The New Normal

I guess you could say that today is the start of my new life. I started back up at work. I was nervous. After being gone for so long... what do I tell people? What if they ask? Will I be able to do the work? Will they look/treat me different? So many things to think about and worry about. The night before my illustrious return to work - I drove 4 hours to Fargo North Dakota by myself to see Jason Isbell in concert. It was exactly what I needed. His music has been instrumental so far in my recovery and seeing him live really resonates with me. I just feel connected to him and the music. Nothing matters when the music is on. It was a little weird to be at a show by myself but it was also kind of nice. I ran into some friends from college as well. I stayed at a shitty hotel in Fargo. It was lonely but still kind of nice. I drove straight from Fargo to work this morning. Not many people said really anything about my return. My boss just asked how I was doing and told me we would catch up tomorrow. I basically went through emails today.  Honestly - it feels good to be back. I feel better - mentally and physically. I have confidence that I didn't have before. We will see how long this lasts.....

A part of this new normal for me is new medication. The Wellbutrin I am on is giving me awful headaches every day and OTC pain meds don't do anything. I see my Psychiatrist on Friday so maybe we will adjust. But I am feeling better so maybe it is a small price to pay.... I haven't had any relapse of negative or suicidal thoughts in almost a week now. It may sound dumb but that is huge considering I was on the verge of actually doing it just over a month ago. Hopefully it continues to get better. I am looking into taking Yoga. I really liked it while in treatment. It was relaxing and I think I can get something out of it. I really want to implement some of the tools I learned in treatment to my life and not lose sight of it. It would be really easy to slide right back into same patterns and same routines and unfortunately, that will lead to the same results and I refuse to go back down that road. I have to commit to myself and family that I am making myself a priority. I have to get over the thought that that is selfish. I mean, it is in a way, but ultimately I am focusing on ME to be a better person for THEM. If I keep looking at it that way, that should help motivate me.



I really think I need to get back into music - playing. Sure I play at churches etc but I want to create. I think that will help a lot. I think this might be a calling or beckoning to me to get back into it. I have written about 30 songs/riffs/ideas that are all saved on my phone. I think I could put together something pretty cool and special. I asked a friend of mine to help me build the songs so we will see how that goes. If I can put a record together for my kids to listen to when I am long gone and maybe just for a second, inspire them or have a positive effect on them - that is all I want. I just need to get my ass in gear and start the process. My confidence level on the piano and guitar are very low so it is hard for me to play with others around, which is kind of weird. I just need to get over it and play expressively  - just like I play drums and forget what others might think.

As far as life post-treatment, I am feeling rather good. I miss treatment and miss the people there. I miss being open and honest. I used to be able to have those conversations with my wife but now with my son starting Kindergarten, her work stresses, my work, her Dr. appts, mine, etc there is little to no time for us to talk about that stuff anymore and that bothers me. I don't want to just jump in one night and say "hey let's talk about my fucked up head!" But maybe I need to . I know she cares and loves me dearly. I just need to keep trudging along and continue to build a life worth living. However, I am not too sure exactly how I am going to do that. I don't even know what that entails? I thought I had that before - but clearly I didn't. So what do I need to add to create this mysterious 'life worth living?' I have a good job, an awesome wife, 2 (relatively) good kids, supportive parents etc. WTF am I missing? I think it is an outlet for my passion. Working for a fucking bank is not a passion of mine nor will it ever be.... but providing a comfortable life for my family IS. So I don't know what to do. I guess I will keep looking and trying to find that passion somewhere. I see musicians and drummers that are half as talented as I am making a career out of it so maybe I should. (That is the most arrogant I will ever be... just trying to be honest) Fuck I don't know.

Song of the day - Prey - Boysetsfire

"Bring down the lights and just go home. I have nothing left and I want to be alone."