A day in the life of the depressed mind

I wake up around 5am and go let the dogs out. It is still too early to be up up so I lay on the couch and try and go back to sleep. I can as the couch has Legos, a random spoon, a blanket with old milk dried on it, and the cushions wont stay in place. So I go upstairs back to my bed. I lay there with a dog at my feet. I wonder if she knows what I am feeling or thinking. Either way - she knows I am not feeling great. I close my eyes and imagine where I could go to easily, quickly and painlessly take my own life. This makes me feel calm and I am able to shut my eyes and rest for another hour before I have to get up. I imagine a place like the back of a hospital or the side of a funeral home. You know, someplace to make it easy for all parties involved. I have looked up the price of Crime Scene cleanup crews - that is not a burden I would like to leave with my family. I would probably call the police before I did it so they could find me quickly and notify my family. All these thoughts help me get some much needed sleep. I get up about an hour later and shuffle my way into the bathroom. I begrudgingly get in the shower and let the water wake me up a little bit. I look over and see my tattoo that says "How we survive is what makes us who we are." I am hit with a little bit of inspiration and motivation for the day. Just enough to get my showerly duties completed and get dressed. After I am dressed I try and find something to eat but usually can only find a dying banana and the bottom 8th of a gallon of milk which should have been thrown out days ago. I head upstairs brush my teeth and take out my pills for the day. 300mgs of WellButrin and 40mgs of Lexapro. That should do it today! Primp my hair and I am ready for the day. I get the kids in the car and shuttle them off to day care where I am told stories about Pokemon and Nerf guns. I try to drown them out with the talk radio but they always seem to talk louder. Once the kids are dropped off I head into work. I start driving and turn on some music to get me in a good mood. A guy cuts me off and I resist the urge to give him the finger. I stop at a light to turn left. I see a semi coming and wonder if I would die on impact if the truck T-boned me? Whoa - cant think about that now. I have a job to go to. I find a more uplifting song to listen to. I get to work and park my car. I sit in my car for a minute just to mentally prepare. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. My job isnt that stressful, I just dont like it that much and want to stay calm and positive. I arrive at my desk. The office is really quiet. The culture here sucks. No one really talks to each other. I am not greated with any "Good mornings" or anything like that. Just silence. I sit down and boot up. While my computer boots up I peruse my social media feeds on my phone. I like a few things, read a few things. Just get a quick glance into the world that is today. I get booted up and start working... which just involves emails and more emails. I look out the window at the bustling morning traffic on 494. It looks much cooler from afar than actually being in it. It quickly crosses my mind about what kind of glass is this? How thick is it? I could probably break it if I jumped through it right? How far of fall would that be? Oh a new email! I refocus on my work. I put in my headphones as the guy across from me wont stop hacking. I have a friend IM me asking me how I am doing. This is tricky.... how am I doing as a normal nicety? or does she really mean how am I doing? Hmmm.... well I guess it doesnt matter because I am going to answer it the same way. "I am doing ok today... how about you?" (whew dodged that bullet) I move on and then I start to think.... hmm how am I doing really? I feel pretty good. I am moderately happy...could I be happier? Sure who couldn't? So I move on. Next thing I get an email reminding me I have support group tonight. I start to think... should I really go? I don't need it. I would rather just go home and lay on the couch and watch Impractical Jokers reruns while the kids play outside. No i should really go. I like the group and it gets me out of the house. OK so I am going to group. Ahh fuck... that means I have to deal with traffic. Dammit. Maybe I will leave early to avoid it and go hang out. Either way, it will give me some alone time.

Lunch time comes. Finally! I wait until everyone else has gone and then go downstairs by myself. I like to avoid work conversations and the forced chit-chat. Just let me eat. I grab something real quick and head back to my desk hoping to not be spotted by the few friendly coworkers that I do have. After lunch I head to my staff meeting. It is with my boss and 2 other co workers. We sit around and talk about what is going on and just an informal touchbase. I envision how the meeting would go if he had to tell the others that I took my own life. What would he say? How would he say it? How would they react? Would they react? To me these are normal thoughts.... are they not? I go back to my desk and work/surf the internet for a few more hours then head up to my group. Traffic is at a standstill. I turn on the comedy station to help my mind wander away from the frustration. I am going to be late. I know it is going to be ok but I still HATE being late. I end up getting to my group 2 minutes before the start. I chat with some of the guys and grab a cookie. We have a good meeting. It is a bunch of dudes that are depressed like me and just need a place to talk about it. We talk about triggers, check ins, things that help, things that dont, suicide, medications, meditation, sleep, sex, wives, childhood. We chat about it all. The two hours go by quick. I get into my car and head home. There is no traffic and I turn up my music and enjoy the next hour drive by myself. I reflect on the day thinking "today wasnt too bad." I am not excited for tomorrow but I have learned to just work with today. I get home and say hi to my wife and dogs. Watch a little TV, have some ice cream and then go upstairs and lay in bed. I meditate for 20 minutes to relax and free my mind up. I do some deep breathing try to focus on getting to sleep. I toss and turn for a little bit. Within 20 minutes I am asleep and I am on my way to doing the day all over again.

Random thoughts on suicide

There has been a lot of press lately on suicide with the high profile suicides lately. Also, last week, my friend's father committed suicide at age 66. With everything in the media, it has really brought it to the forefront of my mind. My mind has been swirling lately. Just watching the devastation that suicide causes and the ripple effect it has on so many people. It truly gives me perspective on it and helps me get a better understanding of it and in some way, acts as a deterrent. It may sound weird, but they always tell you to think about your family when you are going through depression and contemplating suicide or having ideations. I have been there. Thinking about your family doesn't do much. It can actually have the opposite effect. I remember thinking and believing that my family would actually be better off without me around. This is the way that depression lies to us and our brains. Being on the outside and in a good place mentally, I can start to delve into and digest peoples stories of grieving. Hopefully I can recall these narratives and stories when I am in a dark place.

The other day, after the 2 high profile suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, my friend's father hanged himself at 66 years of age. Turns out my friends father had struggled a long time with substance abuse and mental issues. They had been trying to get help for him and trying different programs, doctors and treatment strategies. I guess things just didnt work and he decided to end his life. I cannot blame him for what he did. I have been there. I know how it feels. On some strange level, I am a little jealous. His pain and depression is now over.  He is at peace. He will never face the reality of another relapse, never have to talk to another dr, shrink, therapist about his issues, feelings. He will never feel judged again. He will never have to try a new medication and see if it works, never wake up fearing to face the day again. There is something about that that makes me feel content for him. I also feel that with more help or the right medication and support, he could have made it through this and gotten to this side of happiness. I am very happy that I never completed the act of suicide even though I wanted to at the time.


At the same time - I feel scared. I feel very scared. I fear that this will be a demon that I will continue to face for the rest of my life. I think I always knew it would be but facing the reality of it strikes a chord within me. I will ALWAYS have to monitor my mental health and stability. I will most likely always been in some sort of counseling, therapy or support group to work through this. I will be on medication potentially as well. You hear these stories of older people (+50) taking their own life and I just wonder if that is my fate? All I can say is that I am trying everything I can to prevent another relapse and follow through on all my recovery and I guess right now, that is all I can do.

So where do we go from here? The more I get involved into suicide prevention causes and care, the more I feel I can help. It is a passion of mine and I want to help others understand that help is available and it is possible to feel better and that it quite possibly is only a temporary emotion you are facing. I am looking into volunteering at NAMI this year and maybe telling my story to others. I feel I could help. So that is what I am going to do. Help in this battle and cause. I feel for once in my life I could actually do some good.