There has been a lot of press lately on suicide with the high profile suicides lately. Also, last week, my friend's father committed suicide at age 66. With everything in the media, it has really brought it to the forefront of my mind. My mind has been swirling lately. Just watching the devastation that suicide causes and the ripple effect it has on so many people. It truly gives me perspective on it and helps me get a better understanding of it and in some way, acts as a deterrent. It may sound weird, but they always tell you to think about your family when you are going through depression and contemplating suicide or having ideations. I have been there. Thinking about your family doesn't do much. It can actually have the opposite effect. I remember thinking and believing that my family would actually be better off without me around. This is the way that depression lies to us and our brains. Being on the outside and in a good place mentally, I can start to delve into and digest peoples stories of grieving. Hopefully I can recall these narratives and stories when I am in a dark place.
The other day, after the 2 high profile suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, my friend's father hanged himself at 66 years of age. Turns out my friends father had struggled a long time with substance abuse and mental issues. They had been trying to get help for him and trying different programs, doctors and treatment strategies. I guess things just didnt work and he decided to end his life. I cannot blame him for what he did. I have been there. I know how it feels. On some strange level, I am a little jealous. His pain and depression is now over. He is at peace. He will never face the reality of another relapse, never have to talk to another dr, shrink, therapist about his issues, feelings. He will never feel judged again. He will never have to try a new medication and see if it works, never wake up fearing to face the day again. There is something about that that makes me feel content for him. I also feel that with more help or the right medication and support, he could have made it through this and gotten to this side of happiness. I am very happy that I never completed the act of suicide even though I wanted to at the time.
At the same time - I feel scared. I feel very scared. I fear that this will be a demon that I will continue to face for the rest of my life. I think I always knew it would be but facing the reality of it strikes a chord within me. I will ALWAYS have to monitor my mental health and stability. I will most likely always been in some sort of counseling, therapy or support group to work through this. I will be on medication potentially as well. You hear these stories of older people (+50) taking their own life and I just wonder if that is my fate? All I can say is that I am trying everything I can to prevent another relapse and follow through on all my recovery and I guess right now, that is all I can do.
So where do we go from here? The more I get involved into suicide prevention causes and care, the more I feel I can help. It is a passion of mine and I want to help others understand that help is available and it is possible to feel better and that it quite possibly is only a temporary emotion you are facing. I am looking into volunteering at NAMI this year and maybe telling my story to others. I feel I could help. So that is what I am going to do. Help in this battle and cause. I feel for once in my life I could actually do some good.
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