I just don't know what to say....

I have been on this mental health journey for a good 2+ years now. My mission is pretty simple, educate and normalize. I want to educate people about mental illness as well as normalize the conversations. Make it OK to talk to one another about our emotions and feelings. Even when it makes us feel vulnerable. In the past 3 months I have really opened myself up. I let everyone in on the secret I had been keeping for so many years. I publicly published my story about my suicide attempt when I was 17. Now everyone knows. It was scary for a little while but I am over it now. It is done. I did it. I really don't have many concerns about any backlash or negativity from it. The story is mine and it is true and if people feel the need to judge and feel awkward, then that is their feelings to work with.

I have faced an ironic dilemma though. After posting all this stuff about opening up about mental illness and talking about it and seeking help, I had some friends and family who are close with me not mention it or even want to talk about it. When I asked them why, their reason was simple: "I don't know what to say."  I think that is a very fair statement to make. All this time I have been focused on the other side of getting people to talk. But what is one supposed to say when someone brings up the notion of mental health and/or suicide?

To me, it is no more different than someone who is diagnosed with any other ailment or illness. You generally ask basic questions about what they are feeling, what you can do, treatment strategies etc. I don't see this as being any different but I know others do. So what SHOULD you say?  Or maybe a better question is: What shouldn't you say? I can't speak for the mental health community as a whole but I think there are some generally agreed upon rules.

1) DON'T tell them to snap out of it

2) DO tell them you will listen

3) DON'T tell them they'll get over it

4) DO tell them you care about them

5) DON'T assume they want answers from you (most times they don't and just need a sounding board)

6) DO assume that if they have mentioned something to you about it, it is because they trust you and want to talk about it.

7) DON'T tell them you know how they feel. This can be tricky and I say this for 2 reasons: 1) This is about them, not you.  and 2) It may seem appropriate to connect and relate but unless you truly have been where they are, it is best to avoid this sentiment as it can be misinterpreted as minimizing the seriousness of their depression/feelings.

8) DO ask questions. It is OK to ask them questions, especially if you have concerns over their well-being. If you are comfortable, it is OK to ask them if they are thinking of hurting themselves (trust me, you aren't putting the thought in their head by mentioning it)


Just remember this - You don't need to have all the answers. You don't even need to have ANY answers. You just need to listen. Sometimes, the only thing they need is your presence.

When I was in the worst of my relapse 2 years ago, I couldn't find anyone to open up to. The few people I did try to open up to brushed it off and didn't know how to respond which made me feel even more isolated.


It is perfectly OK to NOT know what to say and even tell them that. They are coming to you as a trusted friend, not as a psychotherapist to analyze,diagnose and treat. The best thing anyone ever said to me was from my dad. After I told him that I was in my deep depression again and was seeking help he simply stated "I don't really know what to say about this stuff but I do know how to listen!" Those words meant the world to me and still resonate in my head almost daily.

Depression and Marriage

This is a post I wrote for my support group. It entails how my depression has impacted and affected my marriage and how we have navigated it.

Depression can be incredibly difficult to manage in one’s life. It can be even more difficult to navigate when it impacts more than just yourself. Whether we know it or not, our mental illness can have major effects on our family, friends and loved ones. So how do we stay focused on self-care, recovery and relapse prevention while still maintaining external relationships?

I have had Major Depressive Disorder for most of my life. I had a major relapse about 2 years ago and since then my mental health has become on the forefront for my family. It has become part of our daily conversation and norms. I consider myself very fortunate. I have an incredible wife who understands the disease. She understands how it feels and what it is like. She has been a great ally when I have been in the abyss of depression. Even though she understands and ‘gets it’, it is still something that we need to work through. We have had to change they dynamic between us to get through it.

Below are 4 things that we had to establish and maintain for us to get through this together:

1. Be Honest – I have had to be 100% completely honest with her. She knows what medications I take, the dosages, where they are, and when I take them. She knows when all my Dr appointments are. She knows when my support groups are. I keep my medications in a weekly pill case and she can tell when I haven’t taken them. She has learned how to gently remind me to take them or ask if I have. We disguise it as a generic question “have you brushed your teeth today?” Instead of outright asking if I took my meds as that can be a trigger if I am in a bad place. It is just a weird tactic we use. I also agreed that when I am in a bad spot or suffering, I would let her know. Even if I think I am going to get through it, she needs to know. A simple text that says “I am really struggling today. I am ok but just wanted to let you know.” It truly helps so she knows where I am at and she can help me sort it out if needed. I also am open to the thoughts that I am having. I have found for me that if I am struggling with suicidal thoughts, being open and talking about them lessens the impact on me and minimizes it.

2. Establish Ground Rules – We also have established ground rules as to when she needs to interject herself and take over. When we reach certain levels of depression, we are no longer capable of making appropriate decisions for ourselves. We have a number system. 1-10. 10 is the worst. If I say or my wife determines I am at a 9 or 10, I relinquish control to her and she has the right to admit me to the hospital or whatever means she feels appropriate. I know this will be tough to work through, but we needed to establish something where she takes over if I cannot be trusted or am a threat to myself. I have written a Recovery and Well-being Plan (like a WRAP plan) and have included all this information in it and have provided it to my wife as well as my therapist. We determined that we need to be prepared and be proactive.

3. Self-Care – We are all in need of self-care. We have agreed to give each other that time alone. She needs it just as much as I do. Dealing with me and walking on eggshells at times is not easy or fun. So, we always make sure that she gets her time away from the kids to do the things that bring her peace and center herself. We will also arrange time for me to be away from the kids and house to stay centered etc. She also allows me time to go to bed before her and meditate when I need to or suggest self-care activities if she notices I am a little off.

4. Date Night – We hold ourselves accountable for having monthly date nights. Sometimes it is just a quick dinner, sometimes it is an all-out date. Either way, we always schedule one every month. We use that time to connect/reconnect but also to discuss how things are going. It has become very cathartic to know she will just listen and we can have an ongoing dialogue about my recovery. It doesn’t always revolve around my depression, but it serves as a check point in our hectic lives to ensure we stay connected.

Our lives and relationships to move through this together.have greatly changed to manage my depression. It has taken a shift in our thinking, our actions and our INTERacton  It isn't perfect by any means and we are learning more each day how to coexist with it. I am not the person she married 13 years ago and likewise for her. Trying to understand the new normal for each other and how we can support each other is what is getting us through. 

You seem fine?

Just the other day I was out at a Happy Hour with some old friends. It was really good to be out and just chatting with good people. I have been friends with them for over a decade. The conversation was light and revolved around people we know, used to work with, what everyone is up to etc. The subject was moved to friends that we have lost. Then we started talking about suicide and depression. I chimed in and brought up my story and what I had been through the last 2 years. They had a basic understanding of what I had been through and they have been great in never judging or treating me any differently. I spoke to my experience though the system and what my life consists of now in recovery. I got a lot of the standard "I never would have thought you had it" "I was shocked to hear" "never thought you would have that." I am used to those comments. I am a pretty outgoing and jovial guy. Usually really friendly, joking etc so I can understand why they feel that way. One comment that took me by surprise was "Well I am glad you are all better now." I didn't really know how to react to that.... it got me thinking...am I actually better? To me, I am still battling it. I am still actively managing it through medication, therapists, support groups, self-care etc. It still is top of mind for me. I don't feel like my depression relapse and crisis 2 years ago was like a simple cut you get on your finger where it heals and you are fine. I know to them I am still the same guy, I still act the same and I am not in the hospital or anything so of course I look like I am better.

So that got me wondering... will I ever be "better"? Or I guess a better way to put it... will I ever consider myself better? I know I can handle things better now and I am out of immediate crisis so from that perspective I am better but I still feel I am still on a winding road where  I am just mere feet from the ditch again and I need to keep a clear focus to stay out of it.

The truth is, I will always battle this. I don't ever see a day where this is all in the rear-view mirror. But I also don't think that it will always be at the forefront of my life. Someday... it will be somewhere in the balance of my life. Every day I get a little bit closer to it. Learning how to manage it and move forward. I guess that is all we can do...right?