Milestones, MIA, and Mindfulness

Living with depression is a very quirky and interesting thing. No one knows your sick. The majority of people would probably freak out if they knew what you were thinking. It comes and goes as quickly as the breeze blows some days. There are days you can't imagine going on living and there are days you can't remember why you need help - at least for me. But I would say about 5/7 days a week I feel myself slip into the darkness at some point. It is hard to get around your head at times. However, the other day I reached a milestone. I have gone 5 days without suicidal thoughts. It was pretty awesome to know that things are improving. I remember just thinking "huh... I haven't thought about anything like that in a long time! Whats going on?" Usually thinking about suicide is a sign that something is wrong, but for me, NOT thinking about it made me think something is wrong. I guess that is just a part of this recovery thing I am doing. It isn't a bad thing by any means. It does feel strange. I am starting to feel better and happier.

After I posted my Depression story on Facebook, the response was pretty overwhelming. A lot of people messaged, texted, posted their support and accolades for saying something. That all felt incredible! It was great to get the word out and maybe, just maybe, get one person to realize it is OK to have a mental illness and that it is ok to ask for help. This blog is mine to just let my thoughts and feelings out so thats what I am going to do. It really confuses me on who the people that reached out and offered support vs. those that didn't. I am very involved in a few churches and have a lot of church connections on Facebook. Hardly ANY of them said anything or even acknowledged it when I saw them Not that I was expecting them to but you would just think that they would be the first to mention something. It was a little weird. They talk about being a community and praying for people but not a word was mentioned.... and maybe it didnt need to be - maybe they are doing it silently who knows. But it was just odd. Also - I had a re-connection with my best friend from High School who is going through some of the same things. We hadn't talked face to face in probably 5 years. I was scared and nervous but it was wonderful to see him and catch up and hear that he is going though a lot of the same struggle. Throughout everyone there were those that were inconspicuously missing..... my brother. We haven't ever really been that close but ever since I told him what I was going though, he hasn't reached out once to see how I am doing or anything. Not that I was really expecting him to but, Jesus man, I am your brother. As much as I wish it didn't it does kind of hurt. I wish he gave a shit enough to call, or text. Something. You always kind of hope people are going to come through when you need them, but not a fucking thing from him. I really wish it didn't hurt like it did. I only have 1 brother - I guess I can't force him to care. Does he not know how to talk about it? Does he not care? Does he not have any interest? Does he only give a shit about hockey? It is the response I was expecting but somehow, somewhere, I thought this might be different. Probably too busy with work and the kids and whatever the fuck else he does which I don't know since we don't talk.

Along with journaling my journey through this, I have took on meditation. I only do it for a few minutes a day. Just to help me center and ground myself. There are a lot of cool apps out there that help. I am really trying to focus on mindfulness. Being mindful of myself, surroundings, feelings, emotions and being. It may sound cheesy but I have noticed it helping. Getting a better understanding of oneself can only benefit you. I feel more in touch with myself (insert masturbation joke) and I feel I am understanding myself more - what my triggers are etc. I feel that I am able to create a blocking mechanism for my negative thoughts. Sometimes it feels like I am waging a war inside my head. I have these negative thoughts that appear and I am trying to build an army to attack them and prevent them from taking control... but this is all in MY head. It kind of feels like a multiple personality/split universe type scenario. I control my negative thoughts but yet I also control the means to destroy them? Does that make sense? It isI just weird to have to build up something to combat yourself. I guess that is what makes this disease all the more interesting and difficult to fix. You are the enemy but you are also the hero.

Song of the day - Begin Again - Ignite

"This is your chance to being again. A brand new start to a different end. This is your life to look forward to, and now it's all on you!"