Growin old but none the wiser

Shit. Tomorrow I turn 37. That is 37 spins on this planet. That is 13,514 days - 324,336 hours. Doesn't seem like that long. To be honest, I am surprised I am going to be celebrating it. Earlier this year, I had no intentions of making it to 37. It has been quite a year.. but I am here and I will be here for 37 and I hope for at least another 37+.  I try and tell myself that everyday but it is hard. VERY hard. Every day it seems I am having suicidal thoughts and ideations. The thought of leaving my kids doesn't scare me off, which in turn, scares the shit out of me. I am learning to live with these thoughts and ideations as they don't just go away. A lot of times I wonder what it is like to live without suicidal ruminations in your head.

I feel that I am on a downward drop in my recovery. I know that there will be peaks and valleys and recovery is not a straight line so I am trying to stay positive and just weather the storm and hopefully make it to the other side. One of the ways I am doing so is looking at the positives and negatives:

The Negatives: 

• Suicidal thoughts occurring more often (4-10 times a day) 
• Inability to sleep well - I am sleeping about 5-7 hours a night. Waking up at around 2-4 am and not able to go back to sleep. 
• Really poor eating. I am hungry all the time and mostly for all the wrong foods. I am trying to embrace it and just know that it will pass but this can't be good for me. 
• Getting more distant with my wife - our relationship has been rocky but I feel it is slipping even further into trouble
• Anhedonia - This took me by surprise but I am losing interest in a lot of the things I used to love - playing music, playing drums, sex. I feel myself wanting to be isolated again and only wanting to sleep

The Positives

• The suicidal thoughts are just that - thoughts. I haven't ventured into planning or even thinking of HOW or WHEN - so far it is just ideation and thoughts. 
• I am able to feel this come on and acknowledge it. I can confront it in my mind and just know that my brain is in a crisis right now and I can't trust everything it is telling me
• I have a very good support system. Friends, family, therapist, psychiatrist, support group. I have never had this much support before that I know I can rely on to get me though this. 
• I feel I have been more attentive to my kids and appreciating them more. Maybe it is for dark reasons that I am not conscious of but I like the way I feel around them and the way they make me feel. 

Song of the day - Miracle - Rise Against

"Are you going to finally grip the wheel I think you know how. This is more than you expected it to be."