I know how you feel.....

So i figured I was probably due for an update here. I know I have been radio silent on here for awhile. Truth is, things are going pretty well right now and the last thing I think of is to journal when things are going well. However, one thing I wanted to mention that has been bothering me. I really appreciate those people that check in with me, talk about it, and try to relate. We as humans have a need to relate and sometimes the best we can say is "I know how you feel" in hopes of bridging the gap between us and them and let them know they arent alone and we understand. We say this mostly in times of hardships (deaths, illnesses, depression etc). I hear it a lot. "I know how you feel" or "I know what it is like." In actuality, you probably don't.  I appreciate the sentiment and the attempt to help me minimize my feelings and appear relate-able, (I really do) but depression is not the average bad-day blues... far from actually. I am looking at my life, re-evaluating it and contemplating ending it. I see everyday objects as a potential way out. I can't get out of myself and my head. We all process feelings and emotions differently. No one likes being told "I know how it feels" when they lose someone they love. We all hate that because they don't. They don't understand the relationship we had, they don't understand me and what they meant to me and how I process grief. You don't know, you probably think you know but those are your feelings, not mine and how I manage them is not how you would.

Please don't take this as me being an inconsiderate asshole or whatever. I mean this as genuinely as you mean your statement. Just listen. No need to relate it to yourself or your life, that wont do anything for me. If you dont know what to say or do, just listen and be there. Ask simple questions. Offer to go out for coffee. Simple things like that. I will open up to you when I am ready. Just listen and be there.

The 5 things I lost from surviving a suicide attempt

I have had major depression for the majority of my life. I am now on the verge of 38, married for over a dozen years, two awesome kids, been hospitalized for my depression and have attempted to take my own life. I thought that after my attempt I would have a revitalized spirit for life and being alive, but that wasn't the case. I thought I would gain some sense of purpose or have some wild existential beliefs.. but alas... here I am... still depressed. Even though I didn't lose my life, I still lost numerous things as a result of my attempt.

1) I lost the trust of my family. I can no longer have a bad day without getting a leering eye that there is something more to it. They don't trust me with pills. They don't trust me to be alone for extended amounts of time. They don't trust me when I tell them I am going to be ok. They don't trust me when I say "I won't do it again." I have lost their trust.

2) I lost faith in myself - I never thought I would go to that extreme. I always thought I was stronger than that. Suicide has always been a solution in my mind but it was a line that I never thought that I would cross. I always thought I had enough coping skills to manage it on my own. I thought they were just intrusive thoughts that I would NEVER act on. I feel in a sense, I let myself down. I don't trust myself anymore now

3) I lost time - when you attempt to take your life and you survive, life doesn't just go on when you wake up. There is a lot of work on the backend of an attempt. Time, in essence, freezes for you and you try and determine how you got there, you take time to develop how you are going to move forward. The world continues to spin. But now things are different for me and I need to rearrange accordingly. I lost precious time with my kids. I missed shopping for kindergarten supplies with my son for his first day of school because I was in treatment. I missed important family time when my aunt passed away because I was trying to put the pieces back together. I missed mornings with my family. I missed meetings at work because I was at dr. appointments. Some are more mundane and some are important, but there still is time that I lost that I will never get back. 

4) I lost friends - Everyone appears to try and be supportive and for that I am very grateful. However, and understandably so, it was too much for some people to digest and accept. While some were concerned and leaning in to help and be there for me, others, were walking away, seemingly too much for them to internalize or accept. I don't know how they perceive me now and I wish I could tell them that I am still me but I can't expect everyone to understand. They have since moved on but I still think about them 

5) I lost perspective - I used to have a good idea on what was important in life and have priorities and perspective. All of that has changed. I used to prioritize family, work, music, my dogs etc. Now... I don't know what is important. The focus is day-to-day. None of the big stuff carries the same weight as it used to. Work has become a necessary evil that I struggle to find motivation and energy to put  any considerable effort into. Family has become a repetitious chore that I mindlessly go through the motions to get the kids off to school and in bed. My dogs have been neglected - don't remember the last time they got a good walk out of me. Everyday I have imagine how what I am currently doing would be different had I completed suicide. How would things be different?  Life feels like it is a blur and I don't know how to get back to life before.


I am very grateful that my attempt was not successful. I truly did gain an appreciation for little things in life and I can honestly say I am happy to be here. I hope to never be in that dark place again and since my attempt I have been seeing a therapist 2x a month,  my psychiatrist monthly and attending a support group every week - this keeps me focused on my recovery and my own mental wellness.

I may have lost a lot from my attempt, but I didn't lose what was most important.

Stomp Out Suicide

A few weeks ago I did the Stomp Out Suicide 5K. I raised over $2,500 for the cause and had a team of about 15 people attend the event. It felt incredible yet sad. My best friend Rick from Illinois and his wife and 2 kids came up on short notice to participate. I haven't seen him in almost 3 years. It was so wonderful to see him. I miss him. We both went through a major bout of depression together when we were 17. It meant the world that they took time out of their life to come and support me. My good friend Eric came down from Roseau Minnesota. Some of my best friends locally joined as well. I truly felt loved and supported - which was awesome because when I was going through my relapse in 2017, I didnt feel supported except for my wife and parents. The outpouring of encouraging words, financial donations and good vibes was not unnoticed and had a very positive and profound effect on me.

It was about an hour away in Wyoming Minnesota. We got in the car with my dad and our 2 kids (ages 6 and 2) and set off for Wyoming. When we approached the park it was in, the area had a very small town feel. Not very corporate and a lot of frontage roads that would lead you to your local gas station. We turn the corner towards the event and there are cars everywhere! Both sides of the road and signs directing you where to go. We drove what seemed like an extra mile or so just to find a parking spot in a field somewhere. I was surprised at how many cars were there. I guess I didnt know what to expect but I was extremely surprised. We got out of the car and walked a good mile to the event meeting up with my friend Jackie along the way. When we arrived, there were people everywhere. Estimates were around 1,800 people. I felt this warm sensation in my heart and felt good that so many people were acknowledging this epidemic and here to do something about it! What stigma right?! But then you start to put things together and start realizing that ALL of these people have been impacted by someones suicide. The chain of impact and how many people are deeply affected by one persons actions is scary and frankly sad. The majority of the people who took their own life (90%) most likely had a mental illness. At some point, these people probably felt alone, worthless, and meaningless without anyone caring about them. This was a picture of quite the opposite. If only they knew now what they meant.

I ran into my friend PT who runs the #Livin foundation and was the emcee. He is a fantastic guy who lives and breathes fighting the mental illness stigma and suicide prevention. His energy and passion for the cause is very contagious and infectious. I would like to become more involved with #livin if time allows. He is doing some wonderful things and I feel the calling to become involved in some organization but I haven't decided if it would be Livin, NAMI or Face It.... or maybe my own?

We all lined up after we got our shirts and waited for the start of the race. The majority of us walked it - one friend of mine, Morgan, ran it. The walk itself was very cathartic and empowering. I could feel the sense of community and purpose during the walk. Even though my daughter was being a pill and making it difficult to stay focused and participate, it is all a part of life that we have to learn to love.  It wasn't very challenging or difficult overall. It was actually really nice. It was gorgeous out and I had some of my best friends there to chat with so it was a great day. But in the back of your head, I knew why I was there.

I was there to help ensure that there are services provided for those that need it... so others don't get into the same place I was... and if they did, there would be help to get them out of it. I was there because I might need the services later. My family might need it. I came very close to ending my own life. I came close to not being there for the walk. I came close to not experiencing the happiness, joy and love I did on that day. Looking back, it scares me. How one can slip out of your own mind and be controlled by something intangible yet so powerful.  I was there to tell Suicide that I am better and stronger than it. I am bigger than it. I can do something about it. I can conquer it and I have a community and family that has my back.

At the end of the 5K, we all gathered around the stage and listened to the keynote by a singer from The Voice Kat Perkins. She sang a song called "You are not alone" and in the middle of it, we all let go of the balloons we were holding. Just picture thousands of balloons. It was incredibly moving. You couldn't help but think of all the people lost to suicide and the balloons representing them.

Overall it was a really moving and good time. Sad to see how many people are affected by it. I am working everyday to stay on this side of things but it is difficult but having the support of my family and friends on this day is something I can look back on and appreciate in desperate times.

My story

I was asked by Faceit to tell my story at the monthly breakfast. It was great to tell my story and hopefully inspire others. Below the is story I told:

I guess I have had depression ever since I was in my teens. The thing is, I was raised in a very stable family. They were and are still very supportive and I have no history of trauma or abuse. I remember being 15 and just being sad for no reason and having a really low self-esteem then 16 came along and so did the suicidal thoughts. I tried to mask my depression with drugs and alcohol. It worked for a little bit but my grades suffered severely. When I was 16 I had a suicide pact with my best friend. We had planned to kill ourselves together. You see there was this big hill by my house that you could oversee the city and into Minneapolis from it. It was my favorite place to bring girls…. We both decided that was the place we wanted to die. We both scrounged up all the pain killers we could find in our house and each had a bottle of sleeping pills. We waited for a night when our parents were gone to do it. As he was leaving his house to meet me at the hill, his mom came home unexpectedly. So that put a halt on our plans. We decided it was probably best if we did it on our own. So one night, I took all the pain medication I could find and the last of the sleeping pills (13 sleeping pills I recall) I wrote a note to my family, placed it under my pillow and laid down for a final sleep. Well obviously I woke up. I was pissed… and felt like crap It was a gut rot I cannot explain. It was miserable. I couldn’t really do anything for a few days. I didn’t tell my parents what I had done. They still don’t know to this day. After a few days the pain went away. I was still depressed and even more depressed now that I was still alive. Being depressed sucks. You are constantly tired and even on the days you want to feel happy and good, you can’t force yourself to. I realized that I had enough feeling like crap I asked my parents for help and they got me to a psychologist and a psychiatrist. From there I was prescribed Prozac. After a few weeks, things got much better. I still struggled in school but I was staying away from drugs and alcohol and wasn’t depressed.

I graduated high school and that following year, I wanted to move off of Prozac. I did fairly well off of it. At that time I thought my depression was just a part of the tumultuous teenage years and hormones etc. I was living a decent life off of it. I was going to college and excelling – for once in my life! However, I hit 26 and all of a sudden I started to get very anxious about social settings. I became very recluse and avoided people at all costs. I just wanted to be by myself. It didn’t feel like depression but it had some similarities. After my wife mentioned something to me and encouraged me to get help, I went and saw my Dr and they put me back on Prozac. After a few weeks, I started to feel normal again. Becoming more social, going to concerts etc. That depression can be tricky… this time it manifested itself as anxiety.

Fast forward to 2017. I have been married now for 11 years, have 2 kids, have a good paying job, I have a great house in the suburbs, 2 incredible dogs. Life. Is. Good. But little did I know… the bottom was about the drop out…. I start to become dissatisfied with elements of life. The old thoughts start slowly creeping back into my head.  I can’t put my finger on it, but something isn’t right. It can’t be my depression coming back as I take my meds religiously! It must be my job…. Or my marriage… or my kids. Whatever it is, I don’t want any of it anymore. I just want out. I start having crying bouts in the bathroom at work. I lack all motivation – I want to sleep all day. I call in sick just to sleep. I have suicidal thoughts constantly. Looking out the windows of my office building thinking of jumping, going to buy a gun, running my car into a bridge, take an OD on pills. Whatever it takes to leave this world. I try and change my mindset and think my way out of this…. So I thought about my kids and wife. Eff it… my kids are better off without me. They will get a nice life insurance policy from my employer, our house and debt will be paid off and have a nice savings nugget for college. They will all be better off.  I remember my daughter running up to me when I came home one day with her arms open yelling “DADDY!” This should have had an effect on me but I didn’t feel anything. Nothing.

I have anger and resentment this time. It isn’t just sadness. Where is this coming from? What is the catalyst to this?  I take aim at my wife. It has to be her. I am convinced that things have changed. I actually tell her that I don’t love her anymore. This crushes her heart and to this day, I would give anything to have those words back. She storms out of the room and we separate for the night. I remember crying on the couch thinking this is as good as time as any to die. The next morning she can tell something is wrong with me she comes to me and says “whatever you are going though, I am here to support you.” At that moment I realized, it isn’t her… it is ME. That depression demon is back! God how could I be so oblivious to it! We talk and I tell her that I have been having major suicidal thoughts and plans and that my depression is back. The guilt we both feel about not recognizing it is massive. We both have experienced depression in the past, how did we both miss this?  Leading up to this, there was irregular behavior on my part – extravagant spending, confusing and weird speak from me, being distant to her and the kids… things that she wish she had picked up on.

From there, life went on pause. I got an urgent appointment with a psychiatrist and a therapist. They started the intake process of getting me into the hospitalization program at Regions. I honestly don’t remember a whole lot from those days. It all blurs together and it is hard to think about. Turns out after about 10-12 years, Prozac can just stop working. I was in my 11^th year on it.

It has been almost a year since my discharge from Regions. I am in a much better place now. After a lot of emotional and mental work I feel stable.  I learned a lot there that I still employ to battle my depression. They give you an entire arsenal of tools and you just find the ones that work best for you. Getting back to reality was more difficult than I had anticipated. I still face the battles but try not to let it lead me down the dark abyss of depression

Throughout this ordeal – I have learned 3 major things about recovery –

1)      Recovery is not linear – it goes up, down, sideways, backwards etc. and that is OK. It may seem like 2 steps forward and 3 steps back but you are learning how to make steps forward and soon those steps forward will become more permanent.

2)      Recovery is Multifaceted – Recovery (to me) isn’t just about popping pills and hoping for the best. It is staying vigilant on my recovery. Even on the nights that I feel really good and don’t think I need to go to Faceit and deal with Dan again, I do it. I do it because it keeps recovery at the forefront of my mind and focused on it. It reminds me that I still do have this disease and I need to work on it, every day. So medication, support groups, talk therapy and music are the four legs of my recovery foundation. I want to attack this from multiple levels and find new ways and methods of coping. I don’t know if I will ever be cured from this but I have a good support system and structure to help me lead a semi-normal life.

3)      Patience and Persistence – Recovery isn’t possible without being patient and persistent. Unfortunately, recovery from a severe mental health crisis doesn’t happen overnight. It can take time for our body and mind to adjust and heal. I have to constantly remind myself of this. My mind is relearning how to work and I am teaching myself how to cope. It takes time. Being patient with mental illness is a major struggle. When in the darkness, you never can imagine life outside of it and can’t imagine things getting better, but it can get better. It just takes time.  I know not everyone is a proponent of medication. It has worked wonders for me but I know it is not for everybody. Those 3 months of waiting to see if a medication is going to work is awful and can increase the anxiety. Playing craps with different meds is frustrating and irritating but I am at a point now where I feel stable with the meds I am on and I am thankful that I was persistent in finding a combination that worked for me and didn’t give up after one didn’t work.

Time for an update

It has been a while since I have posted an update. Things have been going fairly well lately. I have been keeping up with my meds, going to group, seeing my therapist etc. Doing everything that I said I would do. I am adding 2 new things into my recovery process. I am adding an exercise element. Just to get me off my ass. Hit the gym a few times a week and take the dogs for more walks. I need it and they need it so that should be good. I also joined another support group. This one is put on by NAMI. Probably a little more formal than the FaceIt one I go to. I like Faceit but I dont feel like I am getting a whole lot out of it. Not many people talk much and it ends up kind of boring. I feel like I am able to help others but I am not getting anything in return if that makes sense. I like the guys that run it and believe in their mission. I just dont know how much I am benefitting from it. So maybe by attending the NAMI one I will be able to compare and get something out of it. We will see.

Things with my wife are getting better. We had some issues the past week. One of my friends got married and asked me to be in the wedding as the Best man. I obliged as that is something you don't say no to. I don't see us as being THAT close but I wanted to be there for him. This is his second marriage and he met his new wife while he was still married to his 1st wife and my wife is adamant that he cheated on her and so she doesn't support the marriage at all. I agree that cheating is not right but their marriage was dead anyway and he is incredibly happy now and married her so whatever. The wedding was adult only (no kids) so this was the perfect reason for her to miss the wedding. It felt really weird without her there and doing it stag. I got tired of deflecting on why Jessica wasnt there. I really wish she would have gone and supported me and spent time with me. It would have been a great date night either way.

Thats it for now.

A day in the life of the depressed mind

I wake up around 5am and go let the dogs out. It is still too early to be up up so I lay on the couch and try and go back to sleep. I can as the couch has Legos, a random spoon, a blanket with old milk dried on it, and the cushions wont stay in place. So I go upstairs back to my bed. I lay there with a dog at my feet. I wonder if she knows what I am feeling or thinking. Either way - she knows I am not feeling great. I close my eyes and imagine where I could go to easily, quickly and painlessly take my own life. This makes me feel calm and I am able to shut my eyes and rest for another hour before I have to get up. I imagine a place like the back of a hospital or the side of a funeral home. You know, someplace to make it easy for all parties involved. I have looked up the price of Crime Scene cleanup crews - that is not a burden I would like to leave with my family. I would probably call the police before I did it so they could find me quickly and notify my family. All these thoughts help me get some much needed sleep. I get up about an hour later and shuffle my way into the bathroom. I begrudgingly get in the shower and let the water wake me up a little bit. I look over and see my tattoo that says "How we survive is what makes us who we are." I am hit with a little bit of inspiration and motivation for the day. Just enough to get my showerly duties completed and get dressed. After I am dressed I try and find something to eat but usually can only find a dying banana and the bottom 8th of a gallon of milk which should have been thrown out days ago. I head upstairs brush my teeth and take out my pills for the day. 300mgs of WellButrin and 40mgs of Lexapro. That should do it today! Primp my hair and I am ready for the day. I get the kids in the car and shuttle them off to day care where I am told stories about Pokemon and Nerf guns. I try to drown them out with the talk radio but they always seem to talk louder. Once the kids are dropped off I head into work. I start driving and turn on some music to get me in a good mood. A guy cuts me off and I resist the urge to give him the finger. I stop at a light to turn left. I see a semi coming and wonder if I would die on impact if the truck T-boned me? Whoa - cant think about that now. I have a job to go to. I find a more uplifting song to listen to. I get to work and park my car. I sit in my car for a minute just to mentally prepare. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. My job isnt that stressful, I just dont like it that much and want to stay calm and positive. I arrive at my desk. The office is really quiet. The culture here sucks. No one really talks to each other. I am not greated with any "Good mornings" or anything like that. Just silence. I sit down and boot up. While my computer boots up I peruse my social media feeds on my phone. I like a few things, read a few things. Just get a quick glance into the world that is today. I get booted up and start working... which just involves emails and more emails. I look out the window at the bustling morning traffic on 494. It looks much cooler from afar than actually being in it. It quickly crosses my mind about what kind of glass is this? How thick is it? I could probably break it if I jumped through it right? How far of fall would that be? Oh a new email! I refocus on my work. I put in my headphones as the guy across from me wont stop hacking. I have a friend IM me asking me how I am doing. This is tricky.... how am I doing as a normal nicety? or does she really mean how am I doing? Hmmm.... well I guess it doesnt matter because I am going to answer it the same way. "I am doing ok today... how about you?" (whew dodged that bullet) I move on and then I start to think.... hmm how am I doing really? I feel pretty good. I am moderately happy...could I be happier? Sure who couldn't? So I move on. Next thing I get an email reminding me I have support group tonight. I start to think... should I really go? I don't need it. I would rather just go home and lay on the couch and watch Impractical Jokers reruns while the kids play outside. No i should really go. I like the group and it gets me out of the house. OK so I am going to group. Ahh fuck... that means I have to deal with traffic. Dammit. Maybe I will leave early to avoid it and go hang out. Either way, it will give me some alone time.

Lunch time comes. Finally! I wait until everyone else has gone and then go downstairs by myself. I like to avoid work conversations and the forced chit-chat. Just let me eat. I grab something real quick and head back to my desk hoping to not be spotted by the few friendly coworkers that I do have. After lunch I head to my staff meeting. It is with my boss and 2 other co workers. We sit around and talk about what is going on and just an informal touchbase. I envision how the meeting would go if he had to tell the others that I took my own life. What would he say? How would he say it? How would they react? Would they react? To me these are normal thoughts.... are they not? I go back to my desk and work/surf the internet for a few more hours then head up to my group. Traffic is at a standstill. I turn on the comedy station to help my mind wander away from the frustration. I am going to be late. I know it is going to be ok but I still HATE being late. I end up getting to my group 2 minutes before the start. I chat with some of the guys and grab a cookie. We have a good meeting. It is a bunch of dudes that are depressed like me and just need a place to talk about it. We talk about triggers, check ins, things that help, things that dont, suicide, medications, meditation, sleep, sex, wives, childhood. We chat about it all. The two hours go by quick. I get into my car and head home. There is no traffic and I turn up my music and enjoy the next hour drive by myself. I reflect on the day thinking "today wasnt too bad." I am not excited for tomorrow but I have learned to just work with today. I get home and say hi to my wife and dogs. Watch a little TV, have some ice cream and then go upstairs and lay in bed. I meditate for 20 minutes to relax and free my mind up. I do some deep breathing try to focus on getting to sleep. I toss and turn for a little bit. Within 20 minutes I am asleep and I am on my way to doing the day all over again.

Random thoughts on suicide

There has been a lot of press lately on suicide with the high profile suicides lately. Also, last week, my friend's father committed suicide at age 66. With everything in the media, it has really brought it to the forefront of my mind. My mind has been swirling lately. Just watching the devastation that suicide causes and the ripple effect it has on so many people. It truly gives me perspective on it and helps me get a better understanding of it and in some way, acts as a deterrent. It may sound weird, but they always tell you to think about your family when you are going through depression and contemplating suicide or having ideations. I have been there. Thinking about your family doesn't do much. It can actually have the opposite effect. I remember thinking and believing that my family would actually be better off without me around. This is the way that depression lies to us and our brains. Being on the outside and in a good place mentally, I can start to delve into and digest peoples stories of grieving. Hopefully I can recall these narratives and stories when I am in a dark place.

The other day, after the 2 high profile suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, my friend's father hanged himself at 66 years of age. Turns out my friends father had struggled a long time with substance abuse and mental issues. They had been trying to get help for him and trying different programs, doctors and treatment strategies. I guess things just didnt work and he decided to end his life. I cannot blame him for what he did. I have been there. I know how it feels. On some strange level, I am a little jealous. His pain and depression is now over.  He is at peace. He will never face the reality of another relapse, never have to talk to another dr, shrink, therapist about his issues, feelings. He will never feel judged again. He will never have to try a new medication and see if it works, never wake up fearing to face the day again. There is something about that that makes me feel content for him. I also feel that with more help or the right medication and support, he could have made it through this and gotten to this side of happiness. I am very happy that I never completed the act of suicide even though I wanted to at the time.


At the same time - I feel scared. I feel very scared. I fear that this will be a demon that I will continue to face for the rest of my life. I think I always knew it would be but facing the reality of it strikes a chord within me. I will ALWAYS have to monitor my mental health and stability. I will most likely always been in some sort of counseling, therapy or support group to work through this. I will be on medication potentially as well. You hear these stories of older people (+50) taking their own life and I just wonder if that is my fate? All I can say is that I am trying everything I can to prevent another relapse and follow through on all my recovery and I guess right now, that is all I can do.

So where do we go from here? The more I get involved into suicide prevention causes and care, the more I feel I can help. It is a passion of mine and I want to help others understand that help is available and it is possible to feel better and that it quite possibly is only a temporary emotion you are facing. I am looking into volunteering at NAMI this year and maybe telling my story to others. I feel I could help. So that is what I am going to do. Help in this battle and cause. I feel for once in my life I could actually do some good.

Tapering and moving forward

I have been tapering off my Prozac and taking Lexapro instead. My appetite is decreasing and I have lost 5 pounds since I dropped the Prozac. I am feeling more active and maybe a little more happy but it is was too soon to call this the right mix.I guess only time will tell.
The fallout from my drug-stashing-confession has died a little. My wife is holding on to my meds and regularly checking that I am taking them and amounts are there. I don't anticipate this going on for a long time but it feels good to know she cares and is checking on it.  It does kind of feel like she is being my keeper but I think on some level I need that and appreciate it. I have my next appointment with my therapist in a week and she invited Jessica to come with so we can talk about what has transpired and how do we move forward, how should Jessica deal with this and possibly dig deeper into the significance and meaning of it. I am not too sure what to make of it and what to expect but I really like my therapist and think it can only be for the best.

Speaking of therapy, Jessica and I are starting back at marriage counseling in a few weeks. We are going back to address what has all transpired between us and really focus on how we move forward. We have made some significant progress in our relationship but there are some wounds that need to be addressed and other. Since my breakdown was most likely the catalyst for the marriage discontentment - I have moved past that for the most part with some wafting here and there and the feelings I was having before are no longer there. Looking  back, I didn't want anything back then. I have since realized the strength of our relationship and all the sacrifices and effort my wife put into my recovery and it helped tremendously. I will never understand the level of love and care she has for me in order to do everything she did and still does to aid in my recovery. I am truly lucky and blessed to have her. I know her well enough to expect nothing less but my therapist keeps reminding me of how good I have got it. I just wish there was a way that I could adequately and appropriately thank her. I guess focusing on recovery and pushing forward is probably the best thing. 

I had the opportunity to run my men's support group this week. I have been going to this Depressed Men's support group for about 6 months now. I really like it. It gives me a chance to hear how other guys in the same situation deal with their depression but also share my experiences and what I have learned. The leader of the group was out of town and instead of cancelling it, he asked me to lead it. I was a little shocked, a little scared, a little flattered and a little excited. I have wanted to be more active in helping others with their struggles and use my story to potentially help others with theirs. Only about half the group showed up so it was a good starting point for me - took some of the pressure off. It came pretty easy for me to lead the group and just keep the conversation going and getting others to participate. I think I did a fairly decent job. Next time I will probably bring a list of topics to talk about just in case of the dreaded silence. I am happy they gave me the opportunity and I enjoyed it. I could see myself getting more involved with the foundation. 

Well..... I think that is all for now. I know it is a lot and more to come. I am trying to blog more often so we will see how this goes. I am in my living room right now and the kids are playing and I am just sitting here typing away. Sometimes life can be ok, we just need to stop and embrace it and remember that. 

Song of the day - The Best that I Can - Emerson Hart

"If you're reading this then I am long gone. Wish I had the strength to prove you wrong."

Staring at the face of a faceless thing

So... a lot has transpired over the last few days. I was honest with my wife about not taking my pills all the time and that opened up a huge can of worms. I haven't really told anyone this but I have been stock piling the pills I don't take and keep them as a sort of "safety net".... meaning that if push comes to shove, I have an out in overdosing and dying. I have a good month worth of pills. Who knows if that is even enough to get the job done but to me it was comforting knowing there was something there if I needed a way out. After I told my wife that, she insisted I tell my therapist. Fortunately, I had an appointment with her today and so I told her and that opened up more questions and concerns. Why didn't I tell anyone? Why did I feel the need to do this? There are more (and easier/better) ways to kill oneself so what is it about this way that is attractive? I wish I had answers to this. The only answer I have is that suicide has always been a solution to me. It has always been in my head as a way out. Sometimes it is the first response, sometimes it is a last resort. But for as long as I can remember, it has been in my brain as an option. So I don't know. I guess I didn't want to tell anyone as it was just my little secret not that I was ever planning on doing it. It was just my little safety net. Why should I tell people... just so they can be more worried about me? I know I am not a threat to myself and wasn't in danger so I didn't feel it was necessary to tell anyone.It didn't feel like a genuine threat to my well-being. I guess I was wrong. Now I am siting her trying to debrief all these feelings and questions. I think I have broken some trust with my wife. I can understand why too. I don't blame her. I cant imagine what it is like hearing your partner keep talking about suicide and wanting to die. I just wish she could be in my mind to know how it feels and get a better understanding of how my mind works. I think that is what everyone wants because it is something we will never understand or be able to do.

Along with that, I actually changed all my meds. I finally got off Prozac and Abilify. I am now on Lexapro and Wellbutrin. It was about time to get off of Prozac. That and Abilify both have weight gaining properties to it so maybe I will lose some of this weight too not that I am really concerned about it. I will deal with that when the time is right. I have been on Prozac for 12 + years. It was time to try something new I am a little nervous to see how it goes but excited to see if it does work. I want to be good/happy again. I miss it. I miss having energy and being able to sleep and smile. I will keep the blog updated as I start this new medication adventure!

Song of the day - Hurricane - Emerson Hart

"I've learned not to touch what I love Everything that I touch will get burned. "

March Snowstorm post

I am sitting here in my living room, watching the snow bury us outside, my kids and wife in the other room playing, Rise Against playing and just sitting here thinking. It has been a long time since I sat down and journaled and right now felt just right. I come to this post with a guilty conscience. I have to let it out somewhere so here is where it is going to live. Over the past 2 months, I have NOT been as regular on my meds as I should be. I have been going off of them for a week or so on purpose to see what effect it has on me. Basically I feel like I am testing my recovery.... are the meds really working or is a placebo? Also, I wanted to see the effect it had on my appetite (both for food and sex....not together). My desire for sex shot up when I was off my meds and I slept better, I wasn't waking up in the middle of the night either. It was really nice. But I did find myself getting in a funk easily and having a short fuse. My energy level was ok. Since I was sleeping better, I wasn't as tired. It was an interesting thing to do but way to risky I know and I need to just get back on being regular on the meds. I think I will bring it up to my Psychiatrist the next appointment I have with her.

Last week I had a friend from treatment reach out to me and tell me she was in a bad spot. Very suicidal and felt alone and scared. We ended up talking until about 3 am that night just texting through things like her feelings and how to cope with them. One thing you should know about me is that if I won the lottery and didn't have to work, I would dedicate all my time to helping people with suicide prevention and talking them through their crisis. So I felt, here is my chance to jump right in and give it a go. She is a good friend who has always been there for me. We usually check in with each other regularly and make sure we are good. MAN was this draining. Everything I told her to try and do was falling short and not working. I felt compelled to help her. So I dug deep. I felt like an actor... I got myself into character and tried to get into the depressed mindset to remember what it is like so I could think of what else would work to get her out of it. It only took a few minutes for me to sink in to the abyss. I got in deep. I put myself in the mindset and could feel myself mentally digging into the darkness.  I started to feel depressed and desperate again and it didnt feel good but I kept going. I remember hitting it and amazed at how fast I could get there. My mentality changed quickly. I was alone, it was dark - it was perfect to drag myself into the abyss. As quickly as it took for me to get into it - It took a good 2 days to get up out of it. It hasn't deterred me away from doing what I want to do, I just need more training on how to deal with it and not "swim too far without a line" as my psychologist said. At the end, my friend was ok. She is getting the help she needs and adjusting meds and working through things which is good. It was a scary time for me. Moreso that I allowed myself to get dragged into the dark depression that quickly. I thought I kept it more guarded but apparently not. It was a good representation of how far I have come though too. It took some time for me to get to that place that I used to be at daily - so that is a good thing and a good show of progress. I still want to help people so this was a good test and a Good lesson to be learned.

2 days ago I got my second tattoo. This one is on my right forearm and says In Hope with the kids birthdates in Roman Numerals below it. It is based off a Boysetsfire song about hoping the best for your kids and doing everything to guard them from experiencing what you yourself have gone through. Mine is very depression based. Knowing that my wife and I both have depression, our kids are fucked so I want to make sure I remind myself to teach them and guide them how to deal with feelings of despair and depression in their life. I am really happy with the way it turned out.  I have a few more tattoos planned but I think I am going to wait awhile now. Having both my forearms with tattoos, I think is quite the change for one year. Although they are addicting. I have the next 4 planned out in my mind already.

Song of the day - If It Takes a Lifetime - Jason Isbell

"I thought that I was running to but I was running from. "

Work Schmirk

I am sitting here at my desk trying to avoid doing work. Avoiding work is something I am really good at. I have mastered that craft here at the bank. Now, it didn't just come to me overnight - I had to work at it and practice! Although, I really don't know what I would do if I actually wanted to work. Things here are very weird. Everyone acts really busy but nothing ever really gets done. I don't know what that is all about so I just figured I would journal for the day. Things have been going OK. Nothing major to write about on the depression front. The new dosage of Abilify seems to be working well. I am getting my desire back so that is awesome... now if I could just have an outlet for it that would be great. I sat down with my boss the other day and wanted to know if he has noticed any changes in me. It has been a good 4 months since I came out of treatment. Admittedly now, I came back to work sooner than I should have. I felt I was ready but looking back, I needed more time to just digest everything I learned and took in in treatment. Like I said, I am 4 months out and just starting to feel like the new normal is finally setting in. I guess I am just lucky that my family and my work has stayed by my side the whole time. Back to the convo with my boss - he says that the last month has been really good and he has seen a lot of improvement from me and my dedication to the job. That was good to hear but I honestly don't know how committed and dedicated I am to the job and the company. I can't foresee myself being a banker long term but I will take the benefits they give me and use them to get my life in order and maintain my current lifestyle until something else comes along. So things at home are getting better, things at work are finally getting better and I am feeling better. This is a good start to the year!

If not now....when?

Here I am a couple weeks into 2018. Things are going ok. Not great and not horrible. Like I told my Psychiatrist, I feel just content. Content with life. The thing is, I dont know if that is acceptable or not. I guess I need to figure out what is acceptable and what isnt. What level do I want to be at? I am pretty sure I don't want to be buried in just content. I can do better. I have been on both sides of contentment and I miss the positive side. That being said, we adjusted my medications again. We doubled my Abilify dosage. We will see what that does. I am really concerned because since I started Abilify I have gained almost 45 pounds. It is just so uncomfortable and irritating. I did some research and found out that this is a major side effect that people complain about. People usually gain 50 lbs on it. Ugg... this is not what I needed. I have been trying to exercise more and eat less/more healthy but it is hard when you are constantly hungry. Waking up in the middle of the night starving has probably been a huge contributor to the weight gain. I just keep telling myself that this is only temporary and I can get the weight to go away later.... I think my weight gain also serves as a discouragement for others who want to get help. I have a friend who probably should go on medication for her anxiety and depression but she is so scared of gaining weight that she refuses. I will say that yes gaining the weight sucks but not feeling like I want to die everyday is a fair trade off I feel!

I had a therapy appointment the other day with my psychologist Emily. I really like her. She is very direct and makes me really think about my recovery and life in different ways. We started talking about going back to couples therapy. Here is the deal - I know that there is a lot of stuff Jessica and I still need to work through but I just don't know if I am ready. I look back at those moments and that time in my life and I am embarrassed for what I said, what I did etc. That wasn't me. I didn't want to be with my wife, I didn't want my kids, I didn't want my job and I didn't want to be alive so I feel like a lot of that cannot be held against me and is very difficult and embarrassing to go back and face. I look at that time as a dark time and I don't want to go back, My whole goal in recovery is to continually move forward and I am frightened of going back into those times so soon and trying to make sense of them. I know it is only fair and I owe it to my wife but I just don't feel like know is the right time. But when is the right time? Next month? Next year? 5 years from now? If not now... when?

Song of the day - Burn Away - Nathan Gray

"After all the death I have dodged to get to where I am, I've come out smiling in the end. "

This will be my year

By all accounts - 2017 was not my best year.... ok so it fucking sucked. It was one of my worst years. I almost lost my marriage, I lost my sanity, I almost lost my life, I lost some family and friends, I lost my faith, I lost my wife's trust, I ended up taking a leave from work to overcome my depression. I really don't know how the year could have gone worse. But, here I am, on New Years Eve, alive and writing this blog entry. I didn't think I would be here but I am.... and I am happy about it.... I think. It has been such a roller coaster. I honestly don't know what to think. It has been 3 months since I got out of my hospitalization program. I feel I have made some good progress but still a lot to go. Not only for my own recovery but there are a lot of wounds that need to be healed for both me and my wife. I am not 100% sure I am ready to take that on right now. I am not saying it isn't important or a priority, I just don't know if I have the emotional bandwidth and capacity to pile that on but it needs to happen sooner or later. Maybe it is like the concept of having kids, you never feel you are ready until you are in it... so maybe I won't ever be ready to delve into the abyss of healing until I get there. To be honest, I haven't been so great with my recovery. I have been doing a little meditation but that is about it. I am trying to get back into the gym and get an exercise program going. I am starting to read more about mindfulness and how to incorporate it into my life, but right now I am just at the input stage and not actually implementing it into my life - that is next.

I have been trying to think of what I can do in 2018 to better my life, my marriage and my kids' lives. I am not entirely sure how I am going to do it but I need to. First off, for myself, I am going to continue with my plan of therapy e/o week, group on the off weeks and meeting with my P-Doc once a month. That really seems to keep me focused and give the proper attention to recovery. But after that.. what else can I do? I need to really find time to digest and invest. Digest the info that I am getting from support group, my therapist and my Psychiatrist. Really take the time to think it through and attempt to understand and then invest in myself and those parts. Take what they are saying to heart and put them to practice in my life. Easier said than done. I think I need to start taking notes at my therapy sessions so I can remember what all we talked about and things I can work on and do.

I think a big thing I can do is keep working out and eating better. Sure everyone says that but I think it could have a very big impact on me. It is just hard when my medication makes me incredibly hungry all the time, it is hard to eat right and sensibly. Part of me just wants to say "fuck it" Lets get this depression shit under control and then we will worry about physical exercise and losing weight but I am afraid they probably go hand in hand. I don't  know how to jump start it. I can't seem to jump right in. I am trying to just ease in and do the gym 3x a week and do basic cardio shit. That seems to be ok but I need to get it on the calendar or have set nights that I do it so there is no question what I am doing and it is already set aside. Or maybe i just continue to write about it and don't do a fucking thing about it.... I guess the choice is mine at the end of the day.

So here is to 2018. The year of figuring shit out. Figuring out my recovery, figuring out finances, figuring out my job, figuring out life in general. 2017, I am done with you. I am looking back at you with a few lessons that were learned but for the most part, I look at you with disdain. I dont think I could handle another 2017 so 2018 has to be relatively good considering. I have to think of what I am going to call my breakdown.... maybe that is it. Just a major fucking breakdown into the abyss of deep depression. God it fuckin sucks there and it feels good to be out of it so why do I miss it a little bit?

Today has been a good day. I am feeling good and hope to stay this way.

Song of the day - This Will be My Year - Semisonic

"Then you tell yourself, what you want to hear, because you have to believe, this will be my year."