Yesterday was my birthday. As you get older, birthdays become less and less exciting and fun. This year was no exception. I started my day at my psychologists office. It was a routine visit. We talked in depth about my recent increase in suicidal ideation and fascination. The suicidal ruminations have been pretty intense lately. I have been having around 5-10 instances of ideation throughout the day. I walked in to the appointment sitting around a 5 in terms of my overall depression rating. I walked out around an 8 and that stayed with me most of the day. It was a really stressful and emotional meeting. Talking in detail about the suicidal thoughts, and what to think of when they hit and trying to understand where they are coming from. I never really got out of the hole that day. My day ended with me crying in bed on the phone with the suicide prevention hotline. It got bad that I just needed to walk away and I broke down. If I had the means at the time, I am scared to think that I might have attempted. I don't recall actually making the decision to call but I just remember seeing myself pick up the phone and dialing. I had no idea what I was going to say or what I my intentions were. I just knew that I needed someone to talk to. Someone who won't judge, someone who has professional experience. I know a lot of people have told me "you can reach out whenever!" But I feel a lot of that is just empty words and wouldn't know what to say if I told them I was on the brink. I thought about calling A.M. from Daybridge. She works with me and going through her own shit but she is a really good person and would understand. I was going to reach out to her if I wasn't happy with what the NSPH offered. After a few minutes of talking I felt myself relax and step away from danger. After I hung up the phone, I meditated, turned on some music and just did some breathing and texted my wife that I was OK. She came up later and we talked about it. So needless to say, it wasn't my best birthday ever.
In trying to figure out what was the catalyst for this, I did some soul searching. The day started off a little rough at my therapists and that was right away in the morning. Tough to really rebound from an emotional beginning like that. I continued to get more agitated and irritable as the day went on. I was feeling depressed and just wanted to be alone. Having the feelings of depression and getting constant messages from friends and family saying things like "have a wonderful amazing day." Just felt empty and almost made it worse. Typical depression - when you are in the darkness and someone tells you to snap out of it or cheer up, it typically will make you even more depressed so I think that is what happened. I just lost it later that night. I had had enough and needed to get out. Fortunately, I was able to address it and adjust it and ask for help which is key. I can only hope that this will continue in the future and I will seek out help in those dark times rather than letting it take over me.
Song of the day - Pain - War on Drugs
"I resist what I cannot change. Own it in your own way."
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