I just don't know what to say....

I have been on this mental health journey for a good 2+ years now. My mission is pretty simple, educate and normalize. I want to educate people about mental illness as well as normalize the conversations. Make it OK to talk to one another about our emotions and feelings. Even when it makes us feel vulnerable. In the past 3 months I have really opened myself up. I let everyone in on the secret I had been keeping for so many years. I publicly published my story about my suicide attempt when I was 17. Now everyone knows. It was scary for a little while but I am over it now. It is done. I did it. I really don't have many concerns about any backlash or negativity from it. The story is mine and it is true and if people feel the need to judge and feel awkward, then that is their feelings to work with.

I have faced an ironic dilemma though. After posting all this stuff about opening up about mental illness and talking about it and seeking help, I had some friends and family who are close with me not mention it or even want to talk about it. When I asked them why, their reason was simple: "I don't know what to say."  I think that is a very fair statement to make. All this time I have been focused on the other side of getting people to talk. But what is one supposed to say when someone brings up the notion of mental health and/or suicide?

To me, it is no more different than someone who is diagnosed with any other ailment or illness. You generally ask basic questions about what they are feeling, what you can do, treatment strategies etc. I don't see this as being any different but I know others do. So what SHOULD you say?  Or maybe a better question is: What shouldn't you say? I can't speak for the mental health community as a whole but I think there are some generally agreed upon rules.

1) DON'T tell them to snap out of it

2) DO tell them you will listen

3) DON'T tell them they'll get over it

4) DO tell them you care about them

5) DON'T assume they want answers from you (most times they don't and just need a sounding board)

6) DO assume that if they have mentioned something to you about it, it is because they trust you and want to talk about it.

7) DON'T tell them you know how they feel. This can be tricky and I say this for 2 reasons: 1) This is about them, not you.  and 2) It may seem appropriate to connect and relate but unless you truly have been where they are, it is best to avoid this sentiment as it can be misinterpreted as minimizing the seriousness of their depression/feelings.

8) DO ask questions. It is OK to ask them questions, especially if you have concerns over their well-being. If you are comfortable, it is OK to ask them if they are thinking of hurting themselves (trust me, you aren't putting the thought in their head by mentioning it)


Just remember this - You don't need to have all the answers. You don't even need to have ANY answers. You just need to listen. Sometimes, the only thing they need is your presence.

When I was in the worst of my relapse 2 years ago, I couldn't find anyone to open up to. The few people I did try to open up to brushed it off and didn't know how to respond which made me feel even more isolated.


It is perfectly OK to NOT know what to say and even tell them that. They are coming to you as a trusted friend, not as a psychotherapist to analyze,diagnose and treat. The best thing anyone ever said to me was from my dad. After I told him that I was in my deep depression again and was seeking help he simply stated "I don't really know what to say about this stuff but I do know how to listen!" Those words meant the world to me and still resonate in my head almost daily.

Depression and Marriage

This is a post I wrote for my support group. It entails how my depression has impacted and affected my marriage and how we have navigated it.

Depression can be incredibly difficult to manage in one’s life. It can be even more difficult to navigate when it impacts more than just yourself. Whether we know it or not, our mental illness can have major effects on our family, friends and loved ones. So how do we stay focused on self-care, recovery and relapse prevention while still maintaining external relationships?

I have had Major Depressive Disorder for most of my life. I had a major relapse about 2 years ago and since then my mental health has become on the forefront for my family. It has become part of our daily conversation and norms. I consider myself very fortunate. I have an incredible wife who understands the disease. She understands how it feels and what it is like. She has been a great ally when I have been in the abyss of depression. Even though she understands and ‘gets it’, it is still something that we need to work through. We have had to change they dynamic between us to get through it.

Below are 4 things that we had to establish and maintain for us to get through this together:

1. Be Honest – I have had to be 100% completely honest with her. She knows what medications I take, the dosages, where they are, and when I take them. She knows when all my Dr appointments are. She knows when my support groups are. I keep my medications in a weekly pill case and she can tell when I haven’t taken them. She has learned how to gently remind me to take them or ask if I have. We disguise it as a generic question “have you brushed your teeth today?” Instead of outright asking if I took my meds as that can be a trigger if I am in a bad place. It is just a weird tactic we use. I also agreed that when I am in a bad spot or suffering, I would let her know. Even if I think I am going to get through it, she needs to know. A simple text that says “I am really struggling today. I am ok but just wanted to let you know.” It truly helps so she knows where I am at and she can help me sort it out if needed. I also am open to the thoughts that I am having. I have found for me that if I am struggling with suicidal thoughts, being open and talking about them lessens the impact on me and minimizes it.

2. Establish Ground Rules – We also have established ground rules as to when she needs to interject herself and take over. When we reach certain levels of depression, we are no longer capable of making appropriate decisions for ourselves. We have a number system. 1-10. 10 is the worst. If I say or my wife determines I am at a 9 or 10, I relinquish control to her and she has the right to admit me to the hospital or whatever means she feels appropriate. I know this will be tough to work through, but we needed to establish something where she takes over if I cannot be trusted or am a threat to myself. I have written a Recovery and Well-being Plan (like a WRAP plan) and have included all this information in it and have provided it to my wife as well as my therapist. We determined that we need to be prepared and be proactive.

3. Self-Care – We are all in need of self-care. We have agreed to give each other that time alone. She needs it just as much as I do. Dealing with me and walking on eggshells at times is not easy or fun. So, we always make sure that she gets her time away from the kids to do the things that bring her peace and center herself. We will also arrange time for me to be away from the kids and house to stay centered etc. She also allows me time to go to bed before her and meditate when I need to or suggest self-care activities if she notices I am a little off.

4. Date Night – We hold ourselves accountable for having monthly date nights. Sometimes it is just a quick dinner, sometimes it is an all-out date. Either way, we always schedule one every month. We use that time to connect/reconnect but also to discuss how things are going. It has become very cathartic to know she will just listen and we can have an ongoing dialogue about my recovery. It doesn’t always revolve around my depression, but it serves as a check point in our hectic lives to ensure we stay connected.

Our lives and relationships to move through this together.have greatly changed to manage my depression. It has taken a shift in our thinking, our actions and our INTERacton  It isn't perfect by any means and we are learning more each day how to coexist with it. I am not the person she married 13 years ago and likewise for her. Trying to understand the new normal for each other and how we can support each other is what is getting us through. 

You seem fine?

Just the other day I was out at a Happy Hour with some old friends. It was really good to be out and just chatting with good people. I have been friends with them for over a decade. The conversation was light and revolved around people we know, used to work with, what everyone is up to etc. The subject was moved to friends that we have lost. Then we started talking about suicide and depression. I chimed in and brought up my story and what I had been through the last 2 years. They had a basic understanding of what I had been through and they have been great in never judging or treating me any differently. I spoke to my experience though the system and what my life consists of now in recovery. I got a lot of the standard "I never would have thought you had it" "I was shocked to hear" "never thought you would have that." I am used to those comments. I am a pretty outgoing and jovial guy. Usually really friendly, joking etc so I can understand why they feel that way. One comment that took me by surprise was "Well I am glad you are all better now." I didn't really know how to react to that.... it got me thinking...am I actually better? To me, I am still battling it. I am still actively managing it through medication, therapists, support groups, self-care etc. It still is top of mind for me. I don't feel like my depression relapse and crisis 2 years ago was like a simple cut you get on your finger where it heals and you are fine. I know to them I am still the same guy, I still act the same and I am not in the hospital or anything so of course I look like I am better.

So that got me wondering... will I ever be "better"? Or I guess a better way to put it... will I ever consider myself better? I know I can handle things better now and I am out of immediate crisis so from that perspective I am better but I still feel I am still on a winding road where  I am just mere feet from the ditch again and I need to keep a clear focus to stay out of it.

The truth is, I will always battle this. I don't ever see a day where this is all in the rear-view mirror. But I also don't think that it will always be at the forefront of my life. Someday... it will be somewhere in the balance of my life. Every day I get a little bit closer to it. Learning how to manage it and move forward. I guess that is all we can do...right?

I know how you feel.....

So i figured I was probably due for an update here. I know I have been radio silent on here for awhile. Truth is, things are going pretty well right now and the last thing I think of is to journal when things are going well. However, one thing I wanted to mention that has been bothering me. I really appreciate those people that check in with me, talk about it, and try to relate. We as humans have a need to relate and sometimes the best we can say is "I know how you feel" in hopes of bridging the gap between us and them and let them know they arent alone and we understand. We say this mostly in times of hardships (deaths, illnesses, depression etc). I hear it a lot. "I know how you feel" or "I know what it is like." In actuality, you probably don't.  I appreciate the sentiment and the attempt to help me minimize my feelings and appear relate-able, (I really do) but depression is not the average bad-day blues... far from actually. I am looking at my life, re-evaluating it and contemplating ending it. I see everyday objects as a potential way out. I can't get out of myself and my head. We all process feelings and emotions differently. No one likes being told "I know how it feels" when they lose someone they love. We all hate that because they don't. They don't understand the relationship we had, they don't understand me and what they meant to me and how I process grief. You don't know, you probably think you know but those are your feelings, not mine and how I manage them is not how you would.

Please don't take this as me being an inconsiderate asshole or whatever. I mean this as genuinely as you mean your statement. Just listen. No need to relate it to yourself or your life, that wont do anything for me. If you dont know what to say or do, just listen and be there. Ask simple questions. Offer to go out for coffee. Simple things like that. I will open up to you when I am ready. Just listen and be there.

The 5 things I lost from surviving a suicide attempt

I have had major depression for the majority of my life. I am now on the verge of 38, married for over a dozen years, two awesome kids, been hospitalized for my depression and have attempted to take my own life. I thought that after my attempt I would have a revitalized spirit for life and being alive, but that wasn't the case. I thought I would gain some sense of purpose or have some wild existential beliefs.. but alas... here I am... still depressed. Even though I didn't lose my life, I still lost numerous things as a result of my attempt.

1) I lost the trust of my family. I can no longer have a bad day without getting a leering eye that there is something more to it. They don't trust me with pills. They don't trust me to be alone for extended amounts of time. They don't trust me when I tell them I am going to be ok. They don't trust me when I say "I won't do it again." I have lost their trust.

2) I lost faith in myself - I never thought I would go to that extreme. I always thought I was stronger than that. Suicide has always been a solution in my mind but it was a line that I never thought that I would cross. I always thought I had enough coping skills to manage it on my own. I thought they were just intrusive thoughts that I would NEVER act on. I feel in a sense, I let myself down. I don't trust myself anymore now

3) I lost time - when you attempt to take your life and you survive, life doesn't just go on when you wake up. There is a lot of work on the backend of an attempt. Time, in essence, freezes for you and you try and determine how you got there, you take time to develop how you are going to move forward. The world continues to spin. But now things are different for me and I need to rearrange accordingly. I lost precious time with my kids. I missed shopping for kindergarten supplies with my son for his first day of school because I was in treatment. I missed important family time when my aunt passed away because I was trying to put the pieces back together. I missed mornings with my family. I missed meetings at work because I was at dr. appointments. Some are more mundane and some are important, but there still is time that I lost that I will never get back. 

4) I lost friends - Everyone appears to try and be supportive and for that I am very grateful. However, and understandably so, it was too much for some people to digest and accept. While some were concerned and leaning in to help and be there for me, others, were walking away, seemingly too much for them to internalize or accept. I don't know how they perceive me now and I wish I could tell them that I am still me but I can't expect everyone to understand. They have since moved on but I still think about them 

5) I lost perspective - I used to have a good idea on what was important in life and have priorities and perspective. All of that has changed. I used to prioritize family, work, music, my dogs etc. Now... I don't know what is important. The focus is day-to-day. None of the big stuff carries the same weight as it used to. Work has become a necessary evil that I struggle to find motivation and energy to put  any considerable effort into. Family has become a repetitious chore that I mindlessly go through the motions to get the kids off to school and in bed. My dogs have been neglected - don't remember the last time they got a good walk out of me. Everyday I have imagine how what I am currently doing would be different had I completed suicide. How would things be different?  Life feels like it is a blur and I don't know how to get back to life before.


I am very grateful that my attempt was not successful. I truly did gain an appreciation for little things in life and I can honestly say I am happy to be here. I hope to never be in that dark place again and since my attempt I have been seeing a therapist 2x a month,  my psychiatrist monthly and attending a support group every week - this keeps me focused on my recovery and my own mental wellness.

I may have lost a lot from my attempt, but I didn't lose what was most important.

Stomp Out Suicide

A few weeks ago I did the Stomp Out Suicide 5K. I raised over $2,500 for the cause and had a team of about 15 people attend the event. It felt incredible yet sad. My best friend Rick from Illinois and his wife and 2 kids came up on short notice to participate. I haven't seen him in almost 3 years. It was so wonderful to see him. I miss him. We both went through a major bout of depression together when we were 17. It meant the world that they took time out of their life to come and support me. My good friend Eric came down from Roseau Minnesota. Some of my best friends locally joined as well. I truly felt loved and supported - which was awesome because when I was going through my relapse in 2017, I didnt feel supported except for my wife and parents. The outpouring of encouraging words, financial donations and good vibes was not unnoticed and had a very positive and profound effect on me.

It was about an hour away in Wyoming Minnesota. We got in the car with my dad and our 2 kids (ages 6 and 2) and set off for Wyoming. When we approached the park it was in, the area had a very small town feel. Not very corporate and a lot of frontage roads that would lead you to your local gas station. We turn the corner towards the event and there are cars everywhere! Both sides of the road and signs directing you where to go. We drove what seemed like an extra mile or so just to find a parking spot in a field somewhere. I was surprised at how many cars were there. I guess I didnt know what to expect but I was extremely surprised. We got out of the car and walked a good mile to the event meeting up with my friend Jackie along the way. When we arrived, there were people everywhere. Estimates were around 1,800 people. I felt this warm sensation in my heart and felt good that so many people were acknowledging this epidemic and here to do something about it! What stigma right?! But then you start to put things together and start realizing that ALL of these people have been impacted by someones suicide. The chain of impact and how many people are deeply affected by one persons actions is scary and frankly sad. The majority of the people who took their own life (90%) most likely had a mental illness. At some point, these people probably felt alone, worthless, and meaningless without anyone caring about them. This was a picture of quite the opposite. If only they knew now what they meant.

I ran into my friend PT who runs the #Livin foundation and was the emcee. He is a fantastic guy who lives and breathes fighting the mental illness stigma and suicide prevention. His energy and passion for the cause is very contagious and infectious. I would like to become more involved with #livin if time allows. He is doing some wonderful things and I feel the calling to become involved in some organization but I haven't decided if it would be Livin, NAMI or Face It.... or maybe my own?

We all lined up after we got our shirts and waited for the start of the race. The majority of us walked it - one friend of mine, Morgan, ran it. The walk itself was very cathartic and empowering. I could feel the sense of community and purpose during the walk. Even though my daughter was being a pill and making it difficult to stay focused and participate, it is all a part of life that we have to learn to love.  It wasn't very challenging or difficult overall. It was actually really nice. It was gorgeous out and I had some of my best friends there to chat with so it was a great day. But in the back of your head, I knew why I was there.

I was there to help ensure that there are services provided for those that need it... so others don't get into the same place I was... and if they did, there would be help to get them out of it. I was there because I might need the services later. My family might need it. I came very close to ending my own life. I came close to not being there for the walk. I came close to not experiencing the happiness, joy and love I did on that day. Looking back, it scares me. How one can slip out of your own mind and be controlled by something intangible yet so powerful.  I was there to tell Suicide that I am better and stronger than it. I am bigger than it. I can do something about it. I can conquer it and I have a community and family that has my back.

At the end of the 5K, we all gathered around the stage and listened to the keynote by a singer from The Voice Kat Perkins. She sang a song called "You are not alone" and in the middle of it, we all let go of the balloons we were holding. Just picture thousands of balloons. It was incredibly moving. You couldn't help but think of all the people lost to suicide and the balloons representing them.

Overall it was a really moving and good time. Sad to see how many people are affected by it. I am working everyday to stay on this side of things but it is difficult but having the support of my family and friends on this day is something I can look back on and appreciate in desperate times.

My story

I was asked by Faceit to tell my story at the monthly breakfast. It was great to tell my story and hopefully inspire others. Below the is story I told:

I guess I have had depression ever since I was in my teens. The thing is, I was raised in a very stable family. They were and are still very supportive and I have no history of trauma or abuse. I remember being 15 and just being sad for no reason and having a really low self-esteem then 16 came along and so did the suicidal thoughts. I tried to mask my depression with drugs and alcohol. It worked for a little bit but my grades suffered severely. When I was 16 I had a suicide pact with my best friend. We had planned to kill ourselves together. You see there was this big hill by my house that you could oversee the city and into Minneapolis from it. It was my favorite place to bring girls…. We both decided that was the place we wanted to die. We both scrounged up all the pain killers we could find in our house and each had a bottle of sleeping pills. We waited for a night when our parents were gone to do it. As he was leaving his house to meet me at the hill, his mom came home unexpectedly. So that put a halt on our plans. We decided it was probably best if we did it on our own. So one night, I took all the pain medication I could find and the last of the sleeping pills (13 sleeping pills I recall) I wrote a note to my family, placed it under my pillow and laid down for a final sleep. Well obviously I woke up. I was pissed… and felt like crap It was a gut rot I cannot explain. It was miserable. I couldn’t really do anything for a few days. I didn’t tell my parents what I had done. They still don’t know to this day. After a few days the pain went away. I was still depressed and even more depressed now that I was still alive. Being depressed sucks. You are constantly tired and even on the days you want to feel happy and good, you can’t force yourself to. I realized that I had enough feeling like crap I asked my parents for help and they got me to a psychologist and a psychiatrist. From there I was prescribed Prozac. After a few weeks, things got much better. I still struggled in school but I was staying away from drugs and alcohol and wasn’t depressed.

I graduated high school and that following year, I wanted to move off of Prozac. I did fairly well off of it. At that time I thought my depression was just a part of the tumultuous teenage years and hormones etc. I was living a decent life off of it. I was going to college and excelling – for once in my life! However, I hit 26 and all of a sudden I started to get very anxious about social settings. I became very recluse and avoided people at all costs. I just wanted to be by myself. It didn’t feel like depression but it had some similarities. After my wife mentioned something to me and encouraged me to get help, I went and saw my Dr and they put me back on Prozac. After a few weeks, I started to feel normal again. Becoming more social, going to concerts etc. That depression can be tricky… this time it manifested itself as anxiety.

Fast forward to 2017. I have been married now for 11 years, have 2 kids, have a good paying job, I have a great house in the suburbs, 2 incredible dogs. Life. Is. Good. But little did I know… the bottom was about the drop out…. I start to become dissatisfied with elements of life. The old thoughts start slowly creeping back into my head.  I can’t put my finger on it, but something isn’t right. It can’t be my depression coming back as I take my meds religiously! It must be my job…. Or my marriage… or my kids. Whatever it is, I don’t want any of it anymore. I just want out. I start having crying bouts in the bathroom at work. I lack all motivation – I want to sleep all day. I call in sick just to sleep. I have suicidal thoughts constantly. Looking out the windows of my office building thinking of jumping, going to buy a gun, running my car into a bridge, take an OD on pills. Whatever it takes to leave this world. I try and change my mindset and think my way out of this…. So I thought about my kids and wife. Eff it… my kids are better off without me. They will get a nice life insurance policy from my employer, our house and debt will be paid off and have a nice savings nugget for college. They will all be better off.  I remember my daughter running up to me when I came home one day with her arms open yelling “DADDY!” This should have had an effect on me but I didn’t feel anything. Nothing.

I have anger and resentment this time. It isn’t just sadness. Where is this coming from? What is the catalyst to this?  I take aim at my wife. It has to be her. I am convinced that things have changed. I actually tell her that I don’t love her anymore. This crushes her heart and to this day, I would give anything to have those words back. She storms out of the room and we separate for the night. I remember crying on the couch thinking this is as good as time as any to die. The next morning she can tell something is wrong with me she comes to me and says “whatever you are going though, I am here to support you.” At that moment I realized, it isn’t her… it is ME. That depression demon is back! God how could I be so oblivious to it! We talk and I tell her that I have been having major suicidal thoughts and plans and that my depression is back. The guilt we both feel about not recognizing it is massive. We both have experienced depression in the past, how did we both miss this?  Leading up to this, there was irregular behavior on my part – extravagant spending, confusing and weird speak from me, being distant to her and the kids… things that she wish she had picked up on.

From there, life went on pause. I got an urgent appointment with a psychiatrist and a therapist. They started the intake process of getting me into the hospitalization program at Regions. I honestly don’t remember a whole lot from those days. It all blurs together and it is hard to think about. Turns out after about 10-12 years, Prozac can just stop working. I was in my 11^th year on it.

It has been almost a year since my discharge from Regions. I am in a much better place now. After a lot of emotional and mental work I feel stable.  I learned a lot there that I still employ to battle my depression. They give you an entire arsenal of tools and you just find the ones that work best for you. Getting back to reality was more difficult than I had anticipated. I still face the battles but try not to let it lead me down the dark abyss of depression

Throughout this ordeal – I have learned 3 major things about recovery –

1)      Recovery is not linear – it goes up, down, sideways, backwards etc. and that is OK. It may seem like 2 steps forward and 3 steps back but you are learning how to make steps forward and soon those steps forward will become more permanent.

2)      Recovery is Multifaceted – Recovery (to me) isn’t just about popping pills and hoping for the best. It is staying vigilant on my recovery. Even on the nights that I feel really good and don’t think I need to go to Faceit and deal with Dan again, I do it. I do it because it keeps recovery at the forefront of my mind and focused on it. It reminds me that I still do have this disease and I need to work on it, every day. So medication, support groups, talk therapy and music are the four legs of my recovery foundation. I want to attack this from multiple levels and find new ways and methods of coping. I don’t know if I will ever be cured from this but I have a good support system and structure to help me lead a semi-normal life.

3)      Patience and Persistence – Recovery isn’t possible without being patient and persistent. Unfortunately, recovery from a severe mental health crisis doesn’t happen overnight. It can take time for our body and mind to adjust and heal. I have to constantly remind myself of this. My mind is relearning how to work and I am teaching myself how to cope. It takes time. Being patient with mental illness is a major struggle. When in the darkness, you never can imagine life outside of it and can’t imagine things getting better, but it can get better. It just takes time.  I know not everyone is a proponent of medication. It has worked wonders for me but I know it is not for everybody. Those 3 months of waiting to see if a medication is going to work is awful and can increase the anxiety. Playing craps with different meds is frustrating and irritating but I am at a point now where I feel stable with the meds I am on and I am thankful that I was persistent in finding a combination that worked for me and didn’t give up after one didn’t work.