Birthday bust

Yesterday was my birthday. As you get older, birthdays become less and less exciting and fun. This year was no exception. I started my day at my psychologists office. It was a routine visit. We talked in depth about my recent increase in suicidal ideation and fascination. The suicidal ruminations have been pretty intense lately. I have been having around 5-10 instances of ideation throughout the day.  I walked in to the appointment sitting around a 5 in terms of my overall depression rating. I walked out around an 8 and that stayed with me most of the day. It was a really stressful and emotional meeting. Talking in detail about the suicidal thoughts, and what to think of when they hit and trying to understand where they are coming from.  I never really got out of the hole that day. My day ended with me crying in bed on the phone with the suicide prevention hotline. It got bad that I just needed to walk away and I broke down. If I had the means at the time, I am scared to think that I might have attempted. I don't recall actually making the decision to call but I just remember seeing myself pick up the phone and dialing. I had no idea what I was going to say or what I my intentions were. I just knew that I needed someone to talk to. Someone who won't judge, someone who has professional experience. I know a lot of people have told me "you can reach out whenever!" But I feel a lot of that is just empty words and wouldn't know what to say if I told them I was on the brink. I thought about calling A.M. from Daybridge. She works with me and going through her own shit but she is a really good person and would understand. I was going to reach out to her if I wasn't happy with what the NSPH offered. After a few minutes of talking I felt myself relax and step away from danger. After I hung up the phone, I meditated, turned on some music and just did some breathing and texted my wife that I was OK. She came up later and we talked about it. So needless to say, it wasn't my best birthday ever.

In trying to figure out what was the catalyst for this, I did some soul searching. The day started off a little rough at my therapists and that was right away in the morning. Tough to really rebound from an emotional beginning like that. I continued to get more agitated and irritable as the day went on. I was feeling depressed and just wanted to be alone. Having the feelings of depression and getting constant messages from friends and family saying things like "have a wonderful amazing day." Just felt empty and almost made it worse. Typical depression - when you are in the darkness and someone tells you to snap out of it or cheer up, it typically will make you even more depressed so I think that is what happened. I just lost it later that night. I had had enough and needed to get out. Fortunately, I was able to address it and adjust it and ask for help which is key. I can only hope that this will continue in the future and I will seek out help in those dark times rather than letting it take over me.

Song of the day - Pain - War on Drugs

"I resist what I cannot change. Own it in your own way."

Growin old but none the wiser

Shit. Tomorrow I turn 37. That is 37 spins on this planet. That is 13,514 days - 324,336 hours. Doesn't seem like that long. To be honest, I am surprised I am going to be celebrating it. Earlier this year, I had no intentions of making it to 37. It has been quite a year.. but I am here and I will be here for 37 and I hope for at least another 37+.  I try and tell myself that everyday but it is hard. VERY hard. Every day it seems I am having suicidal thoughts and ideations. The thought of leaving my kids doesn't scare me off, which in turn, scares the shit out of me. I am learning to live with these thoughts and ideations as they don't just go away. A lot of times I wonder what it is like to live without suicidal ruminations in your head.

I feel that I am on a downward drop in my recovery. I know that there will be peaks and valleys and recovery is not a straight line so I am trying to stay positive and just weather the storm and hopefully make it to the other side. One of the ways I am doing so is looking at the positives and negatives:

The Negatives: 

• Suicidal thoughts occurring more often (4-10 times a day) 
• Inability to sleep well - I am sleeping about 5-7 hours a night. Waking up at around 2-4 am and not able to go back to sleep. 
• Really poor eating. I am hungry all the time and mostly for all the wrong foods. I am trying to embrace it and just know that it will pass but this can't be good for me. 
• Getting more distant with my wife - our relationship has been rocky but I feel it is slipping even further into trouble
• Anhedonia - This took me by surprise but I am losing interest in a lot of the things I used to love - playing music, playing drums, sex. I feel myself wanting to be isolated again and only wanting to sleep

The Positives

• The suicidal thoughts are just that - thoughts. I haven't ventured into planning or even thinking of HOW or WHEN - so far it is just ideation and thoughts. 
• I am able to feel this come on and acknowledge it. I can confront it in my mind and just know that my brain is in a crisis right now and I can't trust everything it is telling me
• I have a very good support system. Friends, family, therapist, psychiatrist, support group. I have never had this much support before that I know I can rely on to get me though this. 
• I feel I have been more attentive to my kids and appreciating them more. Maybe it is for dark reasons that I am not conscious of but I like the way I feel around them and the way they make me feel. 

Song of the day - Miracle - Rise Against

"Are you going to finally grip the wheel I think you know how. This is more than you expected it to be."

Hay más tiempo que vida

I had my first group tonight in over a month. There were some things with the group facilitator that he had to cancel in the past. It was so refreshing to be there. Being there made me realize that I have put my recovery on the back burner and haven't been focusing on it as much as I should and if I don't I could end up right where I was. I need to make a firmer commitment to myself. I am thinking about going into a DBT program part time to help me. I hear DBT is great if you can implement it into your daily life. I am trying to do more meditation but I am maybe only doing it 1-2x a week. I really need to do it daily. I need to schedule out my recovery activities. I want to start going to the gym a few times a week, meditate every night before bed, walk the dogs daily, practice greatfulness every morning and do yoga a few times. That is a lot but I can not risk another relapse.

I feel that this image truly represents depression and the depressed mind. We feel that we are on the edge of the building, we could fall at any time. Our daily mission is to keep from falling and find solid ground where we wont feel as vulnerable. Then depression (or the guy in the blue shirt in this pic) comes along and can kick you right off where you were. You try to grasp on but there is nothing to hold on to. I know life doesn't have to be this way but when it is all you know, you don't know how to navigate around it or move past it.

Hay mas tiempo que vida - a friend of mine posted this on FB the other day and it really stopped me in my tracks and made me think. The translation for this is "There is more time than life" maybe that is the Spanish version of YOLO but I really like it and it puts things into perspective. Time keeps rolling on, with or without us. Time will continue even after we check out. Time doesn't really care about life. Time is a cruel, ever-pressing, steamroller. Time controls our lives. Time doesn't run out, life does. So how do we make the most of our lives? Making as much money as we can at the expense of our happiness? Staying in relationships that don't make sense just due to obligation? Drinking and getting high to experience a higher life and better state of mind? Taking chances? NOT taking chances and live safe? I think we each define that for ourselves. I am just trying to determine what that means for me. There are a few things I want to accomplish, achieve/experience in my life before I check out. I want to record music. I will be honest, I am not that great at piano but I really like tinkering with melodies and chord progressions. I have about 25 partially completed songs that I want to record and just have for my kids someday to listen to and perhaps be inspired. I want to travel more: I want to see Australia. I want to pet a Koala bear. I want to be a part owner in a music store. I want to tell my story of depression and suicide in hopes that I can inspire others. I want to have one night of pure unadulterated, lustful fucking. I want to be in shape someday and have someone turn their head when I walk past. I want to teach my kids how to be a good person - how to help others.  These are the things that I want to accomplish in life. I don't know how much time I have left to accomplish them but I know that I only have this one life to complete them.

Song of the day - The Last Song I Will Write - Jason Isbell

"Come run away with me. This ain't the world we signed up for."

Intrusive Thoughts

I had a really good conversation with my therapist last week. We talked at length about my repetitive and common suicidal thoughts. I have been associating these with my depression but she mentioned intrusive thoughts. These are essentially an unwelcome and involuntary thought, image or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession and can be difficult to manage or eliminate. I have to say - I think she is spot on. These suicidal intrusive thoughts make me depressed but maybe aren't a symptom OF my depression. It is hard to wrap my head around but it kind of makes sense. I have noticed that if I address the intrusive thought and basically show it the door and don't action it by either distracting myself or pushing forward, I can remain feeling relatively OK. If I don't let it affect me, my mood isn't affected. (Seems simple I know)

I had a stretch of good days. Minimal depression, decent sleep, little agitation and irritability. I am still feeling the sexual side effects and my motivation has been shit. Tired a lot and just want to do really nothing, I don't want to kill myself so that is a positive and I will take that. To work on the motivation etc, I went back on Wellbutrin. It is a stimulant so it has helped me get my ass in gear and keep up with my responsibilities which has been a good effect. I still fear relapse. Read yet another story of a person who was getting treatment, had a good support system but still lost the battle to depression. I would like to think I am strong enough to keep moving forward and hope that I am. All i can do is keep my plan in place and focus on today.

There has been a lot of things happening outside of the depression scope, my wife has been having some health problems. Semi-serious ones so we are addressing those. Hopefully things turn out to be nothing but the anticipation and anxiety of it is almost as bad as the diagnosis itself. My mental health is no longer in the forefront and I am OK with that. I just cant lose sight of my recovery. I really don't like this getting older shit. I got a wart on the heel of my foot from taking my daughter to swimming lessons I guess, so it has hampered my ability to move a lot. I can't walk to well and it is extremely painful. So I have been quite the lazy ass. Haven't taken dogs for a walk, haven't mowed the lawn. Shit - even getting the mail is a painful chore. I have been pretty immobile and my waistline is reflecting that. I went to a foot dr and he froze the bitch off. It is going to take a few days to fully get better but it is progress. I am supposed to go get a physical in a few weeks but I am not sure I want to do it. I am in horrible shape and in the middle of recovery where I ate nothing but oreos and gained weight, I haven't been able to exercise etc. So my numbers are going to be off the charts and they will probably want to put me on more meds but I feel I am not at a normal place right now to be given medication. I need things to level out first..... hopefully they will.

Song of the day - Highway Kings - Bouncing Souls

"What are dreams for anyway without the guts to live your life that way?"

Random ramblings on recovery

Today marks a month since I was discharged from Regions. Time has flown by. But it also feels like the last 6 months of my life was 6 years ago. The start of my relapse feels like ages ago. It almost feels like a different time and a different person.  I decided to do a little introspection on my recovery thus far. It has been going fairly well - better than I thought that is for sure. Life is in full force now. My son is in Kindergarten, I am in my rigorous schedule of weekly therapy, my drumming schedule is back to being full, my support group is in full swing, my kids are in weekly swimming lessons, my daughter has weekly music classes with me, my wife is fully focused on her job etc. As the classic jam goes - back to life - back to reality. Still trying to carve out time for self care and ensuring I don't fall off. That is harder than I thought it would be. I am sticking to my strict bedtime of 9:30 while doing 30 minutes of meditation prior. After all that, there is hardly anytime to go outside and play. I have learned a lot over the past year. A lot about myself, my brain, people, priorities, life and recovery.  There have been 3 reoccurring lessons that I keep learning;

1) It takes a lifetime - No doubt about this. It isn't a quick fix or an easy battle - it is a lifelong war against depression. I feel it everyday. Some days are better than others. Some weeks are better than others.... some minutes are better than others. I just keep telling myself to keep fighting and it is worth it. I knew going into treatment that it was going to be a lifelong disease but coming to terms with it on the other side of treatment and not feeling 100% better is a real kick to the stones and a clash with reality. I thought my brain would be in a better place where I would be more accepting of the fact that I will struggle with this day in and day out but nope.... still my same brain that I have always had. I thought that I would be on the outside looking in and be prepared and on the lookout for a relapse when in reality - I feel that I am still in it. Granted I feel I am on the edges of it and not so much in the deep shit of it but still, regardless, I am still very much in it. I just don't know if I will ever be on the outside of it again...

2) DIY-  As much as it is hard to admit and come to terms with, I am in this alone and have to beat it myself. When I was going through it, there were a lot of people there to offer support and a hand but now, they have resumed their lives - which I do not blame them for and completely understand. I just have to understand that this is a part of MY life and I have to manage it. Yes I have a few friends who are close enough that I can confide in and have emotional conversations with but for the most part - that is on myself. I do have a very healthy and strong support system but that can only take you so far. I have noticed that my wife is getting a lot of support too. A lot of her friends are reaching out to her asking her how she is doing and how I am doing. I think that is good but in a way it feels weird that they aren't asking me themselves, it feels a little isolating. I am friends with them too. Are they too scared to ask? Do they think I have too many people asking me? It is just weird. A lot of people offering to be there if you need them but no one really just checking in which I think it an important part of recovery.  I appreciate people offering support and an ear. It is hard though to discern the difference between those who actually care or those who are just curious. But having regular check ins with myself and writing in this blog has been critical to getting my thoughts out there and acknowledging them.

3) You must look back to see forward - As much as I want to avoid looking back at the emotions I experienced, the feelings I had and the actions I did, it is vital to growing and overcoming and recovering. It feels like looking back is going back and not moving forward, but I am realizing just how important it is to understand those feelings and become familiar with them and try to understand the genesis of them. When I was 29 I was in a car accident. A Ford F350 read ended me going 30 MPH on 694. To that point I hardly ever looked in my rear view mirror when I was stopping. I was just assuming the vehicle behind me was stopping as well. Well on that day of the accident, I caught a glimpse of the truck barreling right into my back end and found myself bracing for impact. For a few months after the accident, I was scared shitless at every stop light. Every time I stopped, I was staring in my rear-view mirror to make sure the car behind me was stopping. To this day, I still consciously look back as a check to make sure they are stopping. I think that is very similar to this. I need to always look back to ensure that what is happening now, is not what happened then - that there isn't a truck about to barrel right at me.


I have my appointment with my psychologist in a few hours. I am strangely looking forward to it. I really like her. She is down to earth and real. I think it is pretty obvious I like talking about this stuff and I don't know why but I think it is probably good right? Maybe I talk too much about it but I haven't learned to shut up yet so why start.

Song of the day - Until We Surrender - Heartsounds

"Sometimes I wonder if things really get better or does the hand of time just beat us down until we surrender?"

Is recovery even possible?

So here I am, approaching 4 weeks out of treatment and into my recovery. Things are going better than I thought they would be. I am having some short relapse moments every now and then. I guess that is to be expected. I knew it would happen but it still scares the shit of out me when it does and I let it bring me down and I start to feel like recovery isn't possible so then why even fucking try? Then I think about my progress - I was having suicidal thoughts daily if not hourly and now they are maybe 1-2 times a week so that is progress but I still feel it is a setback. I picture it like an alcoholic. I feel like having a suicidal thought is equivalent to falling off the wagon and having a drink. My wife helped me readjust my thinking regarding that but I can't help but feel like I am not making progress. You also hear about so many people that are in recovery for a long time and then just fall off and end their life after years of recovery. Is that going to be me? That scares the piss out of me! Is all this recovery work for nothing but just delaying death?

To put it into some perspective I see it this way - the only way this disease will end is by death. Either by my own hands or by natures way. So we are delaying the inevitable to try and live a positive life for what? To try and forget about the fact that I am depressed and to force myself to go on living a life that for the majority of the time I don't want to be in? It feels very counter-intuitive. I know suicide would be an easy way out and basically giving up and letting depression win, I get that and I know I don't want it to win BUT I will never ever be cured. Ever. So it is either learn to live with it or let it kill me. These are the thoughts that ruminate in my head. Even when I am not in a depressed state. Like right now - I am feeling just fine, actually kind of happy today. I guess you have to find your reasons for living on and fighting through another day. Of course the easy answer to that is my kids. Yes I don't want them to grow up without a father figure or resent me or have a lifetime of depression. It is my hope and my promise to them that I will do whatever I can to prevent them from having the same pain and issues I have/had and I know that if I were to kill myself that it would guarantee a lifetime of pain and depression for them as well as my wife. But that doesn't make my life happy? It is kind of like that line in Office Space "work hard enough so you don't get fired." So I live just enough to keep my promise to my kids but that surely doesn't bring me happiness. So in essence I am telling myself to live a depressed life for someone else? Live for someone else? That is antithetical to everything I believe. Live for yourself. But I guess a suicidal person can't afford to have morals and strong held beliefs when their mind doesn't function correctly. 

I plan to go on living and doing everything I can to beat this disease but that is easy to say when my mind isn't filled with darkness and distortions. The best I can do is prepare myself for those relapses and ensure that I feel I am equipped enough to weather the storm. Here is to hoping I have packed enough!

Song of the day - Change - Blind Melon

"When your deepest thoughts are broken, you keep on dreamin' boy 'cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die."

Hi! I am Justin

Hi! My name is Justin. I am just an average guy. Mid 30's. I have been married for 11 years, I have 2 kids, I have a good job at a bank, I am a avid dog lover and have 2 of the best dogs in the world, I enjoy playing music in my spare time. I can sorta play the drums, I am even worse on piano and shouldn't even be allowed to play the guitar but yet I still try. I have a pretty good life. Own a house in suburban Minnesota. I really can't or shouldn't complain about much....Here is the deal though - I have a disease. I am sick. Don't worry it is not contagious. You can't catch it from me if I sneeze on you. You won't get it if you touch me or get too close. It isn't sexually transmitted either. You probably can't even notice it by looking at me. If I went to my family physician, they could run a million tests on my blood, check every part of my body and they wouldn't be able to find it either. So... what the hell is it? Is it some invisible made up illness? Does it even exist? How the hell do I know I even have it? My disease affects pretty much the central command center of my body. My brain. I have a mental illness. Well what the fuck is that right? I wish I could tell you. My brain doesn't fire correctly and something in there is not wired correctly. How do I know I have it? I live in a depressed state of mind along with 7+ million other Americans.  Now - you need to understand that there is a difference between sadness and depression. Sadness is an emotion that comes and goes. Depression is a state of mind that does not move forward. I lack motivation to live life. I feel like I am constantly looking up from a hole and can't see any light. It isn't the inability of feeling happiness, I can be happy and from the outside, I probably appear happy most days. I try to live a positive life. This depression in my brain makes me think very inappropriate things. Sure I can have good and bad days but when depression hits, I find myself secluded and isolated and only wanting one thing and that is to remove myself from this world. When I am at my worst, I can't think of others and the impact that I have on them. They are irrelevant. All I can see or feel is my own desire to not exist anymore. That smile my daughter shot me, my son telling me he loves me, that amazing sex I had last night, none of it matters and none of it proves to work as a reason to stay. Most people cannot comprehend that and I really wish that they could. It is super important for others to realize that it isn't just a mood thing that can just be changed. It is a medical condition that requires medication and therapy to fix. Suicide accounts for 35,000 deaths a year (homicides account for around 16K a year). Think about that for a moment. We hear about murders and homicides on a daily basis yet they refuse to ever mention someone dying of suicide unless it is a famous person. They do this to prevent copy cats and giving people the idea of suicide. Well I will tell you this - if a person is contemplating suicide, it isnt because they heard someone did it on the news. They have been thinking about it before. And MAYBE just maybe we want to use that same tactic for homicides? Do you think if we didn't mention them on the news they just magically wouldn't happen? Of course not. Depression and suicide are such taboo subjects. No one wants to talk about them or acknowledge them. We just hide it in the headlines under the guise of "died unexpectedly" Fuck that. They died of suicide. They had a disease/illness. If you want to compare it to cancer, we can say that they lost their long courageous battle with depression. Let's get people to talk about this openly and honestly.  I think we need to be real about this if we ever expect to see change.