Fighting it off

So it has been a while since I have sat down to blog or just to even think. In the middle of the holidays, I am finding it really hard to take time for self-care and just relax and focus on recovery. So far though... things have been going fairly well. I have been attending all my support groups, all my therapy sessions, regularly taking my medications and all-in-all feeling pretty ok. I know I should be happy about this and for the most part I am. It is just easy to forget about self care and a focus on recovery when you aren't feeling it. It is kind of like when you are feeling sick - you just take the meds until you feel better... not the whole time the doctor tells you to. I feel I am going down the road to recovery smoothly - every so often there is a bump or pothole, but I am at a nice cruising speed... but I still know that the ditch is just to the side of the road and is easy to fall into.

My motivation has been shit lately. It comes and goes. I used to be all about winter and keeping the driveway clean when it snowed but I just don't care anymore. It's not like I have too much other stuff going on.... maybe I am just prioritizing in my head? This morning though, I was on fire. I got the kitchen cleaned, dogs fed, dishes done, got my son up and dressed, showered and all ready to go by 6:45 am. That felt really good. But as I was driving into work I started to get tired and know that around 2 pm I am going to be exhausted. I have to find a way to balance. I also have been really shitty at being physical and exercising. I have the means to but I just cant ever seem to find the motivation or time.

I just spent way too much money on 2 guitars. I bought a 2015 Gold Top Duesenberg from Germany. It is so gorgeous and plays like butter. It is amazing. Then for some reason I bought a 2014 Fender American Special Telecaster. It is awesome. Sunburst with black pick guard. So bad ass. I am not a very good guitar player. I can noodle and get by on a few chords but I am by no means proficient. It has been very helpful to sit and play. Come up with little diddys and riffs or melodies. It sparks the creative part of my brain which I have found to help stave off the negative and dark thoughts. It redirects the thoughts and I find that when I have a guitar in my hand I am more comfortable and relaxed. I know it really bothered my wife that I bought them and she refuses to talk about them. I feel bad about it but going through this year I learned a few things - I have to do what I need to do to build a life worth living and it is ok to sometimes splurge on things that help with recovery. I think my wife knows that but just isnt excited about the fact that I dropped the money on it when we are trying to get out of debt. I want to get something engraved on the guitar... something to remind me of this time in my life and something about letting go and moving forward. I am still trying to figure that out - it is a really sweet and awesome guitar and I want to make sure I am putting the perfect quote on there.

Song of the day - The Last Song I will Write - Jason Isbell

"This is the end of everything - I'm crawling away to the sea."