48 Hour Promise

Today was a bad day. I ended up taking a personal day to just take stock of life and be alone. Through this depression, I really crave being alone. I want it all the time. Being alone is also what ignites my depression bouts. It makes my brain go to places I try to avoid. It is almost like I enjoy it when in reality I don't. I went to to the Electric Fetus to do some retail therapy and buy some music to hopefully inspire me. I got some really good stuff - Minor Threat, Sharon Jones, Chastity Brown, Pennywise, Prince, Donny Hathaway and Joel Shapira's new jazz record. A really good mix bag of tunes. The Chastity Brown record is really good and I am looking forward to putting that into my regular rotation. I got my acoustic guitar restrung today. There is something about being in a depressive state that really inspires me to write and play music. It seems to just come out.

Got to spend some time outside with the kids and not focus on my brain but them. They truly are awesome kids and I love them so fucking much. The way my girl smiles when she sees me and runs to me for a hug is enough to make me want to beat these fucking demons. But that only provides motivation and hope for a short amount of time - once the darkness seeps in, you forget about those moments and things. That is something that not a lot of people can understand. Sure from the outside suicide appears selfish and cowardly but when you are in the shit, you can't see outside of it.

It really hurts me to see how this is impacting and affecting my wife. She cries constantly and is trying to be super supportive and helpful in any way she can. Our relationship was rocky before this started and so this is just another hurdle for us. And as painful as it is, I need to focus on myself and my recovery before I can even start to fathom the idea of mending my marriage. I am not myself right now and I am not the person that my wife married so it feels wrong to try and fix something before I can fix myself. We are struggling and I have had my honest doubts if we were going to survive. We are a strong couple and I think we can weather any storm but my focus needs to be on me and I think she understands that.


In doing research in how to go through recovery, I learned that it is important to have people that you can openly talk to who won't judge you and can hold you accountable. I learned about making 48 hour promises about not harming yourself. Obviously we all want to be reassured that the person we care about won't harm themselves ever, but to a person in the darkness, it is virtually impossible to make such a blanket promise. Thus, there is the 48 hour rule. When you are in the shit, make a promise to not do anything for 48 hours. It is a short time frame that is manageable.

I felt the need to have someone outside of my wife to talk to about this stuff now and when I am going though it. Accountabilibuddy is what those hip assholes call it. I call it a dependable friend. I reached out last night to my good friend Brooke who I worked with a long time ago but we still maintain close contact. I consider her a really good friend. We have always just connected on pretty much every level. She knows my wife but isn't friends per se which I think is important. I wanted someone impartial and won't interfere with the relationship they have with my spouse. It felt really good to talk to Brooke. Turns out, she lost an uncle to suicide years back so she gets it. I just told her that I need someone to listen, not judge and just talk me down if I need it. She was more than willing to be that person. As I initially stated, I have a really good support structure. However, it is really scary to let others in and expose them to your thoughts. I guess this just tests the strength of our friendship and so far - it appears the trusses are all still in tact. I made the 48 hour promise to both my wife and Brooke.

Song of the day - Go It Alone - Jason Isbell 

"It's realizing just how close you've come to death, and rearranging accordingly."