Just the other day I was out at a Happy Hour with some old friends. It was really good to be out and just chatting with good people. I have been friends with them for over a decade. The conversation was light and revolved around people we know, used to work with, what everyone is up to etc. The subject was moved to friends that we have lost. Then we started talking about suicide and depression. I chimed in and brought up my story and what I had been through the last 2 years. They had a basic understanding of what I had been through and they have been great in never judging or treating me any differently. I spoke to my experience though the system and what my life consists of now in recovery. I got a lot of the standard "I never would have thought you had it" "I was shocked to hear" "never thought you would have that." I am used to those comments. I am a pretty outgoing and jovial guy. Usually really friendly, joking etc so I can understand why they feel that way. One comment that took me by surprise was "Well I am glad you are all better now." I didn't really know how to react to that.... it got me thinking...am I actually better? To me, I am still battling it. I am still actively managing it through medication, therapists, support groups, self-care etc. It still is top of mind for me. I don't feel like my depression relapse and crisis 2 years ago was like a simple cut you get on your finger where it heals and you are fine. I know to them I am still the same guy, I still act the same and I am not in the hospital or anything so of course I look like I am better.
So that got me wondering... will I ever be "better"? Or I guess a better way to put it... will I ever consider myself better? I know I can handle things better now and I am out of immediate crisis so from that perspective I am better but I still feel I am still on a winding road where I am just mere feet from the ditch again and I need to keep a clear focus to stay out of it.
The truth is, I will always battle this. I don't ever see a day where this is all in the rear-view mirror. But I also don't think that it will always be at the forefront of my life. Someday... it will be somewhere in the balance of my life. Every day I get a little bit closer to it. Learning how to manage it and move forward. I guess that is all we can do...right?
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