Today marks a month since I was discharged from Regions. Time has flown by. But it also feels like the last 6 months of my life was 6 years ago. The start of my relapse feels like ages ago. It almost feels like a different time and a different person. I decided to do a little introspection on my recovery thus far. It has been going fairly well - better than I thought that is for sure. Life is in full force now. My son is in Kindergarten, I am in my rigorous schedule of weekly therapy, my drumming schedule is back to being full, my support group is in full swing, my kids are in weekly swimming lessons, my daughter has weekly music classes with me, my wife is fully focused on her job etc. As the classic jam goes - back to life - back to reality. Still trying to carve out time for self care and ensuring I don't fall off. That is harder than I thought it would be. I am sticking to my strict bedtime of 9:30 while doing 30 minutes of meditation prior. After all that, there is hardly anytime to go outside and play. I have learned a lot over the past year. A lot about myself, my brain, people, priorities, life and recovery. There have been 3 reoccurring lessons that I keep learning;
1) It takes a lifetime - No doubt about this. It isn't a quick fix or an easy battle - it is a lifelong war against depression. I feel it everyday. Some days are better than others. Some weeks are better than others.... some minutes are better than others. I just keep telling myself to keep fighting and it is worth it. I knew going into treatment that it was going to be a lifelong disease but coming to terms with it on the other side of treatment and not feeling 100% better is a real kick to the stones and a clash with reality. I thought my brain would be in a better place where I would be more accepting of the fact that I will struggle with this day in and day out but nope.... still my same brain that I have always had. I thought that I would be on the outside looking in and be prepared and on the lookout for a relapse when in reality - I feel that I am still in it. Granted I feel I am on the edges of it and not so much in the deep shit of it but still, regardless, I am still very much in it. I just don't know if I will ever be on the outside of it again...
2) DIY- As much as it is hard to admit and come to terms with, I am in this alone and have to beat it myself. When I was going through it, there were a lot of people there to offer support and a hand but now, they have resumed their lives - which I do not blame them for and completely understand. I just have to understand that this is a part of MY life and I have to manage it. Yes I have a few friends who are close enough that I can confide in and have emotional conversations with but for the most part - that is on myself. I do have a very healthy and strong support system but that can only take you so far. I have noticed that my wife is getting a lot of support too. A lot of her friends are reaching out to her asking her how she is doing and how I am doing. I think that is good but in a way it feels weird that they aren't asking me themselves, it feels a little isolating. I am friends with them too. Are they too scared to ask? Do they think I have too many people asking me? It is just weird. A lot of people offering to be there if you need them but no one really just checking in which I think it an important part of recovery. I appreciate people offering support and an ear. It is hard though to discern the difference between those who actually care or those who are just curious. But having regular check ins with myself and writing in this blog has been critical to getting my thoughts out there and acknowledging them.
3) You must look back to see forward - As much as I want to avoid looking back at the emotions I experienced, the feelings I had and the actions I did, it is vital to growing and overcoming and recovering. It feels like looking back is going back and not moving forward, but I am realizing just how important it is to understand those feelings and become familiar with them and try to understand the genesis of them. When I was 29 I was in a car accident. A Ford F350 read ended me going 30 MPH on 694. To that point I hardly ever looked in my rear view mirror when I was stopping. I was just assuming the vehicle behind me was stopping as well. Well on that day of the accident, I caught a glimpse of the truck barreling right into my back end and found myself bracing for impact. For a few months after the accident, I was scared shitless at every stop light. Every time I stopped, I was staring in my rear-view mirror to make sure the car behind me was stopping. To this day, I still consciously look back as a check to make sure they are stopping. I think that is very similar to this. I need to always look back to ensure that what is happening now, is not what happened then - that there isn't a truck about to barrel right at me.
I have my appointment with my psychologist in a few hours. I am strangely looking forward to it. I really like her. She is down to earth and real. I think it is pretty obvious I like talking about this stuff and I don't know why but I think it is probably good right? Maybe I talk too much about it but I haven't learned to shut up yet so why start.
Song of the day - Until We Surrender - Heartsounds
"Sometimes I wonder if things really get better or does the hand of time just beat us down until we surrender?"
No comments:
Post a Comment