Time for an update

It has been a while since I have posted an update. Things have been going fairly well lately. I have been keeping up with my meds, going to group, seeing my therapist etc. Doing everything that I said I would do. I am adding 2 new things into my recovery process. I am adding an exercise element. Just to get me off my ass. Hit the gym a few times a week and take the dogs for more walks. I need it and they need it so that should be good. I also joined another support group. This one is put on by NAMI. Probably a little more formal than the FaceIt one I go to. I like Faceit but I dont feel like I am getting a whole lot out of it. Not many people talk much and it ends up kind of boring. I feel like I am able to help others but I am not getting anything in return if that makes sense. I like the guys that run it and believe in their mission. I just dont know how much I am benefitting from it. So maybe by attending the NAMI one I will be able to compare and get something out of it. We will see.

Things with my wife are getting better. We had some issues the past week. One of my friends got married and asked me to be in the wedding as the Best man. I obliged as that is something you don't say no to. I don't see us as being THAT close but I wanted to be there for him. This is his second marriage and he met his new wife while he was still married to his 1st wife and my wife is adamant that he cheated on her and so she doesn't support the marriage at all. I agree that cheating is not right but their marriage was dead anyway and he is incredibly happy now and married her so whatever. The wedding was adult only (no kids) so this was the perfect reason for her to miss the wedding. It felt really weird without her there and doing it stag. I got tired of deflecting on why Jessica wasnt there. I really wish she would have gone and supported me and spent time with me. It would have been a great date night either way.

Thats it for now.

A day in the life of the depressed mind

I wake up around 5am and go let the dogs out. It is still too early to be up up so I lay on the couch and try and go back to sleep. I can as the couch has Legos, a random spoon, a blanket with old milk dried on it, and the cushions wont stay in place. So I go upstairs back to my bed. I lay there with a dog at my feet. I wonder if she knows what I am feeling or thinking. Either way - she knows I am not feeling great. I close my eyes and imagine where I could go to easily, quickly and painlessly take my own life. This makes me feel calm and I am able to shut my eyes and rest for another hour before I have to get up. I imagine a place like the back of a hospital or the side of a funeral home. You know, someplace to make it easy for all parties involved. I have looked up the price of Crime Scene cleanup crews - that is not a burden I would like to leave with my family. I would probably call the police before I did it so they could find me quickly and notify my family. All these thoughts help me get some much needed sleep. I get up about an hour later and shuffle my way into the bathroom. I begrudgingly get in the shower and let the water wake me up a little bit. I look over and see my tattoo that says "How we survive is what makes us who we are." I am hit with a little bit of inspiration and motivation for the day. Just enough to get my showerly duties completed and get dressed. After I am dressed I try and find something to eat but usually can only find a dying banana and the bottom 8th of a gallon of milk which should have been thrown out days ago. I head upstairs brush my teeth and take out my pills for the day. 300mgs of WellButrin and 40mgs of Lexapro. That should do it today! Primp my hair and I am ready for the day. I get the kids in the car and shuttle them off to day care where I am told stories about Pokemon and Nerf guns. I try to drown them out with the talk radio but they always seem to talk louder. Once the kids are dropped off I head into work. I start driving and turn on some music to get me in a good mood. A guy cuts me off and I resist the urge to give him the finger. I stop at a light to turn left. I see a semi coming and wonder if I would die on impact if the truck T-boned me? Whoa - cant think about that now. I have a job to go to. I find a more uplifting song to listen to. I get to work and park my car. I sit in my car for a minute just to mentally prepare. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. My job isnt that stressful, I just dont like it that much and want to stay calm and positive. I arrive at my desk. The office is really quiet. The culture here sucks. No one really talks to each other. I am not greated with any "Good mornings" or anything like that. Just silence. I sit down and boot up. While my computer boots up I peruse my social media feeds on my phone. I like a few things, read a few things. Just get a quick glance into the world that is today. I get booted up and start working... which just involves emails and more emails. I look out the window at the bustling morning traffic on 494. It looks much cooler from afar than actually being in it. It quickly crosses my mind about what kind of glass is this? How thick is it? I could probably break it if I jumped through it right? How far of fall would that be? Oh a new email! I refocus on my work. I put in my headphones as the guy across from me wont stop hacking. I have a friend IM me asking me how I am doing. This is tricky.... how am I doing as a normal nicety? or does she really mean how am I doing? Hmmm.... well I guess it doesnt matter because I am going to answer it the same way. "I am doing ok today... how about you?" (whew dodged that bullet) I move on and then I start to think.... hmm how am I doing really? I feel pretty good. I am moderately happy...could I be happier? Sure who couldn't? So I move on. Next thing I get an email reminding me I have support group tonight. I start to think... should I really go? I don't need it. I would rather just go home and lay on the couch and watch Impractical Jokers reruns while the kids play outside. No i should really go. I like the group and it gets me out of the house. OK so I am going to group. Ahh fuck... that means I have to deal with traffic. Dammit. Maybe I will leave early to avoid it and go hang out. Either way, it will give me some alone time.

Lunch time comes. Finally! I wait until everyone else has gone and then go downstairs by myself. I like to avoid work conversations and the forced chit-chat. Just let me eat. I grab something real quick and head back to my desk hoping to not be spotted by the few friendly coworkers that I do have. After lunch I head to my staff meeting. It is with my boss and 2 other co workers. We sit around and talk about what is going on and just an informal touchbase. I envision how the meeting would go if he had to tell the others that I took my own life. What would he say? How would he say it? How would they react? Would they react? To me these are normal thoughts.... are they not? I go back to my desk and work/surf the internet for a few more hours then head up to my group. Traffic is at a standstill. I turn on the comedy station to help my mind wander away from the frustration. I am going to be late. I know it is going to be ok but I still HATE being late. I end up getting to my group 2 minutes before the start. I chat with some of the guys and grab a cookie. We have a good meeting. It is a bunch of dudes that are depressed like me and just need a place to talk about it. We talk about triggers, check ins, things that help, things that dont, suicide, medications, meditation, sleep, sex, wives, childhood. We chat about it all. The two hours go by quick. I get into my car and head home. There is no traffic and I turn up my music and enjoy the next hour drive by myself. I reflect on the day thinking "today wasnt too bad." I am not excited for tomorrow but I have learned to just work with today. I get home and say hi to my wife and dogs. Watch a little TV, have some ice cream and then go upstairs and lay in bed. I meditate for 20 minutes to relax and free my mind up. I do some deep breathing try to focus on getting to sleep. I toss and turn for a little bit. Within 20 minutes I am asleep and I am on my way to doing the day all over again.

Random thoughts on suicide

There has been a lot of press lately on suicide with the high profile suicides lately. Also, last week, my friend's father committed suicide at age 66. With everything in the media, it has really brought it to the forefront of my mind. My mind has been swirling lately. Just watching the devastation that suicide causes and the ripple effect it has on so many people. It truly gives me perspective on it and helps me get a better understanding of it and in some way, acts as a deterrent. It may sound weird, but they always tell you to think about your family when you are going through depression and contemplating suicide or having ideations. I have been there. Thinking about your family doesn't do much. It can actually have the opposite effect. I remember thinking and believing that my family would actually be better off without me around. This is the way that depression lies to us and our brains. Being on the outside and in a good place mentally, I can start to delve into and digest peoples stories of grieving. Hopefully I can recall these narratives and stories when I am in a dark place.

The other day, after the 2 high profile suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, my friend's father hanged himself at 66 years of age. Turns out my friends father had struggled a long time with substance abuse and mental issues. They had been trying to get help for him and trying different programs, doctors and treatment strategies. I guess things just didnt work and he decided to end his life. I cannot blame him for what he did. I have been there. I know how it feels. On some strange level, I am a little jealous. His pain and depression is now over.  He is at peace. He will never face the reality of another relapse, never have to talk to another dr, shrink, therapist about his issues, feelings. He will never feel judged again. He will never have to try a new medication and see if it works, never wake up fearing to face the day again. There is something about that that makes me feel content for him. I also feel that with more help or the right medication and support, he could have made it through this and gotten to this side of happiness. I am very happy that I never completed the act of suicide even though I wanted to at the time.


At the same time - I feel scared. I feel very scared. I fear that this will be a demon that I will continue to face for the rest of my life. I think I always knew it would be but facing the reality of it strikes a chord within me. I will ALWAYS have to monitor my mental health and stability. I will most likely always been in some sort of counseling, therapy or support group to work through this. I will be on medication potentially as well. You hear these stories of older people (+50) taking their own life and I just wonder if that is my fate? All I can say is that I am trying everything I can to prevent another relapse and follow through on all my recovery and I guess right now, that is all I can do.

So where do we go from here? The more I get involved into suicide prevention causes and care, the more I feel I can help. It is a passion of mine and I want to help others understand that help is available and it is possible to feel better and that it quite possibly is only a temporary emotion you are facing. I am looking into volunteering at NAMI this year and maybe telling my story to others. I feel I could help. So that is what I am going to do. Help in this battle and cause. I feel for once in my life I could actually do some good.

Tapering and moving forward

I have been tapering off my Prozac and taking Lexapro instead. My appetite is decreasing and I have lost 5 pounds since I dropped the Prozac. I am feeling more active and maybe a little more happy but it is was too soon to call this the right mix.I guess only time will tell.
The fallout from my drug-stashing-confession has died a little. My wife is holding on to my meds and regularly checking that I am taking them and amounts are there. I don't anticipate this going on for a long time but it feels good to know she cares and is checking on it.  It does kind of feel like she is being my keeper but I think on some level I need that and appreciate it. I have my next appointment with my therapist in a week and she invited Jessica to come with so we can talk about what has transpired and how do we move forward, how should Jessica deal with this and possibly dig deeper into the significance and meaning of it. I am not too sure what to make of it and what to expect but I really like my therapist and think it can only be for the best.

Speaking of therapy, Jessica and I are starting back at marriage counseling in a few weeks. We are going back to address what has all transpired between us and really focus on how we move forward. We have made some significant progress in our relationship but there are some wounds that need to be addressed and other. Since my breakdown was most likely the catalyst for the marriage discontentment - I have moved past that for the most part with some wafting here and there and the feelings I was having before are no longer there. Looking  back, I didn't want anything back then. I have since realized the strength of our relationship and all the sacrifices and effort my wife put into my recovery and it helped tremendously. I will never understand the level of love and care she has for me in order to do everything she did and still does to aid in my recovery. I am truly lucky and blessed to have her. I know her well enough to expect nothing less but my therapist keeps reminding me of how good I have got it. I just wish there was a way that I could adequately and appropriately thank her. I guess focusing on recovery and pushing forward is probably the best thing. 

I had the opportunity to run my men's support group this week. I have been going to this Depressed Men's support group for about 6 months now. I really like it. It gives me a chance to hear how other guys in the same situation deal with their depression but also share my experiences and what I have learned. The leader of the group was out of town and instead of cancelling it, he asked me to lead it. I was a little shocked, a little scared, a little flattered and a little excited. I have wanted to be more active in helping others with their struggles and use my story to potentially help others with theirs. Only about half the group showed up so it was a good starting point for me - took some of the pressure off. It came pretty easy for me to lead the group and just keep the conversation going and getting others to participate. I think I did a fairly decent job. Next time I will probably bring a list of topics to talk about just in case of the dreaded silence. I am happy they gave me the opportunity and I enjoyed it. I could see myself getting more involved with the foundation. 

Well..... I think that is all for now. I know it is a lot and more to come. I am trying to blog more often so we will see how this goes. I am in my living room right now and the kids are playing and I am just sitting here typing away. Sometimes life can be ok, we just need to stop and embrace it and remember that. 

Song of the day - The Best that I Can - Emerson Hart

"If you're reading this then I am long gone. Wish I had the strength to prove you wrong."

Staring at the face of a faceless thing

So... a lot has transpired over the last few days. I was honest with my wife about not taking my pills all the time and that opened up a huge can of worms. I haven't really told anyone this but I have been stock piling the pills I don't take and keep them as a sort of "safety net".... meaning that if push comes to shove, I have an out in overdosing and dying. I have a good month worth of pills. Who knows if that is even enough to get the job done but to me it was comforting knowing there was something there if I needed a way out. After I told my wife that, she insisted I tell my therapist. Fortunately, I had an appointment with her today and so I told her and that opened up more questions and concerns. Why didn't I tell anyone? Why did I feel the need to do this? There are more (and easier/better) ways to kill oneself so what is it about this way that is attractive? I wish I had answers to this. The only answer I have is that suicide has always been a solution to me. It has always been in my head as a way out. Sometimes it is the first response, sometimes it is a last resort. But for as long as I can remember, it has been in my brain as an option. So I don't know. I guess I didn't want to tell anyone as it was just my little secret not that I was ever planning on doing it. It was just my little safety net. Why should I tell people... just so they can be more worried about me? I know I am not a threat to myself and wasn't in danger so I didn't feel it was necessary to tell anyone.It didn't feel like a genuine threat to my well-being. I guess I was wrong. Now I am siting her trying to debrief all these feelings and questions. I think I have broken some trust with my wife. I can understand why too. I don't blame her. I cant imagine what it is like hearing your partner keep talking about suicide and wanting to die. I just wish she could be in my mind to know how it feels and get a better understanding of how my mind works. I think that is what everyone wants because it is something we will never understand or be able to do.

Along with that, I actually changed all my meds. I finally got off Prozac and Abilify. I am now on Lexapro and Wellbutrin. It was about time to get off of Prozac. That and Abilify both have weight gaining properties to it so maybe I will lose some of this weight too not that I am really concerned about it. I will deal with that when the time is right. I have been on Prozac for 12 + years. It was time to try something new I am a little nervous to see how it goes but excited to see if it does work. I want to be good/happy again. I miss it. I miss having energy and being able to sleep and smile. I will keep the blog updated as I start this new medication adventure!

Song of the day - Hurricane - Emerson Hart

"I've learned not to touch what I love Everything that I touch will get burned. "

March Snowstorm post

I am sitting here in my living room, watching the snow bury us outside, my kids and wife in the other room playing, Rise Against playing and just sitting here thinking. It has been a long time since I sat down and journaled and right now felt just right. I come to this post with a guilty conscience. I have to let it out somewhere so here is where it is going to live. Over the past 2 months, I have NOT been as regular on my meds as I should be. I have been going off of them for a week or so on purpose to see what effect it has on me. Basically I feel like I am testing my recovery.... are the meds really working or is a placebo? Also, I wanted to see the effect it had on my appetite (both for food and sex....not together). My desire for sex shot up when I was off my meds and I slept better, I wasn't waking up in the middle of the night either. It was really nice. But I did find myself getting in a funk easily and having a short fuse. My energy level was ok. Since I was sleeping better, I wasn't as tired. It was an interesting thing to do but way to risky I know and I need to just get back on being regular on the meds. I think I will bring it up to my Psychiatrist the next appointment I have with her.

Last week I had a friend from treatment reach out to me and tell me she was in a bad spot. Very suicidal and felt alone and scared. We ended up talking until about 3 am that night just texting through things like her feelings and how to cope with them. One thing you should know about me is that if I won the lottery and didn't have to work, I would dedicate all my time to helping people with suicide prevention and talking them through their crisis. So I felt, here is my chance to jump right in and give it a go. She is a good friend who has always been there for me. We usually check in with each other regularly and make sure we are good. MAN was this draining. Everything I told her to try and do was falling short and not working. I felt compelled to help her. So I dug deep. I felt like an actor... I got myself into character and tried to get into the depressed mindset to remember what it is like so I could think of what else would work to get her out of it. It only took a few minutes for me to sink in to the abyss. I got in deep. I put myself in the mindset and could feel myself mentally digging into the darkness.  I started to feel depressed and desperate again and it didnt feel good but I kept going. I remember hitting it and amazed at how fast I could get there. My mentality changed quickly. I was alone, it was dark - it was perfect to drag myself into the abyss. As quickly as it took for me to get into it - It took a good 2 days to get up out of it. It hasn't deterred me away from doing what I want to do, I just need more training on how to deal with it and not "swim too far without a line" as my psychologist said. At the end, my friend was ok. She is getting the help she needs and adjusting meds and working through things which is good. It was a scary time for me. Moreso that I allowed myself to get dragged into the dark depression that quickly. I thought I kept it more guarded but apparently not. It was a good representation of how far I have come though too. It took some time for me to get to that place that I used to be at daily - so that is a good thing and a good show of progress. I still want to help people so this was a good test and a Good lesson to be learned.

2 days ago I got my second tattoo. This one is on my right forearm and says In Hope with the kids birthdates in Roman Numerals below it. It is based off a Boysetsfire song about hoping the best for your kids and doing everything to guard them from experiencing what you yourself have gone through. Mine is very depression based. Knowing that my wife and I both have depression, our kids are fucked so I want to make sure I remind myself to teach them and guide them how to deal with feelings of despair and depression in their life. I am really happy with the way it turned out.  I have a few more tattoos planned but I think I am going to wait awhile now. Having both my forearms with tattoos, I think is quite the change for one year. Although they are addicting. I have the next 4 planned out in my mind already.

Song of the day - If It Takes a Lifetime - Jason Isbell

"I thought that I was running to but I was running from. "

Work Schmirk

I am sitting here at my desk trying to avoid doing work. Avoiding work is something I am really good at. I have mastered that craft here at the bank. Now, it didn't just come to me overnight - I had to work at it and practice! Although, I really don't know what I would do if I actually wanted to work. Things here are very weird. Everyone acts really busy but nothing ever really gets done. I don't know what that is all about so I just figured I would journal for the day. Things have been going OK. Nothing major to write about on the depression front. The new dosage of Abilify seems to be working well. I am getting my desire back so that is awesome... now if I could just have an outlet for it that would be great. I sat down with my boss the other day and wanted to know if he has noticed any changes in me. It has been a good 4 months since I came out of treatment. Admittedly now, I came back to work sooner than I should have. I felt I was ready but looking back, I needed more time to just digest everything I learned and took in in treatment. Like I said, I am 4 months out and just starting to feel like the new normal is finally setting in. I guess I am just lucky that my family and my work has stayed by my side the whole time. Back to the convo with my boss - he says that the last month has been really good and he has seen a lot of improvement from me and my dedication to the job. That was good to hear but I honestly don't know how committed and dedicated I am to the job and the company. I can't foresee myself being a banker long term but I will take the benefits they give me and use them to get my life in order and maintain my current lifestyle until something else comes along. So things at home are getting better, things at work are finally getting better and I am feeling better. This is a good start to the year!