I had my first group tonight in over a month. There were some things with the group facilitator that he had to cancel in the past. It was so refreshing to be there. Being there made me realize that I have put my recovery on the back burner and haven't been focusing on it as much as I should and if I don't I could end up right where I was. I need to make a firmer commitment to myself. I am thinking about going into a DBT program part time to help me. I hear DBT is great if you can implement it into your daily life. I am trying to do more meditation but I am maybe only doing it 1-2x a week. I really need to do it daily. I need to schedule out my recovery activities. I want to start going to the gym a few times a week, meditate every night before bed, walk the dogs daily, practice greatfulness every morning and do yoga a few times. That is a lot but I can not risk another relapse.
I feel that this image truly represents depression and the depressed mind. We feel that we are on the edge of the building, we could fall at any time. Our daily mission is to keep from falling and find solid ground where we wont feel as vulnerable. Then depression (or the guy in the blue shirt in this pic) comes along and can kick you right off where you were. You try to grasp on but there is nothing to hold on to. I know life doesn't have to be this way but when it is all you know, you don't know how to navigate around it or move past it.
Hay mas tiempo que vida - a friend of mine posted this on FB the other day and it really stopped me in my tracks and made me think. The translation for this is "There is more time than life" maybe that is the Spanish version of YOLO but I really like it and it puts things into perspective. Time keeps rolling on, with or without us. Time will continue even after we check out. Time doesn't really care about life. Time is a cruel, ever-pressing, steamroller. Time controls our lives. Time doesn't run out, life does. So how do we make the most of our lives? Making as much money as we can at the expense of our happiness? Staying in relationships that don't make sense just due to obligation? Drinking and getting high to experience a higher life and better state of mind? Taking chances? NOT taking chances and live safe? I think we each define that for ourselves. I am just trying to determine what that means for me. There are a few things I want to accomplish, achieve/experience in my life before I check out. I want to record music. I will be honest, I am not that great at piano but I really like tinkering with melodies and chord progressions. I have about 25 partially completed songs that I want to record and just have for my kids someday to listen to and perhaps be inspired. I want to travel more: I want to see Australia. I want to pet a Koala bear. I want to be a part owner in a music store. I want to tell my story of depression and suicide in hopes that I can inspire others. I want to have one night of pure unadulterated, lustful fucking. I want to be in shape someday and have someone turn their head when I walk past. I want to teach my kids how to be a good person - how to help others. These are the things that I want to accomplish in life. I don't know how much time I have left to accomplish them but I know that I only have this one life to complete them.
Song of the day - The Last Song I Will Write - Jason Isbell
"Come run away with me. This ain't the world we signed up for."
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