If not now....when?

Here I am a couple weeks into 2018. Things are going ok. Not great and not horrible. Like I told my Psychiatrist, I feel just content. Content with life. The thing is, I dont know if that is acceptable or not. I guess I need to figure out what is acceptable and what isnt. What level do I want to be at? I am pretty sure I don't want to be buried in just content. I can do better. I have been on both sides of contentment and I miss the positive side. That being said, we adjusted my medications again. We doubled my Abilify dosage. We will see what that does. I am really concerned because since I started Abilify I have gained almost 45 pounds. It is just so uncomfortable and irritating. I did some research and found out that this is a major side effect that people complain about. People usually gain 50 lbs on it. Ugg... this is not what I needed. I have been trying to exercise more and eat less/more healthy but it is hard when you are constantly hungry. Waking up in the middle of the night starving has probably been a huge contributor to the weight gain. I just keep telling myself that this is only temporary and I can get the weight to go away later.... I think my weight gain also serves as a discouragement for others who want to get help. I have a friend who probably should go on medication for her anxiety and depression but she is so scared of gaining weight that she refuses. I will say that yes gaining the weight sucks but not feeling like I want to die everyday is a fair trade off I feel!

I had a therapy appointment the other day with my psychologist Emily. I really like her. She is very direct and makes me really think about my recovery and life in different ways. We started talking about going back to couples therapy. Here is the deal - I know that there is a lot of stuff Jessica and I still need to work through but I just don't know if I am ready. I look back at those moments and that time in my life and I am embarrassed for what I said, what I did etc. That wasn't me. I didn't want to be with my wife, I didn't want my kids, I didn't want my job and I didn't want to be alive so I feel like a lot of that cannot be held against me and is very difficult and embarrassing to go back and face. I look at that time as a dark time and I don't want to go back, My whole goal in recovery is to continually move forward and I am frightened of going back into those times so soon and trying to make sense of them. I know it is only fair and I owe it to my wife but I just don't feel like know is the right time. But when is the right time? Next month? Next year? 5 years from now? If not now... when?

Song of the day - Burn Away - Nathan Gray

"After all the death I have dodged to get to where I am, I've come out smiling in the end. "

This will be my year

By all accounts - 2017 was not my best year.... ok so it fucking sucked. It was one of my worst years. I almost lost my marriage, I lost my sanity, I almost lost my life, I lost some family and friends, I lost my faith, I lost my wife's trust, I ended up taking a leave from work to overcome my depression. I really don't know how the year could have gone worse. But, here I am, on New Years Eve, alive and writing this blog entry. I didn't think I would be here but I am.... and I am happy about it.... I think. It has been such a roller coaster. I honestly don't know what to think. It has been 3 months since I got out of my hospitalization program. I feel I have made some good progress but still a lot to go. Not only for my own recovery but there are a lot of wounds that need to be healed for both me and my wife. I am not 100% sure I am ready to take that on right now. I am not saying it isn't important or a priority, I just don't know if I have the emotional bandwidth and capacity to pile that on but it needs to happen sooner or later. Maybe it is like the concept of having kids, you never feel you are ready until you are in it... so maybe I won't ever be ready to delve into the abyss of healing until I get there. To be honest, I haven't been so great with my recovery. I have been doing a little meditation but that is about it. I am trying to get back into the gym and get an exercise program going. I am starting to read more about mindfulness and how to incorporate it into my life, but right now I am just at the input stage and not actually implementing it into my life - that is next.

I have been trying to think of what I can do in 2018 to better my life, my marriage and my kids' lives. I am not entirely sure how I am going to do it but I need to. First off, for myself, I am going to continue with my plan of therapy e/o week, group on the off weeks and meeting with my P-Doc once a month. That really seems to keep me focused and give the proper attention to recovery. But after that.. what else can I do? I need to really find time to digest and invest. Digest the info that I am getting from support group, my therapist and my Psychiatrist. Really take the time to think it through and attempt to understand and then invest in myself and those parts. Take what they are saying to heart and put them to practice in my life. Easier said than done. I think I need to start taking notes at my therapy sessions so I can remember what all we talked about and things I can work on and do.

I think a big thing I can do is keep working out and eating better. Sure everyone says that but I think it could have a very big impact on me. It is just hard when my medication makes me incredibly hungry all the time, it is hard to eat right and sensibly. Part of me just wants to say "fuck it" Lets get this depression shit under control and then we will worry about physical exercise and losing weight but I am afraid they probably go hand in hand. I don't  know how to jump start it. I can't seem to jump right in. I am trying to just ease in and do the gym 3x a week and do basic cardio shit. That seems to be ok but I need to get it on the calendar or have set nights that I do it so there is no question what I am doing and it is already set aside. Or maybe i just continue to write about it and don't do a fucking thing about it.... I guess the choice is mine at the end of the day.

So here is to 2018. The year of figuring shit out. Figuring out my recovery, figuring out finances, figuring out my job, figuring out life in general. 2017, I am done with you. I am looking back at you with a few lessons that were learned but for the most part, I look at you with disdain. I dont think I could handle another 2017 so 2018 has to be relatively good considering. I have to think of what I am going to call my breakdown.... maybe that is it. Just a major fucking breakdown into the abyss of deep depression. God it fuckin sucks there and it feels good to be out of it so why do I miss it a little bit?

Today has been a good day. I am feeling good and hope to stay this way.

Song of the day - This Will be My Year - Semisonic

"Then you tell yourself, what you want to hear, because you have to believe, this will be my year."

Fighting it off

So it has been a while since I have sat down to blog or just to even think. In the middle of the holidays, I am finding it really hard to take time for self-care and just relax and focus on recovery. So far though... things have been going fairly well. I have been attending all my support groups, all my therapy sessions, regularly taking my medications and all-in-all feeling pretty ok. I know I should be happy about this and for the most part I am. It is just easy to forget about self care and a focus on recovery when you aren't feeling it. It is kind of like when you are feeling sick - you just take the meds until you feel better... not the whole time the doctor tells you to. I feel I am going down the road to recovery smoothly - every so often there is a bump or pothole, but I am at a nice cruising speed... but I still know that the ditch is just to the side of the road and is easy to fall into.

My motivation has been shit lately. It comes and goes. I used to be all about winter and keeping the driveway clean when it snowed but I just don't care anymore. It's not like I have too much other stuff going on.... maybe I am just prioritizing in my head? This morning though, I was on fire. I got the kitchen cleaned, dogs fed, dishes done, got my son up and dressed, showered and all ready to go by 6:45 am. That felt really good. But as I was driving into work I started to get tired and know that around 2 pm I am going to be exhausted. I have to find a way to balance. I also have been really shitty at being physical and exercising. I have the means to but I just cant ever seem to find the motivation or time.

I just spent way too much money on 2 guitars. I bought a 2015 Gold Top Duesenberg from Germany. It is so gorgeous and plays like butter. It is amazing. Then for some reason I bought a 2014 Fender American Special Telecaster. It is awesome. Sunburst with black pick guard. So bad ass. I am not a very good guitar player. I can noodle and get by on a few chords but I am by no means proficient. It has been very helpful to sit and play. Come up with little diddys and riffs or melodies. It sparks the creative part of my brain which I have found to help stave off the negative and dark thoughts. It redirects the thoughts and I find that when I have a guitar in my hand I am more comfortable and relaxed. I know it really bothered my wife that I bought them and she refuses to talk about them. I feel bad about it but going through this year I learned a few things - I have to do what I need to do to build a life worth living and it is ok to sometimes splurge on things that help with recovery. I think my wife knows that but just isnt excited about the fact that I dropped the money on it when we are trying to get out of debt. I want to get something engraved on the guitar... something to remind me of this time in my life and something about letting go and moving forward. I am still trying to figure that out - it is a really sweet and awesome guitar and I want to make sure I am putting the perfect quote on there.

Song of the day - The Last Song I will Write - Jason Isbell

"This is the end of everything - I'm crawling away to the sea."

Patience and Persistence

Patience and persistence  - that is what I have been told gets one through depression... that and good meds I think. I feel that I have been patient but I am having trouble being persistent in my recovery efforts. As things get a little better, I tend to let recovery slide. So in order to overcome that, I finished my Relapse and Recovery prevention plan. It is about 8 pages of my plan to get through recovery and what to do in case of relapse. I laid out the terms of my recovery including eating better, exercising, meditating and journaling at least once a week, regardless of how I am feeling. I figured I could write happy shit too. I am going to have my wife hold me accountable for all that. I also inluded my support team into my plan and I think I need to give them a copy of the plan so they know but I am nervous to do that. I am feeling pretty good right now -  I am laying here in bed, next to my favorite dog Sadie, listening to her snore and Classical MPR. I am feeling in a zone tonight. A little tired, groggy, hungry but clear headed.

I missed my support group this week as I had a work trip to San Francisco and Silicon Valley. I get anxious about missing appointments and groups. I need the structure and support. The trip itself went fairly well. No major episodes or issues. I was actually more social than normal and went out with my boss and coworker to a jazz club after I saw Dave Hause. I kind of forced myself to go out but sometimes you need to do that. It felt good. I finished my Relapse plan on the plane. I am sure the woman next to me was wondering what the hell I was doing but I really dont care what people think anymore. I would be happy to talk about it to anyone. Nothing crazy happened on the work trip. I was gone for 3 days and that seemed like an eternity to my family I think. I missed the kids quite a bit. There was a couple who had a baby on the flight. The baby was probably 9 months old and they were doing everything to keep her calm and quiet. Hearing the baby cry made me really miss Cailin.... yet I get so frustrated and irritated when she is crying in front of me. I guess it is just one of those parent things that can't be explained.

I have come to the conclusion that I need a new job. My current one is fine but it is just killing my soul. It is such a cold culture, no personality and I am not gaining anything from it. I brought it up with my Therapist and she agreed. I want to get back int.o retail in some sort. I miss it. Yes the money etc is good at US Bank but I don't think it is worth it. We are living comfortably enough that I can find something more fitting and satisfying personally. I am learning that I need to take this life I have and live the best of it. I refuse to sit around doing a job that is not satisfying or stimulating. So now that I feel that I am in a better place mentally and feeling stable, I think it is time to that I  start the job search. I appreciate everything that the Bank has done for me and supporting me through everything and I hate to walk away but I truly feel they and I will both be better off . I can tell my boss is getting frustrated with me and my awkward schedules due to Dr appointments etc. I would probably be doing him a favor if I were to walk away. I really like the vendors I work with. They are super good people and I get along with them great - I will miss them the most.

Song of the day - Long Walk Home - Bruce Springsteen

"Hey Pretty darlin don't wait up for me, going to be a long walk home."

It's always darkest before the dawn

{Breathe in}.............{Breathe Out}...........

It has been just over a week since my last relapse. That pushed me to an edge I haven't seen in a while. Being in a position where you know that if you had the resources (gun etc) You would have probably taken your own life is scary to look back on. I am glad I didnt and that is the exact reason I don't own any guns. I don't trust myself enough. But I am here... and I am feeling good.... well pretty good for the most part. They changed my medication. Took me off of Wellbutrin and replaced it with Abilify. Abilify is an anti-psychotic used in patients with schizophrenia and some bi-polar but in small doses it appears to be very effective as a supplement to anti-depressants. I have been on it for just over a week and it appears to be helping a lot. I haven't had a suicidal thought in almost a week. It is a more potent drug so they do a lot of check ups on it having to check for negative side effects etc. Its some real shit but it appears to work. I have been sleeping better - not great by any means but enough to get through the day.

I am still having trouble finding a person to confide in and talk to. I thought my friend FJ would be good but he is battling his own demons and I can't put faith in him that he will be there when I need him, but he understands the disease, pain and what recovery is all about. But this is getting frustrating as I just keep facing this shit alone. The resistance to burden others is what is preventing me from reaching out. Although I have been having some really good conversation with my friend DE. She is awesome. We have been friends for almost 20 years and she can tell my mood just by texts. I think I am going to add her into my WRAP plan as my support system. I feel really fucking pathetic that I jut have her and my wife but it is what it is and I can't change it. Sometimes I just wish someone would ask how things are going more than just a general niceties. I think everyone assumes I am ok which is fine. I don't know if I want to talk to more people about this and feel even more judged but I wished it felt like someone cared so I just keep telling myself that I am in this by myself with some outside support but in the end, I need to find what works for me and hold myself accountable. That is what is going to make me succeed through this more than anything else.

They say it is always darkest just before the dawn which I tend to believe. I am starting to really believe that I am on a good road forward. It was dark there for a while and now I am not feeling that darkness. Instead of suicidal thoughts instead I am thinking that I am glad I am there and picturing how miserable and sad my family would be if I wasn't there. For instance, tonight - as a family we went to see Charlie Brown Christmas. It was ok but as we were leaving I had this thought of "Would they have still gone if I had killed myself when I wanted to a few weeks ago? They had the tickets bought?" And then I just pictured my wife looking at the empty seat where I was supposed to be and crying. That gave me a feeling of happiness that I am still alive and here for my family. So maybe this is the dawn, or perhaps it is just a fleeting bright asteroid in my sky but either way there is light I am seeing and it feels pretty good.

Song of the day - Grey - Ani DiFranco

"The sky is grey. The sand is grey. The ocean is grey. I feel right at home, in this stunning monochrome, alone in my way."

Birthday bust

Yesterday was my birthday. As you get older, birthdays become less and less exciting and fun. This year was no exception. I started my day at my psychologists office. It was a routine visit. We talked in depth about my recent increase in suicidal ideation and fascination. The suicidal ruminations have been pretty intense lately. I have been having around 5-10 instances of ideation throughout the day.  I walked in to the appointment sitting around a 5 in terms of my overall depression rating. I walked out around an 8 and that stayed with me most of the day. It was a really stressful and emotional meeting. Talking in detail about the suicidal thoughts, and what to think of when they hit and trying to understand where they are coming from.  I never really got out of the hole that day. My day ended with me crying in bed on the phone with the suicide prevention hotline. It got bad that I just needed to walk away and I broke down. If I had the means at the time, I am scared to think that I might have attempted. I don't recall actually making the decision to call but I just remember seeing myself pick up the phone and dialing. I had no idea what I was going to say or what I my intentions were. I just knew that I needed someone to talk to. Someone who won't judge, someone who has professional experience. I know a lot of people have told me "you can reach out whenever!" But I feel a lot of that is just empty words and wouldn't know what to say if I told them I was on the brink. I thought about calling A.M. from Daybridge. She works with me and going through her own shit but she is a really good person and would understand. I was going to reach out to her if I wasn't happy with what the NSPH offered. After a few minutes of talking I felt myself relax and step away from danger. After I hung up the phone, I meditated, turned on some music and just did some breathing and texted my wife that I was OK. She came up later and we talked about it. So needless to say, it wasn't my best birthday ever.

In trying to figure out what was the catalyst for this, I did some soul searching. The day started off a little rough at my therapists and that was right away in the morning. Tough to really rebound from an emotional beginning like that. I continued to get more agitated and irritable as the day went on. I was feeling depressed and just wanted to be alone. Having the feelings of depression and getting constant messages from friends and family saying things like "have a wonderful amazing day." Just felt empty and almost made it worse. Typical depression - when you are in the darkness and someone tells you to snap out of it or cheer up, it typically will make you even more depressed so I think that is what happened. I just lost it later that night. I had had enough and needed to get out. Fortunately, I was able to address it and adjust it and ask for help which is key. I can only hope that this will continue in the future and I will seek out help in those dark times rather than letting it take over me.

Song of the day - Pain - War on Drugs

"I resist what I cannot change. Own it in your own way."

Growin old but none the wiser

Shit. Tomorrow I turn 37. That is 37 spins on this planet. That is 13,514 days - 324,336 hours. Doesn't seem like that long. To be honest, I am surprised I am going to be celebrating it. Earlier this year, I had no intentions of making it to 37. It has been quite a year.. but I am here and I will be here for 37 and I hope for at least another 37+.  I try and tell myself that everyday but it is hard. VERY hard. Every day it seems I am having suicidal thoughts and ideations. The thought of leaving my kids doesn't scare me off, which in turn, scares the shit out of me. I am learning to live with these thoughts and ideations as they don't just go away. A lot of times I wonder what it is like to live without suicidal ruminations in your head.

I feel that I am on a downward drop in my recovery. I know that there will be peaks and valleys and recovery is not a straight line so I am trying to stay positive and just weather the storm and hopefully make it to the other side. One of the ways I am doing so is looking at the positives and negatives:

The Negatives: 

• Suicidal thoughts occurring more often (4-10 times a day) 
• Inability to sleep well - I am sleeping about 5-7 hours a night. Waking up at around 2-4 am and not able to go back to sleep. 
• Really poor eating. I am hungry all the time and mostly for all the wrong foods. I am trying to embrace it and just know that it will pass but this can't be good for me. 
• Getting more distant with my wife - our relationship has been rocky but I feel it is slipping even further into trouble
• Anhedonia - This took me by surprise but I am losing interest in a lot of the things I used to love - playing music, playing drums, sex. I feel myself wanting to be isolated again and only wanting to sleep

The Positives

• The suicidal thoughts are just that - thoughts. I haven't ventured into planning or even thinking of HOW or WHEN - so far it is just ideation and thoughts. 
• I am able to feel this come on and acknowledge it. I can confront it in my mind and just know that my brain is in a crisis right now and I can't trust everything it is telling me
• I have a very good support system. Friends, family, therapist, psychiatrist, support group. I have never had this much support before that I know I can rely on to get me though this. 
• I feel I have been more attentive to my kids and appreciating them more. Maybe it is for dark reasons that I am not conscious of but I like the way I feel around them and the way they make me feel. 

Song of the day - Miracle - Rise Against

"Are you going to finally grip the wheel I think you know how. This is more than you expected it to be."