So here I am, approaching 4 weeks out of treatment and into my recovery. Things are going better than I thought they would be. I am having some short relapse moments every now and then. I guess that is to be expected. I knew it would happen but it still scares the shit of out me when it does and I let it bring me down and I start to feel like recovery isn't possible so then why even fucking try? Then I think about my progress - I was having suicidal thoughts daily if not hourly and now they are maybe 1-2 times a week so that is progress but I still feel it is a setback. I picture it like an alcoholic. I feel like having a suicidal thought is equivalent to falling off the wagon and having a drink. My wife helped me readjust my thinking regarding that but I can't help but feel like I am not making progress. You also hear about so many people that are in recovery for a long time and then just fall off and end their life after years of recovery. Is that going to be me? That scares the piss out of me! Is all this recovery work for nothing but just delaying death?
To put it into some perspective I see it this way - the only way this disease will end is by death. Either by my own hands or by natures way. So we are delaying the inevitable to try and live a positive life for what? To try and forget about the fact that I am depressed and to force myself to go on living a life that for the majority of the time I don't want to be in? It feels very counter-intuitive. I know suicide would be an easy way out and basically giving up and letting depression win, I get that and I know I don't want it to win BUT I will never ever be cured. Ever. So it is either learn to live with it or let it kill me. These are the thoughts that ruminate in my head. Even when I am not in a depressed state. Like right now - I am feeling just fine, actually kind of happy today. I guess you have to find your reasons for living on and fighting through another day. Of course the easy answer to that is my kids. Yes I don't want them to grow up without a father figure or resent me or have a lifetime of depression. It is my hope and my promise to them that I will do whatever I can to prevent them from having the same pain and issues I have/had and I know that if I were to kill myself that it would guarantee a lifetime of pain and depression for them as well as my wife. But that doesn't make my life happy? It is kind of like that line in Office Space "work hard enough so you don't get fired." So I live just enough to keep my promise to my kids but that surely doesn't bring me happiness. So in essence I am telling myself to live a depressed life for someone else? Live for someone else? That is antithetical to everything I believe. Live for yourself. But I guess a suicidal person can't afford to have morals and strong held beliefs when their mind doesn't function correctly.
I plan to go on living and doing everything I can to beat this disease but that is easy to say when my mind isn't filled with darkness and distortions. The best I can do is prepare myself for those relapses and ensure that I feel I am equipped enough to weather the storm. Here is to hoping I have packed enough!
Song of the day - Change - Blind Melon
"When your deepest thoughts are broken, you keep on dreamin' boy 'cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die."
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