When darkness arrives.....

I am a 36 year old father of 2 (5 year old son and 1 year old daughter). I have been married for 11 years to a wonderful and supportive wife. I own a great house in the suburbs and have wonderful neighbors as well as 2 dogs that are better than most humans I know.  I make good money working at the corporate office of a major bank where I manage digital marketing and strategy. I have some of the best friends in the world - most I would consider family. My parents are the best grandparents ever and love me unconditionally. I have the opportunity to live out my passion of music nearly everyday of my life. I am, for all intents and purposes, a very very lucky man. I am super blessed to have what I have in this world. So why do I want to die?


The thought of dying creeps into my head multiple times a day. What would it be like to die? What would people say? Would it even matter? How could I do it? Why do I glorify death and dying? Ever since I can remember, suicide has always been an active thought in my head - let me clarify - not every moment of every day I am thinking of killing myself, but it is always a thought in the back of my head as an option. I have never really told anybody this as there is such a stigma around it that I don't want to be labeled weird or psycho or whatever else gets attached to it.

From the outside, you would probably never think this about me. I am a pretty happy-go-lucky guy. Usually pretty positive. Friendly and sociable. I am usually always joking and having a good time. That is just my nature and the way I am. But there has always been this dark side of me and my brain.

So this is where I am turning. I am turning to a blog or journal in order to write everything down that crosses my head and note the positives and negatives of the days. In doing so, I hope to work through this and build my recovery. I want to learn my triggers (both positive and negative).  Maybe one day I will publish this in the hopes of normalizing mental illness and helping others that struggle know that it is ok, there are others like you and you can beat it.... or maybe it will just die with me in the deep internet archives somewhere. Either way - this is it. This is me. I wish I was stronger but I am finding out just how weak I am.

Song of the day - Depression Expression - Death by Stereo

"It's never ending, I am done pretending. All I can do is fight."