Intrusive Thoughts

I had a really good conversation with my therapist last week. We talked at length about my repetitive and common suicidal thoughts. I have been associating these with my depression but she mentioned intrusive thoughts. These are essentially an unwelcome and involuntary thought, image or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession and can be difficult to manage or eliminate. I have to say - I think she is spot on. These suicidal intrusive thoughts make me depressed but maybe aren't a symptom OF my depression. It is hard to wrap my head around but it kind of makes sense. I have noticed that if I address the intrusive thought and basically show it the door and don't action it by either distracting myself or pushing forward, I can remain feeling relatively OK. If I don't let it affect me, my mood isn't affected. (Seems simple I know)

I had a stretch of good days. Minimal depression, decent sleep, little agitation and irritability. I am still feeling the sexual side effects and my motivation has been shit. Tired a lot and just want to do really nothing, I don't want to kill myself so that is a positive and I will take that. To work on the motivation etc, I went back on Wellbutrin. It is a stimulant so it has helped me get my ass in gear and keep up with my responsibilities which has been a good effect. I still fear relapse. Read yet another story of a person who was getting treatment, had a good support system but still lost the battle to depression. I would like to think I am strong enough to keep moving forward and hope that I am. All i can do is keep my plan in place and focus on today.

There has been a lot of things happening outside of the depression scope, my wife has been having some health problems. Semi-serious ones so we are addressing those. Hopefully things turn out to be nothing but the anticipation and anxiety of it is almost as bad as the diagnosis itself. My mental health is no longer in the forefront and I am OK with that. I just cant lose sight of my recovery. I really don't like this getting older shit. I got a wart on the heel of my foot from taking my daughter to swimming lessons I guess, so it has hampered my ability to move a lot. I can't walk to well and it is extremely painful. So I have been quite the lazy ass. Haven't taken dogs for a walk, haven't mowed the lawn. Shit - even getting the mail is a painful chore. I have been pretty immobile and my waistline is reflecting that. I went to a foot dr and he froze the bitch off. It is going to take a few days to fully get better but it is progress. I am supposed to go get a physical in a few weeks but I am not sure I want to do it. I am in horrible shape and in the middle of recovery where I ate nothing but oreos and gained weight, I haven't been able to exercise etc. So my numbers are going to be off the charts and they will probably want to put me on more meds but I feel I am not at a normal place right now to be given medication. I need things to level out first..... hopefully they will.

Song of the day - Highway Kings - Bouncing Souls

"What are dreams for anyway without the guts to live your life that way?"