have a mental illness. I know that there is this stigma and people are bound to find out why I have been out of the office for an extended period of time and that is something that I am willing to endure. I hope that maybe I can get people to understand that it is ok and in fact, strong, to ask for help. We only have this one life and I need to take care of it. So fuck it if someone thinks I am crazy right? As long as I can come out of this strong(er) and healthier. 

The last couple of days, the suicidal thoughts haven't been as present which has been a welcomed relief. My brain just won't shut off though. I am constantly thinking and getting into my head and can't get my head around my mind....then I am filled with anxiety. I have a lot of trouble getting to sleep and getting out of bed. In the morning, I am filled with fear about the day and just getting up and out the door. Once I get moving and into my rhythm, I usually do OK. Seeing the kids and playing with them in the morning helps a lot. They make me so happy and make me smile. Also, I have 2 dogs; Sadie (11) and Cody (8). I am such a dog lover. They are wonderful dogs. They stay in our yard and are well behaved and protect the kids. I couldn't ask for better dogs. Our oldest dog, Sadie, is such a special and sweet girl. She knows anytime something isn't right and will not leave your side. She is such a mom. Always comforting and nurturing. When my wife was pregnant, Sadie would just lay in her lap with her head on my wife's stomach. There have been many times where Sadie has kissed away our tears. Lately, she can tell something isn't right with me and has been very cuddly with me. Not super obtrusive but just enough to let you know she is there. There is something super powerful and heart warming about dogs. She gives me comfort unlike any human can do. Her presence, her smell, her breathing... everything just calms me down. She will be instrumental to my recovery I can already tell that.

I am trying to keep myself busy and doing productive things. I have started to really take on guitar. I have played it for about 15 years but never took formal training. Just dabbled into it. I am trying to put creative focus into it and redirect my thoughts to it and learn something out of it. It feels good to just sit there with a guitar in my hands. Just strumming chords, playing riffs or songs. Music has always made me happy and it helps divert a lot of my mental state to something positive. I am sure it drives my wife crazy but I guess it could be worse.

T minus 2 days until my Psychiatric appointment. I am nervous but also kind of excited to kick my recovery into gear.

Song of the day - Survive - Rise Against
"Life for you has been less than kind so take a number, stand in line. 
We've all been sorry, we've been hurt. But how we survive, is what makes us who we are!"