March Snowstorm post

I am sitting here in my living room, watching the snow bury us outside, my kids and wife in the other room playing, Rise Against playing and just sitting here thinking. It has been a long time since I sat down and journaled and right now felt just right. I come to this post with a guilty conscience. I have to let it out somewhere so here is where it is going to live. Over the past 2 months, I have NOT been as regular on my meds as I should be. I have been going off of them for a week or so on purpose to see what effect it has on me. Basically I feel like I am testing my recovery.... are the meds really working or is a placebo? Also, I wanted to see the effect it had on my appetite (both for food and sex....not together). My desire for sex shot up when I was off my meds and I slept better, I wasn't waking up in the middle of the night either. It was really nice. But I did find myself getting in a funk easily and having a short fuse. My energy level was ok. Since I was sleeping better, I wasn't as tired. It was an interesting thing to do but way to risky I know and I need to just get back on being regular on the meds. I think I will bring it up to my Psychiatrist the next appointment I have with her.

Last week I had a friend from treatment reach out to me and tell me she was in a bad spot. Very suicidal and felt alone and scared. We ended up talking until about 3 am that night just texting through things like her feelings and how to cope with them. One thing you should know about me is that if I won the lottery and didn't have to work, I would dedicate all my time to helping people with suicide prevention and talking them through their crisis. So I felt, here is my chance to jump right in and give it a go. She is a good friend who has always been there for me. We usually check in with each other regularly and make sure we are good. MAN was this draining. Everything I told her to try and do was falling short and not working. I felt compelled to help her. So I dug deep. I felt like an actor... I got myself into character and tried to get into the depressed mindset to remember what it is like so I could think of what else would work to get her out of it. It only took a few minutes for me to sink in to the abyss. I got in deep. I put myself in the mindset and could feel myself mentally digging into the darkness.  I started to feel depressed and desperate again and it didnt feel good but I kept going. I remember hitting it and amazed at how fast I could get there. My mentality changed quickly. I was alone, it was dark - it was perfect to drag myself into the abyss. As quickly as it took for me to get into it - It took a good 2 days to get up out of it. It hasn't deterred me away from doing what I want to do, I just need more training on how to deal with it and not "swim too far without a line" as my psychologist said. At the end, my friend was ok. She is getting the help she needs and adjusting meds and working through things which is good. It was a scary time for me. Moreso that I allowed myself to get dragged into the dark depression that quickly. I thought I kept it more guarded but apparently not. It was a good representation of how far I have come though too. It took some time for me to get to that place that I used to be at daily - so that is a good thing and a good show of progress. I still want to help people so this was a good test and a Good lesson to be learned.

2 days ago I got my second tattoo. This one is on my right forearm and says In Hope with the kids birthdates in Roman Numerals below it. It is based off a Boysetsfire song about hoping the best for your kids and doing everything to guard them from experiencing what you yourself have gone through. Mine is very depression based. Knowing that my wife and I both have depression, our kids are fucked so I want to make sure I remind myself to teach them and guide them how to deal with feelings of despair and depression in their life. I am really happy with the way it turned out.  I have a few more tattoos planned but I think I am going to wait awhile now. Having both my forearms with tattoos, I think is quite the change for one year. Although they are addicting. I have the next 4 planned out in my mind already.

Song of the day - If It Takes a Lifetime - Jason Isbell

"I thought that I was running to but I was running from. "

Work Schmirk

I am sitting here at my desk trying to avoid doing work. Avoiding work is something I am really good at. I have mastered that craft here at the bank. Now, it didn't just come to me overnight - I had to work at it and practice! Although, I really don't know what I would do if I actually wanted to work. Things here are very weird. Everyone acts really busy but nothing ever really gets done. I don't know what that is all about so I just figured I would journal for the day. Things have been going OK. Nothing major to write about on the depression front. The new dosage of Abilify seems to be working well. I am getting my desire back so that is awesome... now if I could just have an outlet for it that would be great. I sat down with my boss the other day and wanted to know if he has noticed any changes in me. It has been a good 4 months since I came out of treatment. Admittedly now, I came back to work sooner than I should have. I felt I was ready but looking back, I needed more time to just digest everything I learned and took in in treatment. Like I said, I am 4 months out and just starting to feel like the new normal is finally setting in. I guess I am just lucky that my family and my work has stayed by my side the whole time. Back to the convo with my boss - he says that the last month has been really good and he has seen a lot of improvement from me and my dedication to the job. That was good to hear but I honestly don't know how committed and dedicated I am to the job and the company. I can't foresee myself being a banker long term but I will take the benefits they give me and use them to get my life in order and maintain my current lifestyle until something else comes along. So things at home are getting better, things at work are finally getting better and I am feeling better. This is a good start to the year!

If not now....when?

Here I am a couple weeks into 2018. Things are going ok. Not great and not horrible. Like I told my Psychiatrist, I feel just content. Content with life. The thing is, I dont know if that is acceptable or not. I guess I need to figure out what is acceptable and what isnt. What level do I want to be at? I am pretty sure I don't want to be buried in just content. I can do better. I have been on both sides of contentment and I miss the positive side. That being said, we adjusted my medications again. We doubled my Abilify dosage. We will see what that does. I am really concerned because since I started Abilify I have gained almost 45 pounds. It is just so uncomfortable and irritating. I did some research and found out that this is a major side effect that people complain about. People usually gain 50 lbs on it. Ugg... this is not what I needed. I have been trying to exercise more and eat less/more healthy but it is hard when you are constantly hungry. Waking up in the middle of the night starving has probably been a huge contributor to the weight gain. I just keep telling myself that this is only temporary and I can get the weight to go away later.... I think my weight gain also serves as a discouragement for others who want to get help. I have a friend who probably should go on medication for her anxiety and depression but she is so scared of gaining weight that she refuses. I will say that yes gaining the weight sucks but not feeling like I want to die everyday is a fair trade off I feel!

I had a therapy appointment the other day with my psychologist Emily. I really like her. She is very direct and makes me really think about my recovery and life in different ways. We started talking about going back to couples therapy. Here is the deal - I know that there is a lot of stuff Jessica and I still need to work through but I just don't know if I am ready. I look back at those moments and that time in my life and I am embarrassed for what I said, what I did etc. That wasn't me. I didn't want to be with my wife, I didn't want my kids, I didn't want my job and I didn't want to be alive so I feel like a lot of that cannot be held against me and is very difficult and embarrassing to go back and face. I look at that time as a dark time and I don't want to go back, My whole goal in recovery is to continually move forward and I am frightened of going back into those times so soon and trying to make sense of them. I know it is only fair and I owe it to my wife but I just don't feel like know is the right time. But when is the right time? Next month? Next year? 5 years from now? If not now... when?

Song of the day - Burn Away - Nathan Gray

"After all the death I have dodged to get to where I am, I've come out smiling in the end. "

This will be my year

By all accounts - 2017 was not my best year.... ok so it fucking sucked. It was one of my worst years. I almost lost my marriage, I lost my sanity, I almost lost my life, I lost some family and friends, I lost my faith, I lost my wife's trust, I ended up taking a leave from work to overcome my depression. I really don't know how the year could have gone worse. But, here I am, on New Years Eve, alive and writing this blog entry. I didn't think I would be here but I am.... and I am happy about it.... I think. It has been such a roller coaster. I honestly don't know what to think. It has been 3 months since I got out of my hospitalization program. I feel I have made some good progress but still a lot to go. Not only for my own recovery but there are a lot of wounds that need to be healed for both me and my wife. I am not 100% sure I am ready to take that on right now. I am not saying it isn't important or a priority, I just don't know if I have the emotional bandwidth and capacity to pile that on but it needs to happen sooner or later. Maybe it is like the concept of having kids, you never feel you are ready until you are in it... so maybe I won't ever be ready to delve into the abyss of healing until I get there. To be honest, I haven't been so great with my recovery. I have been doing a little meditation but that is about it. I am trying to get back into the gym and get an exercise program going. I am starting to read more about mindfulness and how to incorporate it into my life, but right now I am just at the input stage and not actually implementing it into my life - that is next.

I have been trying to think of what I can do in 2018 to better my life, my marriage and my kids' lives. I am not entirely sure how I am going to do it but I need to. First off, for myself, I am going to continue with my plan of therapy e/o week, group on the off weeks and meeting with my P-Doc once a month. That really seems to keep me focused and give the proper attention to recovery. But after that.. what else can I do? I need to really find time to digest and invest. Digest the info that I am getting from support group, my therapist and my Psychiatrist. Really take the time to think it through and attempt to understand and then invest in myself and those parts. Take what they are saying to heart and put them to practice in my life. Easier said than done. I think I need to start taking notes at my therapy sessions so I can remember what all we talked about and things I can work on and do.

I think a big thing I can do is keep working out and eating better. Sure everyone says that but I think it could have a very big impact on me. It is just hard when my medication makes me incredibly hungry all the time, it is hard to eat right and sensibly. Part of me just wants to say "fuck it" Lets get this depression shit under control and then we will worry about physical exercise and losing weight but I am afraid they probably go hand in hand. I don't  know how to jump start it. I can't seem to jump right in. I am trying to just ease in and do the gym 3x a week and do basic cardio shit. That seems to be ok but I need to get it on the calendar or have set nights that I do it so there is no question what I am doing and it is already set aside. Or maybe i just continue to write about it and don't do a fucking thing about it.... I guess the choice is mine at the end of the day.

So here is to 2018. The year of figuring shit out. Figuring out my recovery, figuring out finances, figuring out my job, figuring out life in general. 2017, I am done with you. I am looking back at you with a few lessons that were learned but for the most part, I look at you with disdain. I dont think I could handle another 2017 so 2018 has to be relatively good considering. I have to think of what I am going to call my breakdown.... maybe that is it. Just a major fucking breakdown into the abyss of deep depression. God it fuckin sucks there and it feels good to be out of it so why do I miss it a little bit?

Today has been a good day. I am feeling good and hope to stay this way.

Song of the day - This Will be My Year - Semisonic

"Then you tell yourself, what you want to hear, because you have to believe, this will be my year."

Fighting it off

So it has been a while since I have sat down to blog or just to even think. In the middle of the holidays, I am finding it really hard to take time for self-care and just relax and focus on recovery. So far though... things have been going fairly well. I have been attending all my support groups, all my therapy sessions, regularly taking my medications and all-in-all feeling pretty ok. I know I should be happy about this and for the most part I am. It is just easy to forget about self care and a focus on recovery when you aren't feeling it. It is kind of like when you are feeling sick - you just take the meds until you feel better... not the whole time the doctor tells you to. I feel I am going down the road to recovery smoothly - every so often there is a bump or pothole, but I am at a nice cruising speed... but I still know that the ditch is just to the side of the road and is easy to fall into.

My motivation has been shit lately. It comes and goes. I used to be all about winter and keeping the driveway clean when it snowed but I just don't care anymore. It's not like I have too much other stuff going on.... maybe I am just prioritizing in my head? This morning though, I was on fire. I got the kitchen cleaned, dogs fed, dishes done, got my son up and dressed, showered and all ready to go by 6:45 am. That felt really good. But as I was driving into work I started to get tired and know that around 2 pm I am going to be exhausted. I have to find a way to balance. I also have been really shitty at being physical and exercising. I have the means to but I just cant ever seem to find the motivation or time.

I just spent way too much money on 2 guitars. I bought a 2015 Gold Top Duesenberg from Germany. It is so gorgeous and plays like butter. It is amazing. Then for some reason I bought a 2014 Fender American Special Telecaster. It is awesome. Sunburst with black pick guard. So bad ass. I am not a very good guitar player. I can noodle and get by on a few chords but I am by no means proficient. It has been very helpful to sit and play. Come up with little diddys and riffs or melodies. It sparks the creative part of my brain which I have found to help stave off the negative and dark thoughts. It redirects the thoughts and I find that when I have a guitar in my hand I am more comfortable and relaxed. I know it really bothered my wife that I bought them and she refuses to talk about them. I feel bad about it but going through this year I learned a few things - I have to do what I need to do to build a life worth living and it is ok to sometimes splurge on things that help with recovery. I think my wife knows that but just isnt excited about the fact that I dropped the money on it when we are trying to get out of debt. I want to get something engraved on the guitar... something to remind me of this time in my life and something about letting go and moving forward. I am still trying to figure that out - it is a really sweet and awesome guitar and I want to make sure I am putting the perfect quote on there.

Song of the day - The Last Song I will Write - Jason Isbell

"This is the end of everything - I'm crawling away to the sea."

Patience and Persistence

Patience and persistence  - that is what I have been told gets one through depression... that and good meds I think. I feel that I have been patient but I am having trouble being persistent in my recovery efforts. As things get a little better, I tend to let recovery slide. So in order to overcome that, I finished my Relapse and Recovery prevention plan. It is about 8 pages of my plan to get through recovery and what to do in case of relapse. I laid out the terms of my recovery including eating better, exercising, meditating and journaling at least once a week, regardless of how I am feeling. I figured I could write happy shit too. I am going to have my wife hold me accountable for all that. I also inluded my support team into my plan and I think I need to give them a copy of the plan so they know but I am nervous to do that. I am feeling pretty good right now -  I am laying here in bed, next to my favorite dog Sadie, listening to her snore and Classical MPR. I am feeling in a zone tonight. A little tired, groggy, hungry but clear headed.

I missed my support group this week as I had a work trip to San Francisco and Silicon Valley. I get anxious about missing appointments and groups. I need the structure and support. The trip itself went fairly well. No major episodes or issues. I was actually more social than normal and went out with my boss and coworker to a jazz club after I saw Dave Hause. I kind of forced myself to go out but sometimes you need to do that. It felt good. I finished my Relapse plan on the plane. I am sure the woman next to me was wondering what the hell I was doing but I really dont care what people think anymore. I would be happy to talk about it to anyone. Nothing crazy happened on the work trip. I was gone for 3 days and that seemed like an eternity to my family I think. I missed the kids quite a bit. There was a couple who had a baby on the flight. The baby was probably 9 months old and they were doing everything to keep her calm and quiet. Hearing the baby cry made me really miss Cailin.... yet I get so frustrated and irritated when she is crying in front of me. I guess it is just one of those parent things that can't be explained.

I have come to the conclusion that I need a new job. My current one is fine but it is just killing my soul. It is such a cold culture, no personality and I am not gaining anything from it. I brought it up with my Therapist and she agreed. I want to get back int.o retail in some sort. I miss it. Yes the money etc is good at US Bank but I don't think it is worth it. We are living comfortably enough that I can find something more fitting and satisfying personally. I am learning that I need to take this life I have and live the best of it. I refuse to sit around doing a job that is not satisfying or stimulating. So now that I feel that I am in a better place mentally and feeling stable, I think it is time to that I  start the job search. I appreciate everything that the Bank has done for me and supporting me through everything and I hate to walk away but I truly feel they and I will both be better off . I can tell my boss is getting frustrated with me and my awkward schedules due to Dr appointments etc. I would probably be doing him a favor if I were to walk away. I really like the vendors I work with. They are super good people and I get along with them great - I will miss them the most.

Song of the day - Long Walk Home - Bruce Springsteen

"Hey Pretty darlin don't wait up for me, going to be a long walk home."

It's always darkest before the dawn

{Breathe in}.............{Breathe Out}...........

It has been just over a week since my last relapse. That pushed me to an edge I haven't seen in a while. Being in a position where you know that if you had the resources (gun etc) You would have probably taken your own life is scary to look back on. I am glad I didnt and that is the exact reason I don't own any guns. I don't trust myself enough. But I am here... and I am feeling good.... well pretty good for the most part. They changed my medication. Took me off of Wellbutrin and replaced it with Abilify. Abilify is an anti-psychotic used in patients with schizophrenia and some bi-polar but in small doses it appears to be very effective as a supplement to anti-depressants. I have been on it for just over a week and it appears to be helping a lot. I haven't had a suicidal thought in almost a week. It is a more potent drug so they do a lot of check ups on it having to check for negative side effects etc. Its some real shit but it appears to work. I have been sleeping better - not great by any means but enough to get through the day.

I am still having trouble finding a person to confide in and talk to. I thought my friend FJ would be good but he is battling his own demons and I can't put faith in him that he will be there when I need him, but he understands the disease, pain and what recovery is all about. But this is getting frustrating as I just keep facing this shit alone. The resistance to burden others is what is preventing me from reaching out. Although I have been having some really good conversation with my friend DE. She is awesome. We have been friends for almost 20 years and she can tell my mood just by texts. I think I am going to add her into my WRAP plan as my support system. I feel really fucking pathetic that I jut have her and my wife but it is what it is and I can't change it. Sometimes I just wish someone would ask how things are going more than just a general niceties. I think everyone assumes I am ok which is fine. I don't know if I want to talk to more people about this and feel even more judged but I wished it felt like someone cared so I just keep telling myself that I am in this by myself with some outside support but in the end, I need to find what works for me and hold myself accountable. That is what is going to make me succeed through this more than anything else.

They say it is always darkest just before the dawn which I tend to believe. I am starting to really believe that I am on a good road forward. It was dark there for a while and now I am not feeling that darkness. Instead of suicidal thoughts instead I am thinking that I am glad I am there and picturing how miserable and sad my family would be if I wasn't there. For instance, tonight - as a family we went to see Charlie Brown Christmas. It was ok but as we were leaving I had this thought of "Would they have still gone if I had killed myself when I wanted to a few weeks ago? They had the tickets bought?" And then I just pictured my wife looking at the empty seat where I was supposed to be and crying. That gave me a feeling of happiness that I am still alive and here for my family. So maybe this is the dawn, or perhaps it is just a fleeting bright asteroid in my sky but either way there is light I am seeing and it feels pretty good.

Song of the day - Grey - Ani DiFranco

"The sky is grey. The sand is grey. The ocean is grey. I feel right at home, in this stunning monochrome, alone in my way."