Fuck Hope - Signed me.

Today I had my initial appointment with a counselor. The counselor was the therapist my wife and I have been seeing. I was nervous about talking to her about what has been going on in my life. Thankfully, my wife called her the day before and gave her a quick low down so that made it easier to break the ice and talk. We talked about the depression and darkness and how to manage it and where it came from, how to avoid it and discuss a treatment strategy. As we started talking about the suicidal thoughts I have been having, I determined that it was only beneficial if I was 100% honest. So I opened up and told her everything. And I mean everything. I told her how suicide has always been an option for me in the back of my head. Granted, it has been like option #3 or #4 but it was always tucked in the back of my mind and recently, it had been making its way to the forefront and that scared me. I also told her how there has always been reasons and obligations to stay alive (kids, wife, family, friends etc) and once I thought about that stuff, the motivation to stay living was there and I could move on. But recently, those reasons aren't as strong. Instead of thinking of my kids and using them as a reason to stay, my brain changes it to "ok, how can I do this to be less impact-full and less traumatizing to them? (Meaning, they wouldn't see my body or etc) This is how the depressed brain works. Rational thought is completely lost. As soon as I told her this, she said excuse me and called psych intake and made an urgent appointment for me with a Psychiatrist and another psychologist. ( I wanted to see someone different for my personal issues outside of her since she was our marriage counselor) I was scared that I was going to get locked up into a padded room and strapped down. I assured her that I wasn't in any danger to myself at that point. She got me an appointment the following week. It felt good to have a plan in place and to start the recovery process. I know this is going to be a long journey but it has to start somewhere. I need to get out of this. I have hope.....

But what is hope? Why should I have hope? Hope isn't shit unless I put in the effort to make it to the other side. It is hard to tell a depressed person to have hope. Sure, I hope that I wake up tomorrow and can function normally and feel great. But I know that isn't reality. I have determination, not hope, that I will beat this and resume a life I want. Hope is one of those non-tangible elements that you can't really see, feel or understand. It almost feels like an empty word. This needs more than hope. This needs work and determination and all my effort.

So, Fuck Hope - signed, me.

Song of the day - Ebbing of the Tide - Casting Out

"I give what I have left, tonight. I give it all back without a fight. I've already lost my mind, so many times. I stand cold and hollow eyed against the ebbing of the tide."