Fighting it off

So it has been a while since I have sat down to blog or just to even think. In the middle of the holidays, I am finding it really hard to take time for self-care and just relax and focus on recovery. So far though... things have been going fairly well. I have been attending all my support groups, all my therapy sessions, regularly taking my medications and all-in-all feeling pretty ok. I know I should be happy about this and for the most part I am. It is just easy to forget about self care and a focus on recovery when you aren't feeling it. It is kind of like when you are feeling sick - you just take the meds until you feel better... not the whole time the doctor tells you to. I feel I am going down the road to recovery smoothly - every so often there is a bump or pothole, but I am at a nice cruising speed... but I still know that the ditch is just to the side of the road and is easy to fall into.

My motivation has been shit lately. It comes and goes. I used to be all about winter and keeping the driveway clean when it snowed but I just don't care anymore. It's not like I have too much other stuff going on.... maybe I am just prioritizing in my head? This morning though, I was on fire. I got the kitchen cleaned, dogs fed, dishes done, got my son up and dressed, showered and all ready to go by 6:45 am. That felt really good. But as I was driving into work I started to get tired and know that around 2 pm I am going to be exhausted. I have to find a way to balance. I also have been really shitty at being physical and exercising. I have the means to but I just cant ever seem to find the motivation or time.

I just spent way too much money on 2 guitars. I bought a 2015 Gold Top Duesenberg from Germany. It is so gorgeous and plays like butter. It is amazing. Then for some reason I bought a 2014 Fender American Special Telecaster. It is awesome. Sunburst with black pick guard. So bad ass. I am not a very good guitar player. I can noodle and get by on a few chords but I am by no means proficient. It has been very helpful to sit and play. Come up with little diddys and riffs or melodies. It sparks the creative part of my brain which I have found to help stave off the negative and dark thoughts. It redirects the thoughts and I find that when I have a guitar in my hand I am more comfortable and relaxed. I know it really bothered my wife that I bought them and she refuses to talk about them. I feel bad about it but going through this year I learned a few things - I have to do what I need to do to build a life worth living and it is ok to sometimes splurge on things that help with recovery. I think my wife knows that but just isnt excited about the fact that I dropped the money on it when we are trying to get out of debt. I want to get something engraved on the guitar... something to remind me of this time in my life and something about letting go and moving forward. I am still trying to figure that out - it is a really sweet and awesome guitar and I want to make sure I am putting the perfect quote on there.

Song of the day - The Last Song I will Write - Jason Isbell

"This is the end of everything - I'm crawling away to the sea."

Patience and Persistence

Patience and persistence  - that is what I have been told gets one through depression... that and good meds I think. I feel that I have been patient but I am having trouble being persistent in my recovery efforts. As things get a little better, I tend to let recovery slide. So in order to overcome that, I finished my Relapse and Recovery prevention plan. It is about 8 pages of my plan to get through recovery and what to do in case of relapse. I laid out the terms of my recovery including eating better, exercising, meditating and journaling at least once a week, regardless of how I am feeling. I figured I could write happy shit too. I am going to have my wife hold me accountable for all that. I also inluded my support team into my plan and I think I need to give them a copy of the plan so they know but I am nervous to do that. I am feeling pretty good right now -  I am laying here in bed, next to my favorite dog Sadie, listening to her snore and Classical MPR. I am feeling in a zone tonight. A little tired, groggy, hungry but clear headed.

I missed my support group this week as I had a work trip to San Francisco and Silicon Valley. I get anxious about missing appointments and groups. I need the structure and support. The trip itself went fairly well. No major episodes or issues. I was actually more social than normal and went out with my boss and coworker to a jazz club after I saw Dave Hause. I kind of forced myself to go out but sometimes you need to do that. It felt good. I finished my Relapse plan on the plane. I am sure the woman next to me was wondering what the hell I was doing but I really dont care what people think anymore. I would be happy to talk about it to anyone. Nothing crazy happened on the work trip. I was gone for 3 days and that seemed like an eternity to my family I think. I missed the kids quite a bit. There was a couple who had a baby on the flight. The baby was probably 9 months old and they were doing everything to keep her calm and quiet. Hearing the baby cry made me really miss Cailin.... yet I get so frustrated and irritated when she is crying in front of me. I guess it is just one of those parent things that can't be explained.

I have come to the conclusion that I need a new job. My current one is fine but it is just killing my soul. It is such a cold culture, no personality and I am not gaining anything from it. I brought it up with my Therapist and she agreed. I want to get back int.o retail in some sort. I miss it. Yes the money etc is good at US Bank but I don't think it is worth it. We are living comfortably enough that I can find something more fitting and satisfying personally. I am learning that I need to take this life I have and live the best of it. I refuse to sit around doing a job that is not satisfying or stimulating. So now that I feel that I am in a better place mentally and feeling stable, I think it is time to that I  start the job search. I appreciate everything that the Bank has done for me and supporting me through everything and I hate to walk away but I truly feel they and I will both be better off . I can tell my boss is getting frustrated with me and my awkward schedules due to Dr appointments etc. I would probably be doing him a favor if I were to walk away. I really like the vendors I work with. They are super good people and I get along with them great - I will miss them the most.

Song of the day - Long Walk Home - Bruce Springsteen

"Hey Pretty darlin don't wait up for me, going to be a long walk home."

It's always darkest before the dawn

{Breathe in}.............{Breathe Out}...........

It has been just over a week since my last relapse. That pushed me to an edge I haven't seen in a while. Being in a position where you know that if you had the resources (gun etc) You would have probably taken your own life is scary to look back on. I am glad I didnt and that is the exact reason I don't own any guns. I don't trust myself enough. But I am here... and I am feeling good.... well pretty good for the most part. They changed my medication. Took me off of Wellbutrin and replaced it with Abilify. Abilify is an anti-psychotic used in patients with schizophrenia and some bi-polar but in small doses it appears to be very effective as a supplement to anti-depressants. I have been on it for just over a week and it appears to be helping a lot. I haven't had a suicidal thought in almost a week. It is a more potent drug so they do a lot of check ups on it having to check for negative side effects etc. Its some real shit but it appears to work. I have been sleeping better - not great by any means but enough to get through the day.

I am still having trouble finding a person to confide in and talk to. I thought my friend FJ would be good but he is battling his own demons and I can't put faith in him that he will be there when I need him, but he understands the disease, pain and what recovery is all about. But this is getting frustrating as I just keep facing this shit alone. The resistance to burden others is what is preventing me from reaching out. Although I have been having some really good conversation with my friend DE. She is awesome. We have been friends for almost 20 years and she can tell my mood just by texts. I think I am going to add her into my WRAP plan as my support system. I feel really fucking pathetic that I jut have her and my wife but it is what it is and I can't change it. Sometimes I just wish someone would ask how things are going more than just a general niceties. I think everyone assumes I am ok which is fine. I don't know if I want to talk to more people about this and feel even more judged but I wished it felt like someone cared so I just keep telling myself that I am in this by myself with some outside support but in the end, I need to find what works for me and hold myself accountable. That is what is going to make me succeed through this more than anything else.

They say it is always darkest just before the dawn which I tend to believe. I am starting to really believe that I am on a good road forward. It was dark there for a while and now I am not feeling that darkness. Instead of suicidal thoughts instead I am thinking that I am glad I am there and picturing how miserable and sad my family would be if I wasn't there. For instance, tonight - as a family we went to see Charlie Brown Christmas. It was ok but as we were leaving I had this thought of "Would they have still gone if I had killed myself when I wanted to a few weeks ago? They had the tickets bought?" And then I just pictured my wife looking at the empty seat where I was supposed to be and crying. That gave me a feeling of happiness that I am still alive and here for my family. So maybe this is the dawn, or perhaps it is just a fleeting bright asteroid in my sky but either way there is light I am seeing and it feels pretty good.

Song of the day - Grey - Ani DiFranco

"The sky is grey. The sand is grey. The ocean is grey. I feel right at home, in this stunning monochrome, alone in my way."

Birthday bust

Yesterday was my birthday. As you get older, birthdays become less and less exciting and fun. This year was no exception. I started my day at my psychologists office. It was a routine visit. We talked in depth about my recent increase in suicidal ideation and fascination. The suicidal ruminations have been pretty intense lately. I have been having around 5-10 instances of ideation throughout the day.  I walked in to the appointment sitting around a 5 in terms of my overall depression rating. I walked out around an 8 and that stayed with me most of the day. It was a really stressful and emotional meeting. Talking in detail about the suicidal thoughts, and what to think of when they hit and trying to understand where they are coming from.  I never really got out of the hole that day. My day ended with me crying in bed on the phone with the suicide prevention hotline. It got bad that I just needed to walk away and I broke down. If I had the means at the time, I am scared to think that I might have attempted. I don't recall actually making the decision to call but I just remember seeing myself pick up the phone and dialing. I had no idea what I was going to say or what I my intentions were. I just knew that I needed someone to talk to. Someone who won't judge, someone who has professional experience. I know a lot of people have told me "you can reach out whenever!" But I feel a lot of that is just empty words and wouldn't know what to say if I told them I was on the brink. I thought about calling A.M. from Daybridge. She works with me and going through her own shit but she is a really good person and would understand. I was going to reach out to her if I wasn't happy with what the NSPH offered. After a few minutes of talking I felt myself relax and step away from danger. After I hung up the phone, I meditated, turned on some music and just did some breathing and texted my wife that I was OK. She came up later and we talked about it. So needless to say, it wasn't my best birthday ever.

In trying to figure out what was the catalyst for this, I did some soul searching. The day started off a little rough at my therapists and that was right away in the morning. Tough to really rebound from an emotional beginning like that. I continued to get more agitated and irritable as the day went on. I was feeling depressed and just wanted to be alone. Having the feelings of depression and getting constant messages from friends and family saying things like "have a wonderful amazing day." Just felt empty and almost made it worse. Typical depression - when you are in the darkness and someone tells you to snap out of it or cheer up, it typically will make you even more depressed so I think that is what happened. I just lost it later that night. I had had enough and needed to get out. Fortunately, I was able to address it and adjust it and ask for help which is key. I can only hope that this will continue in the future and I will seek out help in those dark times rather than letting it take over me.

Song of the day - Pain - War on Drugs

"I resist what I cannot change. Own it in your own way."

Growin old but none the wiser

Shit. Tomorrow I turn 37. That is 37 spins on this planet. That is 13,514 days - 324,336 hours. Doesn't seem like that long. To be honest, I am surprised I am going to be celebrating it. Earlier this year, I had no intentions of making it to 37. It has been quite a year.. but I am here and I will be here for 37 and I hope for at least another 37+.  I try and tell myself that everyday but it is hard. VERY hard. Every day it seems I am having suicidal thoughts and ideations. The thought of leaving my kids doesn't scare me off, which in turn, scares the shit out of me. I am learning to live with these thoughts and ideations as they don't just go away. A lot of times I wonder what it is like to live without suicidal ruminations in your head.

I feel that I am on a downward drop in my recovery. I know that there will be peaks and valleys and recovery is not a straight line so I am trying to stay positive and just weather the storm and hopefully make it to the other side. One of the ways I am doing so is looking at the positives and negatives:

The Negatives: 

• Suicidal thoughts occurring more often (4-10 times a day) 
• Inability to sleep well - I am sleeping about 5-7 hours a night. Waking up at around 2-4 am and not able to go back to sleep. 
• Really poor eating. I am hungry all the time and mostly for all the wrong foods. I am trying to embrace it and just know that it will pass but this can't be good for me. 
• Getting more distant with my wife - our relationship has been rocky but I feel it is slipping even further into trouble
• Anhedonia - This took me by surprise but I am losing interest in a lot of the things I used to love - playing music, playing drums, sex. I feel myself wanting to be isolated again and only wanting to sleep

The Positives

• The suicidal thoughts are just that - thoughts. I haven't ventured into planning or even thinking of HOW or WHEN - so far it is just ideation and thoughts. 
• I am able to feel this come on and acknowledge it. I can confront it in my mind and just know that my brain is in a crisis right now and I can't trust everything it is telling me
• I have a very good support system. Friends, family, therapist, psychiatrist, support group. I have never had this much support before that I know I can rely on to get me though this. 
• I feel I have been more attentive to my kids and appreciating them more. Maybe it is for dark reasons that I am not conscious of but I like the way I feel around them and the way they make me feel. 

Song of the day - Miracle - Rise Against

"Are you going to finally grip the wheel I think you know how. This is more than you expected it to be."

Hay más tiempo que vida

I had my first group tonight in over a month. There were some things with the group facilitator that he had to cancel in the past. It was so refreshing to be there. Being there made me realize that I have put my recovery on the back burner and haven't been focusing on it as much as I should and if I don't I could end up right where I was. I need to make a firmer commitment to myself. I am thinking about going into a DBT program part time to help me. I hear DBT is great if you can implement it into your daily life. I am trying to do more meditation but I am maybe only doing it 1-2x a week. I really need to do it daily. I need to schedule out my recovery activities. I want to start going to the gym a few times a week, meditate every night before bed, walk the dogs daily, practice greatfulness every morning and do yoga a few times. That is a lot but I can not risk another relapse.

I feel that this image truly represents depression and the depressed mind. We feel that we are on the edge of the building, we could fall at any time. Our daily mission is to keep from falling and find solid ground where we wont feel as vulnerable. Then depression (or the guy in the blue shirt in this pic) comes along and can kick you right off where you were. You try to grasp on but there is nothing to hold on to. I know life doesn't have to be this way but when it is all you know, you don't know how to navigate around it or move past it.

Hay mas tiempo que vida - a friend of mine posted this on FB the other day and it really stopped me in my tracks and made me think. The translation for this is "There is more time than life" maybe that is the Spanish version of YOLO but I really like it and it puts things into perspective. Time keeps rolling on, with or without us. Time will continue even after we check out. Time doesn't really care about life. Time is a cruel, ever-pressing, steamroller. Time controls our lives. Time doesn't run out, life does. So how do we make the most of our lives? Making as much money as we can at the expense of our happiness? Staying in relationships that don't make sense just due to obligation? Drinking and getting high to experience a higher life and better state of mind? Taking chances? NOT taking chances and live safe? I think we each define that for ourselves. I am just trying to determine what that means for me. There are a few things I want to accomplish, achieve/experience in my life before I check out. I want to record music. I will be honest, I am not that great at piano but I really like tinkering with melodies and chord progressions. I have about 25 partially completed songs that I want to record and just have for my kids someday to listen to and perhaps be inspired. I want to travel more: I want to see Australia. I want to pet a Koala bear. I want to be a part owner in a music store. I want to tell my story of depression and suicide in hopes that I can inspire others. I want to have one night of pure unadulterated, lustful fucking. I want to be in shape someday and have someone turn their head when I walk past. I want to teach my kids how to be a good person - how to help others.  These are the things that I want to accomplish in life. I don't know how much time I have left to accomplish them but I know that I only have this one life to complete them.

Song of the day - The Last Song I Will Write - Jason Isbell

"Come run away with me. This ain't the world we signed up for."

Intrusive Thoughts

I had a really good conversation with my therapist last week. We talked at length about my repetitive and common suicidal thoughts. I have been associating these with my depression but she mentioned intrusive thoughts. These are essentially an unwelcome and involuntary thought, image or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession and can be difficult to manage or eliminate. I have to say - I think she is spot on. These suicidal intrusive thoughts make me depressed but maybe aren't a symptom OF my depression. It is hard to wrap my head around but it kind of makes sense. I have noticed that if I address the intrusive thought and basically show it the door and don't action it by either distracting myself or pushing forward, I can remain feeling relatively OK. If I don't let it affect me, my mood isn't affected. (Seems simple I know)

I had a stretch of good days. Minimal depression, decent sleep, little agitation and irritability. I am still feeling the sexual side effects and my motivation has been shit. Tired a lot and just want to do really nothing, I don't want to kill myself so that is a positive and I will take that. To work on the motivation etc, I went back on Wellbutrin. It is a stimulant so it has helped me get my ass in gear and keep up with my responsibilities which has been a good effect. I still fear relapse. Read yet another story of a person who was getting treatment, had a good support system but still lost the battle to depression. I would like to think I am strong enough to keep moving forward and hope that I am. All i can do is keep my plan in place and focus on today.

There has been a lot of things happening outside of the depression scope, my wife has been having some health problems. Semi-serious ones so we are addressing those. Hopefully things turn out to be nothing but the anticipation and anxiety of it is almost as bad as the diagnosis itself. My mental health is no longer in the forefront and I am OK with that. I just cant lose sight of my recovery. I really don't like this getting older shit. I got a wart on the heel of my foot from taking my daughter to swimming lessons I guess, so it has hampered my ability to move a lot. I can't walk to well and it is extremely painful. So I have been quite the lazy ass. Haven't taken dogs for a walk, haven't mowed the lawn. Shit - even getting the mail is a painful chore. I have been pretty immobile and my waistline is reflecting that. I went to a foot dr and he froze the bitch off. It is going to take a few days to fully get better but it is progress. I am supposed to go get a physical in a few weeks but I am not sure I want to do it. I am in horrible shape and in the middle of recovery where I ate nothing but oreos and gained weight, I haven't been able to exercise etc. So my numbers are going to be off the charts and they will probably want to put me on more meds but I feel I am not at a normal place right now to be given medication. I need things to level out first..... hopefully they will.

Song of the day - Highway Kings - Bouncing Souls

"What are dreams for anyway without the guts to live your life that way?"