Oreos and Isbell

I am a few weeks into my recovery and so far things are going ok. I am slowly integrating myself back into life and bringing things back into my life. I feel I might be losing a little touch with what I got from the PHP program but I think it is bound to happen when you integrate back with life. I am thinking I am going to go through all my stuff again this weekend just to keep it top of mind. I have been completely astounded by the reactions and messages of support I have received from others since I outted my depression on Facebook. A lot of people have the same issue and I really feel that in a small way I helped the cause of depression and Stigma fighting. I fear that a lot of people misinterpreted my intentions as looking for attention and sympathy but that was not it at all. I was reluctant to do so just because of that reason. But after knowing that recovery is possible and that there is such good help available, I wanted to get a face to the disease and perhaps encourage others to think differently about it.

Throughout my recovery there has been 2 constants that have aided me and been instrumental to my recovery.... Oreo's and Jason Isbell. I am consuming more Oreo's than I ever have in my life. I could put down an entire bag of them a day and still want more. It has become almost an addiction. I can't describe the draw to them but Jesus - Oreos fucking rock my world right now. For the record - just the regular OG Oreos. None of that newfangled Thins or double stuff or different flavors. The intentions behind those are good and I am sure they are just as delicious, if not more, but right now - just a sleeve of regular Oreo's and a glass of milk and I am a happy man.

Another thing that has been hugely instrumental is the music of Jason Isbell. I have always been familiar with him and his music but never really took the time to dive into it and appreciate it. I took a liking to a few of his new tunes and started to dig in. The more I listened, the more I fell in love. Every album has a different feel, vibe and sound. His songwriting is matchless. His way with words is simply a gift from God. He sings so passionately and heartfelt that when I was in my shit, it just resonated so well with me. Or as my wife put it "his music spoke to you when you needed to be spoken to." Ain't that the truth. I seriously haven't gone a day in the past 3 months without listening to him in some way. Be in the shower, doing dishes, driving, walking the dogs etc. It is constant. I have a DVD of him at Austin City Limits and I swear I have played it 100 times so far. I am surprised my wife hasn't gone insane yet. But it is giving me something to relate to and makes me happy. I have seen him live twice in the past 3 months and both shows I was giddy and smiling the entire time. I haven't felt this way for a band since.... I dont know... maybe the first Coheed and Cambria album? Either way - his music, voice, songs and lyrics are speaking to my soul and when I meet him someday, I will tell him the profound impact that he had on my life and my recovery. 

Song of the day - Across Five Years - Boysetsfire

"I lose my life and take it back. Crashed this side of happiness."

Suicide Prevention Day

This is the post that I just posted on Facebook. Pretty much outing myself and disease. 

Today is Suicide Prevention day. As much as I want to keep this to myself - I think it is important to come out and let my story be heard. I have battled major depression for the past 20 years. Last month, I had a very difficult and serious relapse that ended with me being admitted into a Partial Hospitalization Recovery Program for 3 weeks. I am not posting this for sympathy or attention as that is NOT my intent. I am posting this to help bring awareness that depression crosses all races, ages, income brackets and generations. Depression is a very real disease. It completely messes up your mind making you feel a darkness that is incredibly difficult to describe. It is nearly impossible to try and explain it to someone who never has experienced it. It is more than just sadness. It is something wrong with your brain. Either a chemical imbalances or a misfiring in your brain. You can get past the darkness. You are NOT alone and there are people who DO understand and can help. Just like any other illness or disease, it can be treated.

There are a lot of messages out there to reach out to someone when you are suicidal and depressed which is one of the best pieces of advice that can be given. However, when I was at my lowest, I found out that some of the friends I reached out to didn't know how to respond or react and, honestly, I felt like I scared them off. This feeling of rejection and alienation breeds a deeper level of depression. I know it isn't feasible for everyone to have a PsyD and be professionally trained BUT I think it is realistic to believe that everyone would have a basic understanding of what to say, and more importantly, what NOT to say. Thankfully there is a plethora of informative sites that can help with that part. I implore you to take 2 minutes and check out this site. You never know when someone you love will reach out to you needing to talk.https://makeitok.org

I have found myself at the edge of the darkness before and it is not pleasant. You can't see any light or feel any hope and can't fathom yet another day or let alone hour. You aren't thinking of others and the impact on them, you can only feel your own darkness and have a desire to end the pain. So please, don't call them cowards or selfish. It is the devastating ending of trying to fight the disease. Personally - I have gotten help and through medication, therapy and support groups - I am able to maintain a pretty functional and normal life. It still is a daily struggle and it comes and goes but I am in a better place than I have been. I know that it will be a lifetime battle but I am armed to the teeth with an arsenal of tools to combat the darkness. There is a reason to have hope.

If you need help or need to talk - make the call - 1-800-273-8255 or call/text me - 612-386-3578. Don't let the disease win. You can survive this.
"How we survive is what makes us who we are."

I wish

I wish I liked my job 1/2 as much as my wife does. I wish I still drank. I wish pot didn't fuck with my mind so much so I could do it once in a while. I wish I had more confidence. I wish I was willing to take chances. I wish these peanut butter M&Ms I am eating were limitless. I wish my headache would go away. I wish I could have more sex. I wish I would have pursued music harder. I wish I wouldn't be such a pushover. I wish I had the balls to carve out my own path. I wish that depression didn't exist. I wish I didn't have to take anti-depressants. I wish I had style. I wish these pants didn't have a hole in the pocket. I wish I had more patience with my kids. I wish I wasn't as irritable. I wish I could just walk away. I wish I could say No. I wish I could be a better husband. I wish I was a better friend. I wish I could finish writing a damn song. I wish some of my friends were more supportive. I wish I had a 1957 Fender Telecaster (Butterscotch Blonde), I wish my dogs would live forever. I wish I knew exactly how you think of me. I wish more people could understand the depressed mind. I wish I could understand the depressed mind. I wish I read more. I wish I could be honest. I wish I knew how to fish. I wish I could help more people. I wish I would have gotten a cookie at Potbellys today. I wish Donald Trump wasn't our fucking president. I wish I had more tattoos. I wish my parents would just listen sometimes. I wish I didn't always overshare everything. I wish you were here. I wish I could just shut up sometimes. I wish my kids knew just how much I love them. I wish I could say everything that is in my head and not be judged. I wish someone could tell me where the hurt comes from. I wish I knew the meaning of life. I wish I was better looking. I wish I had answers. I wish I had more questions. I wish I was really good at one thing. I wish that I never have another relapse. I wish the work days were shorter. I wish I had a bigger penis. I wish I could grow a mustache. I wish I would have schoooled it up when I was younger. I wish I never touched drugs. I wish I never smoked. I wish I didn't live 10 miles from my hometown. I wish people spoke how they truly felt. I wish I could have it both ways. I wish I knew when these feelings would end. I wish she felt the same. I wish my dad could live longer. I wish I am as good as grandparents as my parents are. I wish I knew what I wanted. I wish I could be satisfied. I wish could lose 50 pounds. I wish I didn't always want more. I wish I knew how others perceived me. I wish I could take those words back. I wish I never made her cry. I wish I never wanted to die. I wish things would go back to normal. I wish I knew what normal was. I wish I didn't feel alone. I wish I could cry more. I wish I knew why.I wish life made sense. I wish I had it together like that guy does. I wish he didn't wish the same thing.

The New Normal

I guess you could say that today is the start of my new life. I started back up at work. I was nervous. After being gone for so long... what do I tell people? What if they ask? Will I be able to do the work? Will they look/treat me different? So many things to think about and worry about. The night before my illustrious return to work - I drove 4 hours to Fargo North Dakota by myself to see Jason Isbell in concert. It was exactly what I needed. His music has been instrumental so far in my recovery and seeing him live really resonates with me. I just feel connected to him and the music. Nothing matters when the music is on. It was a little weird to be at a show by myself but it was also kind of nice. I ran into some friends from college as well. I stayed at a shitty hotel in Fargo. It was lonely but still kind of nice. I drove straight from Fargo to work this morning. Not many people said really anything about my return. My boss just asked how I was doing and told me we would catch up tomorrow. I basically went through emails today.  Honestly - it feels good to be back. I feel better - mentally and physically. I have confidence that I didn't have before. We will see how long this lasts.....

A part of this new normal for me is new medication. The Wellbutrin I am on is giving me awful headaches every day and OTC pain meds don't do anything. I see my Psychiatrist on Friday so maybe we will adjust. But I am feeling better so maybe it is a small price to pay.... I haven't had any relapse of negative or suicidal thoughts in almost a week now. It may sound dumb but that is huge considering I was on the verge of actually doing it just over a month ago. Hopefully it continues to get better. I am looking into taking Yoga. I really liked it while in treatment. It was relaxing and I think I can get something out of it. I really want to implement some of the tools I learned in treatment to my life and not lose sight of it. It would be really easy to slide right back into same patterns and same routines and unfortunately, that will lead to the same results and I refuse to go back down that road. I have to commit to myself and family that I am making myself a priority. I have to get over the thought that that is selfish. I mean, it is in a way, but ultimately I am focusing on ME to be a better person for THEM. If I keep looking at it that way, that should help motivate me.



I really think I need to get back into music - playing. Sure I play at churches etc but I want to create. I think that will help a lot. I think this might be a calling or beckoning to me to get back into it. I have written about 30 songs/riffs/ideas that are all saved on my phone. I think I could put together something pretty cool and special. I asked a friend of mine to help me build the songs so we will see how that goes. If I can put a record together for my kids to listen to when I am long gone and maybe just for a second, inspire them or have a positive effect on them - that is all I want. I just need to get my ass in gear and start the process. My confidence level on the piano and guitar are very low so it is hard for me to play with others around, which is kind of weird. I just need to get over it and play expressively  - just like I play drums and forget what others might think.

As far as life post-treatment, I am feeling rather good. I miss treatment and miss the people there. I miss being open and honest. I used to be able to have those conversations with my wife but now with my son starting Kindergarten, her work stresses, my work, her Dr. appts, mine, etc there is little to no time for us to talk about that stuff anymore and that bothers me. I don't want to just jump in one night and say "hey let's talk about my fucked up head!" But maybe I need to . I know she cares and loves me dearly. I just need to keep trudging along and continue to build a life worth living. However, I am not too sure exactly how I am going to do that. I don't even know what that entails? I thought I had that before - but clearly I didn't. So what do I need to add to create this mysterious 'life worth living?' I have a good job, an awesome wife, 2 (relatively) good kids, supportive parents etc. WTF am I missing? I think it is an outlet for my passion. Working for a fucking bank is not a passion of mine nor will it ever be.... but providing a comfortable life for my family IS. So I don't know what to do. I guess I will keep looking and trying to find that passion somewhere. I see musicians and drummers that are half as talented as I am making a career out of it so maybe I should. (That is the most arrogant I will ever be... just trying to be honest) Fuck I don't know.

Song of the day - Prey - Boysetsfire

"Bring down the lights and just go home. I have nothing left and I want to be alone."

An open letter to an old friend....

Dear Depression,

It has been a long time since I have seen you. I have to say - it was a little surprising to see you. I honestly didn't think I would see you again. Like an old friend, it was nostalgic to see you and be in your presence. A lot of memories of us together in the past came rushing back. You have changed a lot since I last saw you, it took me a while to recognize you. My life has been pretty good since I last saw you. I still think about you sometimes but honestly, not a lot. After our last breakup, I have made a conscious effort to keep you out of my mind and just try to move forward without you. It was a little comforting to see you again as well as discomforting. I feel that I have changed a lot since we last saw each other as well. I have grown up. I have a family now, I have a different job, I have moved - in fact I am surprised you were able to track me down. I am in a completely different place than I was last time we were together. But I guess that just speaks to your perseverance and commitment. I have used many methods to leave you behind but it appears you don't wont disappear that easily..... or maybe I like having you around?

It was nice to catch up but it just isn't the same. The way you make me feel isn't the same as it was before. I am not comfortable with it. I honestly don't feel like I can maintain this friendship going forward. I know there will be an urge for you to pop in and catch up but I just don't think that is something I would enjoy. We both have changed - we both have better things to do. I feel I have given you everything I can - I have nothing left to give to you. This is personal. I personally don't want you or need you in my life. it frustrates me to think you can waltz into my life whenever you want to and think you can jump in and fuck up my life. I can't allow that to happen anymore. I will not allow that. You did make me feel something that I have never felt before. But you also made me do things that I am no longer comfortable with. I no longer want to have those feelings. So i am writing you this letter to tell you I am done. This is the end of the line for us. No more will I listen to your dark thoughts and attempts at control. I will no longer be susceptible to your seductive and mysterious nature and presence. I know you will try because that is just who you are but I have all my senses on alert for you. I will NOT allow you back into my life, regardless of how you try to manifest or disguise yourself. This is me telling you - Fuck off. You are not welcome here. This is goodbye. Forever.

Your old friend ,
Justin

I am not worthy

This is going to be a different blog entry than normal. I am going to just journal my feelings about something that happened in group today. We were discussing Automatic Negative Thoughts and what are the common ones we experience. The one that came to my mind was "I don't deserve this." We started to discuss the potential roots of that thought and why I have it. As I dug, and kept thinking - I started to realize that it is based on the fact that I have a very low self esteem. I guess I always have. I don't feel like I deserve any of the good things that I have worked for.

Growing up, I was always the dumb one in my family, among my friends etc. I sucked at school, even when I did try I fucked up and failed. I just couldn't get the information to stick. I always had this feeling about myself that I really wasn't that smart or intelligent. I went to college after a few years of music college and trying to figure out what to do. I ended up succeeding pretty well in college. I graduated with honors with two majors. I have built a successful career for myself. I have worked for some of the biggest companies in the country (Best Buy, Gander Mountain, US Bank) all of these have been in good roles in their corporate office. I have built my career where I have a more than comfortable living making well into 6 figures. I have a beautiful house which includes my personal drum studio. I drive the car I have always wanted, an Acura TL. I have 2 kids who adore the shit out of me and my wife is the love of my life. I should be happy that I have worked and succeeded and got to this point. HOWEVER - I can make excuses and reasons for all this that deflect any acceptance of success.

First off - getting a college degree was fairly easy - it was sociology and Criminal Justice. Very soft sciences and they intertwine so much that I had to take 2 extra classes to get the double major. I enjoyed the subjects and they are so soft that it is extremely easy to get a degree in them. So there is that. As for my jobs - I had worked at Best Buy for 8 years in the store so I knew some key people who got me into the roles at the corporate office. I don't feel it was ever merit based but just based off who I knew. The same played out for Gander and US Bank - they were so impressed with the Best Buy experience that that was all that mattered. So in my eyes, it wasn't me or my abilities but instead it is my resume and history that got my hired.

So I sat in treatment today trying to figure out why I cant accept success. I always brush it off. In college I remember the first time I had people asking ME what I put for answers on homework etc and changing theirs to match mine since they thought I was smart. It freaked me the fuck out. Seriously do these people know that I am not really that bright? Where did they get that notion? Somebody in treatment the other day called me intelligent - I cannot accept that label and I dont know why. I guess I still see myself as the stoned out, asshole teenager who didnt give a fuck and was taking Freshmen classes as a Senior and never getting past Algebra in college. Graduating with a 1.8 GPA and having my mom basically beg the principal to let me graduate.  I think at some point it was ingrained into my head that I was dumb and just roll with it. Maybe that is why I use humor to deflect that? I am very insecure about my intelligence and play it down.

I feel like I am just one step away from losing it all. Like I am just on the edge of a precipice and at any moment my luck is going to run out and lose it all. I guess I feel like that is what is going to happen at some point. I look at everything I have and don't see it as things or stuff I have worked hard for, it feels like I am just fooling people into thinking I am relatively smart and they are buying it. I guess if I want to consider myself successful at something, it is that I can fool people in thinking I am intelligent and successful....

Song of the day - Miracle - Rise Against

"Every road to recovery starts at the breakdown. "

If it takes a lifetime....

Life has been very hectic lately. I am in my last 3 days of my 3 week treatment program. It has gone by so fast. I come home exhausted (mentally and physically sometimes) and by the time we get dinner and get the kids to bed, I go to bed. I have put myself on a strict bedtime of 9:30. It has helped me decompress and get some decent sleep. I am missing out on spending time with my wife at night but I gotta focus on myself right now. I am finally getting time to sit down and write about my experience so far. It was rough at first - I didn't think I would fit it as there was a lot of low-functioning people that I could not relate to. But over the past week or so more higher functioning people have joined that I am becoming friends with and it is really helpful. I think I am really going to miss this place. It is such a safe environment. I enjoy learning about the brain, mental illness, the body etc.

We had a family therapy session with the psychologist last week. It involved my wife and my parents. It went pretty well. We just discussed my discharge and how to move forward from the program. I am a little apprehensive as I think my parents assume that after I finish the program, I will be healed. I am trying to make sure they understand that this is a lifelong battle and it will be something I wrestle on and off. Hopefully it never gets as bad as the last relapse. But I feel I have the tools (and drugs) to keep it at bay. After the session, I think they are starting to learn that I won't be healed completely but just have more in my arsenal to combat with this disease. My wife gets it which is great and she can help try to help them understand.

I get discharged in 3 days. I am nervous as fuck. I have a week off before I go back to work. I am really anxious about going back to work. Can I handle the stress? Will my mind wander? Is my depression work based? Should I leave? My boss has been really supportive up until this point and I feel it is authentic. I hope it is a genuine support. We will see as I go back what happens. After I get discharged, I am going to see my psychologist every 2 weeks and my psychiatrist once a month to regulate medications. I also am going to start attending a mens support group for Depression. It is called the Faceit Foundation. I am looking forward to that. I think it will be good for me to be around other men/dads/professionals who are in the same boat as me. I think that is a solid plan for discharge. I am going to try and implement some elements of Yoga and deep breathing into my daily routine along with self care elements like playing guitar or piano and walking the dogs. It is going to be a long road but I am feeling confident for the first time in a while that I can get through this.

Song of the day - Smoke - Ben Folds Five

"No one will ever know the reasons for the tears. They are smoke."