Stomp Out Suicide

A few weeks ago I did the Stomp Out Suicide 5K. I raised over $2,500 for the cause and had a team of about 15 people attend the event. It felt incredible yet sad. My best friend Rick from Illinois and his wife and 2 kids came up on short notice to participate. I haven't seen him in almost 3 years. It was so wonderful to see him. I miss him. We both went through a major bout of depression together when we were 17. It meant the world that they took time out of their life to come and support me. My good friend Eric came down from Roseau Minnesota. Some of my best friends locally joined as well. I truly felt loved and supported - which was awesome because when I was going through my relapse in 2017, I didnt feel supported except for my wife and parents. The outpouring of encouraging words, financial donations and good vibes was not unnoticed and had a very positive and profound effect on me.

It was about an hour away in Wyoming Minnesota. We got in the car with my dad and our 2 kids (ages 6 and 2) and set off for Wyoming. When we approached the park it was in, the area had a very small town feel. Not very corporate and a lot of frontage roads that would lead you to your local gas station. We turn the corner towards the event and there are cars everywhere! Both sides of the road and signs directing you where to go. We drove what seemed like an extra mile or so just to find a parking spot in a field somewhere. I was surprised at how many cars were there. I guess I didnt know what to expect but I was extremely surprised. We got out of the car and walked a good mile to the event meeting up with my friend Jackie along the way. When we arrived, there were people everywhere. Estimates were around 1,800 people. I felt this warm sensation in my heart and felt good that so many people were acknowledging this epidemic and here to do something about it! What stigma right?! But then you start to put things together and start realizing that ALL of these people have been impacted by someones suicide. The chain of impact and how many people are deeply affected by one persons actions is scary and frankly sad. The majority of the people who took their own life (90%) most likely had a mental illness. At some point, these people probably felt alone, worthless, and meaningless without anyone caring about them. This was a picture of quite the opposite. If only they knew now what they meant.

I ran into my friend PT who runs the #Livin foundation and was the emcee. He is a fantastic guy who lives and breathes fighting the mental illness stigma and suicide prevention. His energy and passion for the cause is very contagious and infectious. I would like to become more involved with #livin if time allows. He is doing some wonderful things and I feel the calling to become involved in some organization but I haven't decided if it would be Livin, NAMI or Face It.... or maybe my own?

We all lined up after we got our shirts and waited for the start of the race. The majority of us walked it - one friend of mine, Morgan, ran it. The walk itself was very cathartic and empowering. I could feel the sense of community and purpose during the walk. Even though my daughter was being a pill and making it difficult to stay focused and participate, it is all a part of life that we have to learn to love.  It wasn't very challenging or difficult overall. It was actually really nice. It was gorgeous out and I had some of my best friends there to chat with so it was a great day. But in the back of your head, I knew why I was there.

I was there to help ensure that there are services provided for those that need it... so others don't get into the same place I was... and if they did, there would be help to get them out of it. I was there because I might need the services later. My family might need it. I came very close to ending my own life. I came close to not being there for the walk. I came close to not experiencing the happiness, joy and love I did on that day. Looking back, it scares me. How one can slip out of your own mind and be controlled by something intangible yet so powerful.  I was there to tell Suicide that I am better and stronger than it. I am bigger than it. I can do something about it. I can conquer it and I have a community and family that has my back.

At the end of the 5K, we all gathered around the stage and listened to the keynote by a singer from The Voice Kat Perkins. She sang a song called "You are not alone" and in the middle of it, we all let go of the balloons we were holding. Just picture thousands of balloons. It was incredibly moving. You couldn't help but think of all the people lost to suicide and the balloons representing them.

Overall it was a really moving and good time. Sad to see how many people are affected by it. I am working everyday to stay on this side of things but it is difficult but having the support of my family and friends on this day is something I can look back on and appreciate in desperate times.