If not now....when?

Here I am a couple weeks into 2018. Things are going ok. Not great and not horrible. Like I told my Psychiatrist, I feel just content. Content with life. The thing is, I dont know if that is acceptable or not. I guess I need to figure out what is acceptable and what isnt. What level do I want to be at? I am pretty sure I don't want to be buried in just content. I can do better. I have been on both sides of contentment and I miss the positive side. That being said, we adjusted my medications again. We doubled my Abilify dosage. We will see what that does. I am really concerned because since I started Abilify I have gained almost 45 pounds. It is just so uncomfortable and irritating. I did some research and found out that this is a major side effect that people complain about. People usually gain 50 lbs on it. Ugg... this is not what I needed. I have been trying to exercise more and eat less/more healthy but it is hard when you are constantly hungry. Waking up in the middle of the night starving has probably been a huge contributor to the weight gain. I just keep telling myself that this is only temporary and I can get the weight to go away later.... I think my weight gain also serves as a discouragement for others who want to get help. I have a friend who probably should go on medication for her anxiety and depression but she is so scared of gaining weight that she refuses. I will say that yes gaining the weight sucks but not feeling like I want to die everyday is a fair trade off I feel!

I had a therapy appointment the other day with my psychologist Emily. I really like her. She is very direct and makes me really think about my recovery and life in different ways. We started talking about going back to couples therapy. Here is the deal - I know that there is a lot of stuff Jessica and I still need to work through but I just don't know if I am ready. I look back at those moments and that time in my life and I am embarrassed for what I said, what I did etc. That wasn't me. I didn't want to be with my wife, I didn't want my kids, I didn't want my job and I didn't want to be alive so I feel like a lot of that cannot be held against me and is very difficult and embarrassing to go back and face. I look at that time as a dark time and I don't want to go back, My whole goal in recovery is to continually move forward and I am frightened of going back into those times so soon and trying to make sense of them. I know it is only fair and I owe it to my wife but I just don't feel like know is the right time. But when is the right time? Next month? Next year? 5 years from now? If not now... when?

Song of the day - Burn Away - Nathan Gray

"After all the death I have dodged to get to where I am, I've come out smiling in the end. "