I have been trying to be proactive and seek out help from trusted friends and family to open up to and talk to about my depression and darkness. While I feel it is a very important step in the process and having those close to you understand what is going on in your head, I am finding it to be really difficult and challenging. I have reached out to 3 people and told them exactly what was going on and got 3 different responses. I guess I don't know what kind of response I was looking for but none of them was what I was expecting. The first was very supportive and non-judgmental and listened openly. I expected this from this friend. They have always been totally open and understanding. But still, she wasn't sure what to do with that information and what I was expecting from her... I guess I don't either. The other two just basically responded... "Dude... that sucks." and I think I scared them away or freaked them out. There is so much pressure and attention given to those suffering to reach out to friends to support... but what are you to do when those friends don't understand? I want to talk about this and have an open and honest talk with those that care but all I am finding is my wife who will actually listen and understands, and that is ok but I wanted someone outside of my family. None of my friends truly understands depression. They think I am just bummed out and think I need to hear more jokes or funny memes to keep me happy. While that does help, it isn't the solution.
I sit here in my basement, listening to Chuck Ragan, just envisioning the long road of recovery ahead and it feels so daunting. I know I am not going it alone as I have the support of my wife and parents, but I still feel alone. My wife and I sat down and told my parents everything today. They knew I was depressed but not to the suicidal extent. It was difficult to do. To tell my parents I wanted to die and was having these thoughts. I told them that I trusted my wife with making decisions on inpatient care if she felt I wasn't able to make those intelligently on my own. It was good to talk to them. They both understood and gave me their support in whatever we needed. This is the hard part - when you tell people this, they immediately ask what they can do.... and thats the thing - I don't know. I guess just listen and not judge. So, if I made this blog public and someone else is reading this - if you are approached by someone who wants to talk - just listen. Ask questions. Listen openly and just check in with them to let them know you are thinking about them.
It felt really good to just talk to my parents. Open and let it out - which makes me think maybe I should be hospitalized just so I can focus on healing, with no distractions to interfere. I will see how the next few days/hours go. Unfortunately it is an hour by hour thing at this point. I dont feel I am in danger to myself at this point but it comes and goes so quickly it is hard to know what tonight is going to feel like - and that makes my anxiety incredibly high.
Song of the day - Don't Say a Word - Chuck Ragan
"Damn the world. Damn the pain, and find our way."
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